Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

“You’re controlling” is usually just code for “I don’t want family life or being in a partnership to impose any kind of constraint on me doing whatever the fuck I like”.

As long as you are sharing the same house, make sure that everything, and I mean everything, is split equally when it comes to costs. Most couples tend to have some bills in one partner's name and some in the other's, if this is the case then for every bill you pay he gives you half and vice versa. Try to get him to sign something in writing to this effect, so if he tries to stiff you on household costs (fair chance he will - he has to find money to spoil his new shag) then you can do something about it.

When it comes to food shopping, see if you can get separate fridges & put a lock on yours or he will just take anything he fancies; same goes for cupboards if possible. Not a waste of money really, because you will save more than the cost of padlocks & hasps to stop him just taking stuff, and whenever either of you does move out then they would need a fridge anyway.

A great word to use, to yourself as a minimum but more effectively to him, is when he comes out with his bullshit say "whatever" in a bored tone & give a shrug. Will make you feel better, if nothing else but for the fact it will drive him MAD but nothing he can really complain about.

@Sodthesystem: "Do you want to stay and be the primary carerer to the kids or shall I? Because I saw a nice little one bed the other day". Make him think he will have to stay and do the childcare

Oh please say this to him @mummy917 if only to see his jaw drop at the idea he doesn't get to just walk away.

First post nails it 100%

There will be an OW.

As far as I'm aware, you can start claiming whatever benefits you may need as you are now living separate lives, even though you are under the same roof. I'm not sure if these can be backdated, but either use the date 7 weeks ago that he told you, or the date 5 weeks ago when you started sleeping apart.

As for 50/50, ensure that he is already doing that now, don't go giving him a free ride now on that, otherwise you'll never get him out of the house.

Don't take ANY shit from him. You are now separated, so no more wife duties for him, he does ALL of his own laundry & cooking and he now does 50% of the children's laundry, and cooking & school drop offs etc.

As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.

So it’s fine for him to swan around doing exactly what he wants, irrespective of family commitments, but if you challenge this you’re out of order?

As dark as you feel right now... parting ways could be really good for you on the future.
He has fell out of love ... ok... don't try to change his mind don't beg don't plead let him go.
In time concentrate being a happier you for you .. having kids is lots of pressure on any couple .
If
When he has the kids take time for yourself build a happier you you deserve it x

Sadly this is what men do when they have had their head turned by another woman. They re-write history so that he never loved you, how you trapped him and ruined his life all so he doesn't have to face up to what a sack of shit he is. Its not just for you but for the people around him, his family and friends. So not only is he likely cheating on you or about to but he's also completely throwing you under a bus and painting you as the bad guy.

I'm really sorry OP, you absolutely don't deserve this.

I don't think there is another woman. It sounds like he's fed up of being in a miserable relationship. I'm sure he will very quickly move on, but it sounds like he's just had enough.

My mother worked the night shift for six years for childcare reasons and my father had an affair during that time for at least three of those years

He’s a joke of a man and he’s going to realise pretty soon that only a desperate woman is going to put up with a man child like him. Controlling because you wanted to spend time with him!? Lies in while his wife sorts 4 children? What a joke.

At least you have the chance to be free of his selfish ways and in the future, a chance to meet someone who’s willing to be a partner and not a burden. I can only imagine how resentful and tired you must feel caring for 4 kids whilst he lays in bed.

What a twat. And yes - men rarely leave without having another woman lined up. I’d guess someone from work.

Haha I’m very much like marmite.

Every single thing he is saying is lies, he has met someone else, likely at work and is trying to villainise you. Sorry it hurts so much x x

Does he have family who will pick up the slack for him OP?

I've seen quite a few men who say they want 50/50 but what they actually mean is they don't want to pay CMS and instead ship the kids off the to grandmother/aunt etc to do their childcare for them.

How do so many men follow The Script?!

found another woman that’s why he’s done and he’s cheating so to make himself feel better he’s painting you as this awful person.

You are better off without him!

When the allure of the new woman wears off he will likely come crawling back. Hope you will be in a better place and ready to move on when that happens

The thing is she could theoretically just walk away. Men do it all the time. They have their kids on weekends and people never say that makes them a bad father.

Men count on us remaining slaves out of love for our kids. The kids will be fine either way, with their dad half the time. You could move nearby if necessary so you can see them every day.

Until we stop prioritising others over ourselves, men will always exploit us.
I’d tell him he could have full custody and everything that comes with it. He won’t want it of course. But he’ll shite himself.

Often child benefit is peanuts in comparison to what it actually costs to raise children. And it’s the primary parent who picks up the costs for that.

What kills me about men who follow The Script is that they all think that they are being oh so clever and oh so original. It doesnt cross their minds that the mate from the pub did this before he left his wife for OW. And that bloke they work with, and their brother....... no, THEY are special.

Deep down they know its lies but the man who lies to his wife, breaks up his family, screws up his kids and fucks another woman isnt what they believe themselves to be, so they create justifications.

They genuinely believe that we will buy it because if they can believe it then surely we will.

Agree there’s likely someone else.
What a shit he is , so sorry and sending you a huge hug @mummy917 .
can you go and see a solicitor? Get someone on your side who can give you solid advice. Best of luck xx

Well soon you won't have this dead weight to carry around anymore. You'll have CMS and be entitled to government support, and eventually you'll meet someone who actually likes you, appreciates you, and wants to spend time with you.
You will be okay, and this depression will lift. One day you'll wonder what on earth you ever saw in him. Whereas he'll be with the woman he cheated with, who may not tolerate the things you tolerated, and he may very well find himself left with nothing but his own horrible company.

I just started watching a series on Netflix called Life Begins about a man who leaves his wife and used the script and all the other cliches we are all too well familiar with . Yet men think they are so original and convincing when they pull this shite.

As everyone else has welcomed you to the Script already, my only advice is unfortunately to brace yourself. If he’s too much of a cowardly fuck to even tell you about the OW, then prepare for the news to be broken to you in the worst possible way, like finding out your children have met her. My exDH was suddenly nothing but negative about our entire marriage; tada, was the Script. Have you been written sick off work because he has some points about you having mental health difficulties OR did you not need to be written off until you were blindsided with your marriage ending? Do not let him reframe the truth; it’s gaslighting and it’s disgusting.

God yes, this is so true, my ex said he only married me because he felt sorry for me! How noble and self sacrificing of him. I'd forgotten all about that until I read your post and am laughing at the memory of it now. What a prat he was😅

You are not the bad guy @mummy917 he's an absolute prick doing this to you & your kids & making you change & adapt your personality for the last seven weeks "trying" to be what you think he wants, I've done it & it's soul destroying, you are already way ahead of how I was back then with taking time off work, making a GP appointment, confiding in friends, looking into benefits & thinking legality wise so even though you might not feel it now, you really are being so strong!

He's a shithead, he'll probably try to prick around, in fact he's started already with the "I'm not moving out until..blah" & you're right do not move out of your family home just because he decided to blow up your family life

I'm so sorry that you're yet another woman, like many of us here, who have had to work through this absolute devastation & try to put the brave face on for the kids, wishing you all the strength for the coming days,weeks & months but I think you already have it 💐✊

First just forget everything he has accused you of, it's pure BS. Secondly you are going to be absolutely fine, you have four lovely kids, never a dull moment but four individuals who love you more than anyone else ever will. Partner is a knob, kids will realise when they're older.
Been there done it and if I can you can.💕

You can still claim benefits while living under the same roof. That's what I did while waiting for my ex to leave. It took months for him to finally go, but in the meantime, I was able to receive some financial aid while I was sorting out more work and what to do moving forward. He ended up not having the kids at all for about a year, they were 2 and 5. Difficult times, but you will be so much better off emotionally without him. Practically, it was difficult raising children alone, but mentally/emotionally I was better off away from the parasitic arsehole.