Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

He has told you you are no longer family so you cannot have a family bbq.
Exactly @BringaBintarongAlong.

I’d tell him he can do what he likes but I won’t be there and I won’t be cleani g up after him.

He can explain to everyone why you’re not there.

Yep @Sodthesystem.

Honestly, he's deluded. He doesn't get to say that he wants to split up and then expect the OP to host a family BBQ. What an idiot.

Tbh it sounds like deliberate cruelty. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actually getting a kick out of all this. I mean at the very least, he doesn’t give a shit about anyone else’s feelings but his own.

I feel as though he thinks he can just continue on as normal until he finds somewhere else to live. I’ve stopped cooking, doing his washing etc so I’m not sure why he thinks I’d want a family bbq with his side of the family. They no doubt all think I’m this awful wife after he’ll have told them why he’s leaving me.

No, this I totally agree with. He doesn’t really seem to have thought how this will affect the kids. He seems to think the 50/50 will be a smooth transition and the kids will see it as “fun” that they will have 2 homes. The man is deluded.

I’d just tell them he’s talking shit and he’s so obviously having an affair. Don’t protect him. Of course they might not believe you but it’ll all come out in time.

He’s clearly wanting to stay in the family home until the OW leaves her partner or finds somewhere for them both to live. Maybe he’s trying to change job and looking at houses further away. Don’t trust a thing he says OP.

I didn't realise ''family bbq" meant he was inviting his extended family!
How bizarre, why on earth would you want to do that?!

I would tell him thats fine for him to have his family over for a bbq with him and the kids, but you have other plans so won't be attending. So he will be doing all the shopping, prep work, cooking and clean up.

Make all that perfectly clear.

Then go out for the day.

I found going to the cinema was a good plan - phone has to be turned off, film is distracting, it's dark so people can't see you crying (although who cares if they do).
Take yourself out for lunch and a movie, with a friend if anyone's free. If not, make the most of just pleasing yourself.

He has to realise that separating means no more extended family events together, at least not for now.
If he was already living in a separate house there's no way he'd even invite you...

50:50 means separate time with the kids. He's having them Saturday, so you'll do something with them on Sunday, and he can bugger off.

I agree, he is stalling for some reason.

And BBQ with his relatives where he expects you to play happy families? WTF.

I don’t want to do it at all, its a stupid idea!

I’ve told him he will have to sort out all the food, pay for it, prep it and clean up as I won’t be taking part in it.

The cinema sounds like a nice idea, or even the thought of a coffee in peace with a book.

I don’t understand why on earth he’d want to stall or delay things considering he wants to split up. And especially if he has someone else waiting for him, surely he’d be wanting to speed things along so he could be with her.

I wonder if he’s telling her you two are on the rocks but she’s not entirely sure she can believe him so she’s stalling. You don’t think he’d invite her to the bbq knowing fine you won’t be there do you? Maybe that’s too unlikely. But then, he does seem really brazen already, all things considered.

I think skipping the bbq is the best bet. It sends a message that you aren’t interested in playing whatever game he has going on. And if another women is there behaving a little too…close, chances are his family will put two and two together.

He’s probably counting on you being there to be a buffer for all the family questions about the split too. Fuck that.

I vote Cinema and coffee and cake!

Maybe his new living arrangements haven't been finalised yet? Mine kept hanging around the marital home because the OW lived in a shared house, and I guess her housemates weren't that enthusiastic about having a new housemate move in and change the dynamic.

It does make sense when you put it like that about living arrangements etc especially if there is another woman.

Yeah I think he was betting on me being there so he can deflect questions towards me instead of himself.

@mummy917 Deluded is a polite way of putting it, he sounds downright thick tbh. Why on earth would you be involved in a BBQ with his side of the family after everything he's said.

I'd go to the cinema as another poster suggested or meet up with a friend if possible. Just get out of there - and if anyone on his side asks why you're not coming, tell them that due to his decision, you're not longer part of his family. Put it all on him, because he IS responsible for this situation.

Absolutely. His mum would take his side no matter what anyway. Even if there is someone else, it would never be his fault. Kind of explains a lot around why he is the way he is now as an adult.

Please don't go along with this, he's in that selfish "phew now that's over!" as in the conversation.. which hasn't even started really in terms of logistics & your input & processing

Please don't put yourself through this, let him have the kids for a BBQ, at home (yours) or elsewhere & you just go somewhere else otherwise you'll be miserable & either putting on a poker face for appearances or, depending what he's said to his family/friends, that you're "both adults & everything is awesome!" so diminishing your hurt & the magnitude of his announcement

please don't go to this sham

Oh I've had this line too op. It's all part if minimising what they are doing in their own head.

It’s bizarre. It’s like he’s living in some fantasy land thinking the kids will somehow be glad their parents aren’t together anymore.

Honestly they all say the same rubbish. It's like they go on a training course 🙄
Wait for - lots of children go through this and thrive, you'll enjoy getting a break, we will still be their parents even if we don't live together, I'll still be here to support you, you'll meet someone better than me blah blah

They all do this op, as PPs have said it's to minimise the impact of their actions in their own heads. My ex, left to be be with his OW but told the kids that it would be ok as they would have two Christmases, two bedrooms and he would have 'the fun house'.

Yes the two of everything is something he will definitely try to sell to them, and I definitely think he’ll do his best to get them to see his house as “fun” and mine will be where rules etc are the same.

On a separate note, when I split with my dc’s dad I bought a book with this as a theme, not the fun house but the two homes thing. It was quite gentle and made the change seem ok. This one.

Thank you, I’ll have a look at this and buy them it. I’ll try anything to make the transition as smooth as possible for them.

RUN FOR THE HILLS
you probably won't even notice the difference that he's not there