Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

You're not well matched, but he isn't well matched to anyone if he calls people retarded. Chuck him and hope he doesn't bounce.

Nah it's not. It's the difference between encouraging someone down a dark path and actually recognising what's really going on.

Maybe you're new to MN but it's a public forum and anything any of us have posted on here is fair game.

Nah... ain't buying it.
Sounds like sonething a bully says.

That's an interesting opinion. You may be overinvested in this.

👏

@redsky is right in commenting about this. If this were a woman complaining about a man drinking everyday then you can be sure there would be people agreeing " oh he's already gone to AA but he's still drinking - LTB "

Controlling asshat. His dad having been an alcoholic is no excuse to control someone else's sophisticated enjoyment of food and wine. I bet he's just a control freak and it's nothing to do with his dad. "Me Tarzan, me must control Jayne or me turn into weak little mouse!" I can't be doing with these men who put their issues with their masculinity onto their wives.

Get rid. Life's too short. Break up with him and then celebrate with a lovely cheese and wine pairing!

Doing an Advanced Search - a facility provided by MNHQ after all! - is hardly doing a 'deep dive'. It's all about context and, most often, to determine if the OP is a genuine poster.

In this case, the results provide important context to the OP's issue(s).

Hi all,

Just stepping in on the Advanced Search point as we've had a few reports asking for clarity.

As ever, there’s a bit of nuance here. Advanced Search is a tool we provide, as @BIWI notes, and there are times when previous posts can give useful context, especially on complicated threads where posters are trying to give considered advice.

But there’s a clear difference between adding relevant context and using someone’s posting history to mock, attack, or “catch out” an OP. Where we think it’s being used in that way, we’re likely to delete. We don't think that's necessarily what's happening here but please be mindful of that when you're posting.

OP, we’re sorry you’re in such a difficult situation. If you feel controlled, frightened or unsure about what’s happening, please do consider contacting Women’s Aid for confidential support.

Thanks to those who got in touch, Please keep the OP’s situation in mind when posting, and try to keep things constructive from here.

The 'can't you take a joke' whilst putting a partner down is such an indication of future emotional abuse it's a cliché.
Dump him and find someone to enjoy your interests with. There's plenty out there that enjoy good food and a carefully selected wine without the critism and judgement.

He sounds awful - bin him!

the fact that he uses language like ‘retarded’ makes him sound like a child, I wouldn’t put up with that, with me it would cause huge rows. 6 months is very early on - is he worth it?

I suspect OP is having more alcohol to cope with his abusive language, especially as he is always "on her back" about it. When she finally gets rid of him her drinking level will reduce dramatically.

Thank you everyone. I haven't read all the replies yet. I know what I need to do. He is being controlling and when I get offended he tells me I am so easy to wind up.

Even if I have a couple of glasses with dinner he thinks I am drunk. Last night he was gaslighting me. We were talking last night and he told me when I drink red wine I come on to him and fall asleep. This is not true, I like affection any time of the day and he withholds it and becomes unresponsive to me after even one glass. So I give up and go to sleep.

From what you've written previously, he moved in as a temporary thing before leaving the country for a job move. Is that still the case, and if so why does any of this matter? Why don't you just tell him to leave, there is clearly no long term relationship happening here.

I have told him. He doesn't contribute. I think he could be using me. He now knows I mean what I say. I was supposed to go to a appointment with him today and wait around for hours. I refused to go. He's now gone off sick and I am sick of looking after sick men. By the way, he actually isn't sick.
He has brought absolute chaos to my life, with his job etc, everything is always everyone else's fault. And he doesnt stop talking

He’s definitely using you, no doubt about it.

And what a grifter, not sick but ‘off sick’ .

Give him a short deadline to leave. A minute over, and lock him out the next time he leaves the house.

Nobody is going to disagree with you about that.

So when is he leaving?

You need to get rid of this guy asap.

So when is meant to be starting this new job /moving country

why can’t he go and live /stay with his adult kids

I'm so sorry to read all this OP. I'm wondering what you can do to get him out of you house. Have you asked for keys back? Can you change the locks, dump his stuff outside (safely) and stay with a friend for a couple of days so that you don't have any further challenges? Even dump his stuff with one of his friends if you know of any.
It must be awful for you being in this situation. Stay strong.

Time for him to leave.

Perfectly said

Have you told him it's over and that he needs to move out?

You realise he has no job and no home and he moved into yours without even asking you, right? He never intended to go to America. He's a cocklodger. Tell him to leave tonight or you will call the police. Get your father/friends around to make sure he leaves.