Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

There’s another woman.

I know people will say the OW ( assuming there is one) owes the OP nothing but I will never understand why some women are happy to have affairs with married men especially those with young DC . Why ?

You can still call his bluff. Make him think you’d be prepared to move out, without the kids.

Otherwise…All you can do is start living as separately as possible.

Take a night out here and there and leave him with the kids. If he gets days and nights away so do you.

And absolutely what pp said about saying “Yes I agree, it’s not working. So what’s the plan? Becuase you can’t stay here acting miserable until your side piece agrees to move you in”. His face will tell you all you need to know. Tenner says he looks towards his phone thinking you know something. Don’t let him get you stuck in some weird cycle of blaming yourself. It doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Even if you’d actually been controlling at times how does that excuse his sulking and contempt now in his children’s home? Tiresome twat that he is.

And he fathered 4 kids with you? Disgraceful human being.

It's quite laughable how similar they all are really. You'll be fine eventually op, just make sure you get shit hot legal advice and practice your " I don't fuck with you " face because he will no doubt try to manipulate and lie to get a reaction from you.

I suspect the 50/50 thing is just because he doesn't want to pay CMS. Will a man who can't get up in the morning or forgo the gym or football REALLY care for the kids 50/50?

More likely he thinks the OW will pick up the slack. He's in for such a shock all round...

Wow, Four DC, three of them under 5, and he expects you to parent alone at weekends while he either lazes in bed or fucks off to football. I've no doubt he's saying 50/50 because he doesn't want to pay CMS, but in reality it'd curb his life too much, so I doubt he'll follow through. What a prince among men he is to accuse you of being controlling for wanting him to do his share of parenting his own children. You're better off without this loser OP. I hope he finds somewhere quickly that he can move to.

You've been working nights with young children and he has Saturdays off with you left to juggle everything? I wonder how he'd feel if you were coming in at 5am after a night out.

Rather than building up a case against you, it would have been better for him to have appreciated what you were bringing to his life. It's very difficult to repress your emotions if you feel you're being stone walled and taken for granted.

Things will get much better. You will have at least some weekends and evenings to yourself, doing something for you. You'll realise how unhappy you've been and his unfair it is for him to turn on you when you're ill and should have been able to turn to him for support, even if that just meant taking Saturdays to be with you and the kids, or God forbid, taking the kids out and give you a break.

There are better men out there and you do not have to feel punished by whatever self absorbed justification he is using. Just don't engage. He has not exactly covered himself in glory here so I don't know where his sense of superiority comes from.

I think he’s given OP The Script. If so, he’s probably got another woman lined up as a nanny with a fanny.

He to a solicitor quickly. Start taking ur money out the bank asap so he can’t get it. Then change ur locks.

Presumably, for all the same reasons as the man who is actually married and whose children they actually are. But the cheating men shitting on their own families don't seem to puzzle anyone. People say he's a dick for it but they don't wonder why he did it.

Tbh it sounds like you were both miserable anyway so it was maybe time for one of you to quit

I'm so sorry OP - you have done nothing wrong and he is a selfish bastard. Try not to obsess about what you've said and done, this is what he wants, to make you feel like it's your fault. It's quite likely there's another woman on the horizon, don't be surprised if he suddenly 'meets someone' and moves on quickly.

You are now separated so you can stop cooking for him, doing his laundry and anything else. Just look after you and the kids. See a solicitor and find out about Universal Credit. You are going to be ok and so will your kids, you will come out the other side and you will be happy again I promise. They all say they want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child support but in reality, most men don't follow through, especially once there's a new girlfriend.

He’s only saying he wants 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance. Don’t agree to it OP do what’s right for the kids not him.

Had to post because June 4th 2 years ago my stbexH announced he just didn't feel like he loved me anymore. Then came the list of why it was all my fault and that our 26 year old marriage (+ 4 kids) was over but he still wanted to be friends. The next 10 days were horrific and led up to me discovering he had a second phone. Then on the morning of my birthday (the 14th) he finally admitted he'd found someone else.

Over the last 23 months I've discovered that he'd been seeing prostitutes/other women loosely and that this woman that he has the new emotional connection to is Thai. He worked in Iraq, hence his ability to hide everything.

I did the pick me dance but he refused to go to counselling and that was where I drew the line! I know he misses the friendship we used to have because one of the first things he said, when I started divorcing him, was his utter disbelief and who was he going to talk to daily as he still considered me his best friend.

I can only say find a solicitor (if you're nearish to London PM me for a recommendation given by a KC), find a therapist for yourself, understand that for him this is not new but he wont get that and will refuse to allow you to grieve.

Finally if he wont leave the family home then leave yourself. It's rubbish about remaining in the property etc, divorce has changed massively. What I would recommend is that you leave him with the kids until he agrees to move out. You will need the time away from them anyway to get your face straight for them. Even if only over a weekend. I did it and our kids are much much older. I went down to my eldest works (she's currently 26) and stayed in a hotel.

That said I didn't have to fight my ex for looking after the kids. You may wish to seek guidance for that.

so repeat again. Therapist and solicitor. Either order, but get both.

My heart goes out to you. I wouldn't go back to that time for anything. In fact I now wish he'd just died. Although not fair on our kids, it would have been much easier to deal with as I would have simply carried on 'talking' to him daily and believing that he always loved me.

Advocating for yourself and your needs = controlling, for some men, no matter how reasonable you are. You're basically the party-pooper that's asking him to behave as if he's in a marriage.

I agree with others here; his trying to justify parting because his already seeing someone else!
Believe me when I say you will find happiness without him, even though you might not think that now! He sounds very selfish and he isn't likely to change! Kick him out before he makes the decision himself, it will help you to feel stronger and backfoot him!

He is quoting The Script. There's another woman.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I hope he gets a place soon, so that youbcan more on.

For what it's worth, he sounds like so many men you read about here - wantks children, but isn't prepared for the 24/7/365 demands, thinks their mum should be able to deal with them without him having to put himself out at all, and still expects to pursue his interests and hobbies.

I would not lose my work and go pay crazy money for weirdo therapists when exactly I am going to need all my money, for someone who prefers drinking and football over me. No way

Oh completely this. Mine was happy with EOW until he got a very big new role and the CMS went up by 50%.

It's definitely the script Op. He has another woman.
They have to make excuses to themselves, the OW and subsequently to you that excuses what they are doing.
It's never the ones you think will do. The problem is they usually perform inside and out of the marriage the role of good husband and father and never speak up about their own needs and wants. Then OW strolls along and makes them feel like gods gift, they buy into it and then decide you were the problem all along.
The problem for you is that you lived with the performer and it absolutely feels that the rug has been pulled (because it has!).
So you are left living with someone who looks like your husband but doesn't act or talk like him. Its massively discombobulating as you are trying to resolve things with your husband but faced with what feels like an imposter. I know I was trying to reach the husband I knew but he just wasn't there anymore.
So you end flipping between being furious and just wanting him to give you a cuddle and make it all better.
You absolutely cannot reason or talk wirh the imposter. It drains all of your emotional energy and achieves nothing.
It is impossibbly difficult to cope with.
The best things you can do are accept that you know there is another woman (don't let him gaslight you into thinking there isn't or that you are the problem). Repeatedly tell yourself this is his issue and nothing to do with your worth.
It's especially hard when he won't move out. It will mess endlessly with your nervous system.
Spend lots of time on true self care. Hug your kids, wrap yourself tightly in a blanket, try to eat, take a walk when you can. Spend as much time with people who truly care about you as you can. Talk to people in real life as much as you can about what is going on - it really does help to get a proper perspective and make you feel stronger.
Sending lots of love op. I know first hand how brutal this is.

IME they all start out saying they want 50/50 until they find out what 50/50 actually means. It doesnt mean you still doing everything and him not paying CM, it actually half of EVERYTHING including all his own stuff too. They soon change their tune when they find out that it means half of the school runs, half of the holidays, and funding childcare for when they are at work.

In his head he can skip off and live a fun free life half of the time and then be Disney dad for the other half. Its quite funny really!

This!

exactly the same happened to a friend of mine, Suddenly one day it was all about how controlling she was, because see 10 years ago she didn't want him to go drinking all hours while they had a newborn and other examples like that. How she had made the poor guy's llife miserable and he just couldn't take it any more. Poor lamb. All her fault.

Not only was there a woman, there were 2 different ones the husband was having an affair with.

@mummy917 Yep, he's seeing someone else. I've been through it OP and will always remember with a chill down my spine when he started to use "the script". Most men use the same tactics, which invariably involves blaming their wife for basically breathing and calling her a controlling bitch. Except I didn't know "the script" existed at the time. Your DH has obviously done his homework around maintenance too if he's asking for 50/50.