Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

I do feel as though I’m starting to come to terms with it a bit more and have noticed over the last few days that I’ve caught myself planning some next steps for when he does eventually move out.

I just want to say again how supportive and reassuring I’ve found the replies on this thread, it’s massively helping me see things more clearly amongst the fog xx

"I do feel as though I’m starting to come to terms with it a bit more and have noticed over the last few days that I’ve caught myself planning some next steps for when he does eventually move out."

That's really good to hear. Usually, it seems that by the time they let us in on their bombshell plans, they've already come to terms with their decision and have already mentally moved on.

Yeah he definitely seems as though he has accepted it which is why I feel as though he actually made his decision 2 months ago and just strung me along for 6 weeks of that.

you'll meet someone better than me

At least that part is true but it's a long way off for you @mummy917 the way you feel now x

It really is as if they have a manual or a TedTalk because it's uncanny the similarities between speeches, it defies logic & geography

100%

He would have the fun house??? Omg, how did you not deck him!

I remember when I was small one of my classmates parents had separated, later divorced when it became legal here & we all though how "cool & great" it must be that she got TWO sets of Christmas/Birthday presents & had TWO whole houses to spend time in, little realising the anguish behind the scenes that most likely my friend (still a friend!) was being exposed to & that was WAY before children were ostensibly put to the fore of parents splitting

I'm navigating it myself @mummy917 & it was hell at first but the idea you ex thinks the way I did when I was 10 is astounding

sorry that should say "..put to the fore WHEN parents are splitting"

It was honestly the most ridiculous thing so I think I just laughed and asked him when he had decided to become Pat Sharp as this part of his midlife crisis had passed me by.

Needless to say, he didn't have the fun house. He's always hated spending money and wouldnt stretch to hot water (except 30 mins in the morning) so the kids either had to gym and swim when with him or just come home.

Wow, what a charmer, resenting his own kids bathing! How on earth did you put up with him so long?!

I am guessing it didnt work out with his shiny new lady?

I know, he wasn't as bad when we were together but was definitely always careful with cash. Got much worse after we split.

He is still with his OW! Although, in an LDR, she lives in another country and he splits his time between the UK and with her.

That explains much! I bet he puts the hot water on for longer than half an hour if she is there (or is spending her gas pounds).

😂😂 do you know him?! If we have a visit from the OW the kids advise the hot water is on, there is nice toiletries in the bathroom and nice food.

They are such cunts aren't they? Happy to pay whatever it takes to get his leg over, but god forbid his kids can have a shower and a decent dinner.

💯 he’s cheating and it’s all your fault

I really hope that that was a poorly aimed attempt at a joke.

It’s such a sad situation for any child or children to go through and I don’t get how he doesn’t see that first and foremost.

I’m sorry you’re going through it too, how are you dealing with telling the kids?

That’s awful! How on earth can he justify not letting his kids have a bath at his house? I have no words.

I’ve only just unpacked how shit my parents were before and after their divorce when I was 11.
….. I’m 58!

Please don't be around for the BBQ. Take yourself out with friends, cinema whatever. He's a deluded turd to even suggest it.

I have plans to meet my best friend for a coffee and a home bargains/b&m trip 😃

He’s been out and bought all bbq stuff today then to a house viewing and I’ve told him I won’t be there tomorrow. Now he thinks I’m being the petty one 🤣🙄

Good for you op!
You sound like you've got a bit of your spark back 😊

Definitely not being the petty one! Please do go and leave him too it! All the prep, hosting and looking after DD.

Hope you have a lovely time with your friend.

I don't want to derail the thread but his justification was that they could have a shower, at the gym! They had to do some exercise or swim first which was healthy for them so even better.

God, he's an absolute moron.

He tells you he wants a divorce, and is actively looking for somewhere to move to.

Your world has been turned upside down.

And he thinks you're petty because you don't want to play happy families over a bbq with his extended family?!

You told him when he first suggested it that you would not be there.
He really does just want everything his own way, doesn't he.

He has the emotional intelligence of a house brick.

Enjoy your time with your friend, and your retail therapy!