The Script: what would you add!

[JFDIYOLO]

A trending thread follows a very familiar pattern here, of a seemingly happy marriage to a good man suddenly imploding with a shock announcement / discovery.

The middle aged man's script, as her doctor put it.

A poster suggested printing a tick list to bring to discussions with the errant / cheating / lying husband, to take control of the situation and demonstrate clearly that you know what he's up to, that he's following a time worn script.

So here's my take - what would you add?

🟩I'm not happy, haven't been for a long time

🟩You've let yourself go

🟩You're not the girl I married

🟩You went off sex after having my baby / children

🟩Your body changed after having my baby / children

🟩You've let the house go, it's a tip

🟩We have nothing in common

🟩There's nobody else

🟩All you ever think about is the kids, they take all your time and attention

🟩You expect me to share housework and childcare when I want to cycle / play golf / go to football (add/delete as appropriate)

🟩No, I said there's nobody else

🟩You're making it up / imagining things / crazy

🟩You know what you're like

🟩We don't need a solicitor, we can do it ourselves

🟩Well, you stayed at home doing nothing (creating and nurturing x human beings and our home doesn't count) and I paid the mortgage so you're not entitled to the house, or anything really

🟩We only met recently. After you and I split up. Honest.

🟩You're not getting your hands on the house / my income / my savings / my pension.

🟩I'm having 50/50 with the kids, which I absolutely understand will entail me learning how to look after them and will step up and do it all, yes, definitely.

🟩She's crazy, look what I had to put up with.

🟩You know that 50/50 I was suddenly so insistent on, well I can't have the kids / do the school run / take them to their appointment after all because (insert and delete as appropriate).

🟩Is it too late for us, please can I come back? Her kids are doing my head in.

🟩 Why not? Why would you break up our family?

I would say a classic trait of people having an affair is to accuse their partner of cheating or flirting with other people themselves to deflect from their own behaviour or ease their guilt

You've changed
You're not affectionate enough.
None of my friends like you.
You stack the dishwasher wrong
You ask too many questions about my (our) finances

Yes I was meeting another woman in a hotel room but nothing phsysical happened between us..... honestly.

I was suffering from mental health issues. I really thought extra marital shagging would cure them.

I was suffering from mental health issues and had no idea what I was doing.

After 30 years of washing my pants, pushing out my kids and mopping my brow you've never really understood me.

My mental health issues (mostly your fault) caused me to use porn

It's not you, it's me

I love you but not in love with you

Getting angry at you for smallest thing

But I told you. You never remember anything

Password on phone

She's just a friend supporting me

It was your idea to buy this house, that car etc (grade A gas lighting generally)

I've been unhappy for a long time

• desperately finding reasons for being unhappy (obviously I was ALWAYS at fault)
• re.writing history (again, I was always the bad one)
• "I.will always love you, but..."
• we are no longer right for one and other
• I had no where to go (but OWs house)
• I could never talk to you
• you're highly strung (I.e. tired and exhausted from being a SAHM)

If it wasn't all so sad, it would be hilarious how similar the stories are...

The threat of suicide once you find out.

There are reasons why I had an affair (obviously I literally forced him to shaggy another woman)

“You weren’t paying me enough attention” said in the whiny voice of a 4 year old, compete with pet lip, whilst you gape at this thing in front of you that used to be your husband…..
Also “I was scared you were going to leave me”? Is that so? How then does shagging someone else prevent that??
My personal favourite….when they have listed all your faults and all the (largely made up) reasons they were ohhhh so unhappy, you suggest they could have, you know, used their fucking words like a grown up to discuss it, rather than sticking it in someone else. They are literally perplexed by this suggestion, they cannot comprehend it. Fucking idiots the lot of them!

The Tick List - updated with your great suggestions!

🟩I'm not happy, haven't been for a long time (desperately finding reasons that are always your fault

🟩Re-writing history including presenting you with a list / book of your faults

🟩What do you mean - if I was so unhappy I could have actually said something?

🟩Getting angry at you for the smallest thing

🟩I love you - but I'm not in love with you

🟩You've let yourself go

🟩You've changed - You're not the girl I married

🟩You weren’t paying me enough attention (said in the whiny voice of a 4 year old)

🟩You're not affectionate enough.

🟩You're highly strung (I.e. tired and exhausted from being a SAHM)

🟩You went off sex after having my baby / children

🟩Your body changed after having my baby / children

🟩You've let the house go, it's a tip

🟩You stack the dishwasher wrong

🟩Yes I was meeting another woman in a hotel room but nothing physical happened between us..... honestly.

🟩She's just a friend supporting me

🟩You've been cheating, haven't you. (Smokescreen)

🟩We have nothing in common

🟩None of my friends like you.

🟩There's nobody else

🟩All you ever think about is the kids, they take all your time and attention

🟩You expect me to share housework and childcare when I want to cycle / play golf / go to football (add/delete as appropriate)

🟩After 30 years of washing my pants, pushing out my kids and mopping my brow you've never really understood me.

🟩No, I said there's nobody else

🟩You're making it up / imagining things / crazy

🟩But I told you. You never remember anything

🟩You know what you're like

🟩We only met recently. After you and I split up. Honest.

🟩There are reasons why I had an affair (see the list of your faults I created to make myself feel less like the bad guy and you the one at fault)

🟩I was suffering from mental health issues and

• Really thought extra marital shagging would cure them.
• Had no idea what I was doing.
• That’s why I … (insert excuse here)

🟩You ask too many questions about my (our) finances

🟩Well, you stayed at home doing nothing (creating and nurturing x human beings and our home doesn't count) and I paid the mortgage so you're not entitled to the house, or anything really

🟩We don't need a solicitor, we can do it ourselves

🟩You're not getting your hands on my house / my income / my savings / my pension.

🟩I'm having 50/50 with the kids, which I absolutely understand will entail me learning how to look after them and will step up and do it all, yes, definitely.

🟩She's crazy, everyone I have ever met; look what I had to put up with.

🟩You know that 50/50 I was suddenly so insistent on, well I can't have the kids / do the school run / take them to their appointment after all because (insert and delete as appropriate).

🟩Is it too late for us, please can I come back? Her kids are doing my head in.

🟩 Why not? Why would you break up our family?

🟩The threat of suicide once you find out / tell him you're leaving / have left / won't take him back

I'd also suggest:

We're really good friends and she totally understands me (unlike you).

Our friendship is totally platonic, you're crazy...nothing would ever happen because she's [insert reason: eg. married/not my type/doesn't fancy me/other]

Based on what I've heard from male colleagues who have suddenly left their wives when their DC were small (and seem convinced that everyone agrees with them):

• Hanging out with much younger colleagues after work is part of the job, so actually wife should be grateful that I'm working so hard to pay for her to stay at home. Or alternatively, I need to spend all my evenings at my new hobby for the sake of my mental health, since I work so hard.
• Messaging much younger female colleagues/hobby friends in the evenings/weekends just being a caring colleague/hobby member, checking in on people who I know are stressed/going through personal stuff/lonely/having a hard time at work. Surely wife wouldn't want me to stop caring??
• Wife is complaining about me spending my money on an impractical car/expensive clothes/weekends away without her/hobby equipment. But she wants me to spend £££ on [insert dull but necessary home or child related expense] for her. What's she doing with all her wages/money that I give her? She's so money grabbing/controlling.
• I had to lie to my wife and tell her I was working away, because she's so controlling/suspicious she would have gone crazy if I told her I was going away with my new friends from work/my new hobby.
• Wife found out that I lied about where I was and now she doesn't trust me. What a crazy bitch. Doesn't she realise that she made me lie in the first place. We have always had friends of both sexes, so why is she making such a big deal about me having female friends now? She's gone crazy since we had the kids.
• The relationship with younger colleague/hobby friend didn't start until after wife left. She just understands me and has supported me since wife inexplicably and without warning took our child and left.
• I definitely want to have my child 50% of the time and will fight for that. OK obviously wife needs to do all the school runs/after school activities/sick days etc and look after our child during the week when I am at work- suggesting anything else is just insane, doesn't she realise I have to work. But I must have my child every other weekend, half the school holidays, every other birthday/Christmas. Actually, I need to work/want to go away/have tickets for an event when I should have my child. Crazy ex wife says she has plans and can't switch weekends. Where are her priorities! I told you she was crazy! I'd kill for more time with my child but she just wants to go off with her mates!
• I was definitely right about my crazy ex. Since she left she lives in a worse area/smaller house/drives an old car etc, 'just' has a low paid part time job and doesn't spend money on new clothes. She's got no ambition and has really let herself go. It just shows that she wanted me as a meal ticket. I'll show her- I won't be giving her a penny more than I have to.

"It's going really well with ... (OW)"

Mentioned by stbxh an.hour after I confronted him about the affair

"The last couple of months (of snagging another woman behind your back) have been the hardest of my life "

Poor bastard

Shagging

My affair isn't the problem, it's our communication difficulties/my mental health that we should focus on

I wish I was dead (again - puts all focus back on them because they're "suicidal").

You've left me in the lurch with x and y (whatever they think they can pin on you)

You stopped kissing me goodnight/being affectionate etc when it's really because of their awful behaviour during the affair that baffled you at the time.

She made me feel wanted

"It's not what it looks like."

It absolutely was what it looked like and I cannot tell you how relieved I felt. It was visceral.

unfortunately mine was the classic ''no, there isnt anyone else''

then.. 7 months later - she had his baby....

him - ''Honest, there wasnt anyone else we met after we split'' me ''Is baby ok as he was premature'' him ''What? No he is fine'' (didn't want adultery on the divorce papers) Whilst I was trying to get the divorce/house/finances sorted he then claimed he needed extra money as he had a baby...

I deserve happiness
I've worked all my life for the family
I deserve it
You don't want to have a social life anymore
You've never said thank you to me for working

I lost my way
I enjoyed the rush

Based on own experience and that of friends

"You're being controlling and suspicious and should trust me, and no I won't show you my phone/tell you where I am.

"I only slept with her after I knew you and I were over" (well that's OK then. NB, still married, hadn't actually told his wife it was over)

"We were never well suited anyway and have different values/ interests/hobbies". (You mean apart from all these values/interests/hobbies that brought us together in the first place and all those things we do together now?)

"You're no fun any more [and she is]" (to wife with small children & a full time job who funnily enough doesn't want to go out partying & taking drugs...)

"You'll be better off without me" (turns out he's right in the long run, but you know what, he could have not had an affair in order for wife to find that out)

Even my mother said that you should have lit a candle for me at dinner every evening!

I've not been happy for 10 whole years !!

I didn't want another baby (22 years on from our own), but her pill didn't work that day.

It’s like asshole bingo

"She never nags me" - yes, because she's never had the misfortune to live with you and your inability to lift a finger without instructions, you lazy shite.

"You trapped me into parenthood and then I had to stay with you" - oh, so how did we end up with children #2 and #3? Immaculate conceptions?

I was depressed.
I'm addicted