Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Thanks again everyone. I am going through a bit of a tough time myself right now. I really need to look after me for once.
Tonight when he came home he was being all nice. And he brought in a bottle of red wine. He said to me " drink this and I will still want to fuck your brains out"
Anyway , I had 2 glasses and he told me to come to bed and it just felt wrong.
Yesterday night he said that when he gets up at 4am he will put his dick in my mouth.
This is all true. Last night I slept downstairs and thats when I refused to go with him to his appointment.

Also I have seen people may look up past posts of mine. I do have another user name too for something else. Something that I am dealing with now from an ex.

Thanks again. I' m still reading.

I have thought about this. But I would feel bad cos he has helped me decorating and stuff. I have actually told him tonight that he needs t I go. I also said I don't wanna split up but I need my space
Especially after coming out of an abusive relationship before.

This is true. I felt I had to hide it. But Now I am being open as I feel this could make me drink more.

I dont drink anywhere near what I used to drink. Also there are certain things I can't drink that make me depressed, white wine and prosecco makes me really depressed. I used t I drink it alot.
However, now I fi d that red wine with food is a nice way to enjoy food and drink together. Its taken a long time, I am 55 this year lol.

Oh darling. He's done just enough so you feel beholden to him. But he is using you, over and over.
He's taking advantage of your vulnerability. Your boundaries are all over the place because of what your previous partner did to you, otherwise you'd have spotted the red flags a lot quicker.
Calling you a lush one minute, then buying you wine and basically using you for sex. He's treating you like a commodity.

Thank you.

Just to add as a general coment. I have lost 2 good friends to alcohol abuse in the last 3 years. I distanced my self from them as I saw them going down a slippery slope.

You know what to do LTB

I feel that too. He was so affectionate in the beginning but now hes got he's feet under the mat he has changed.
But from previous experience I won't put up with it ever again. I am much stronger now.

He's clearly an awful abusive and unpleasant man, who you need to dump.

That being said, even if your alcohol use is less than it was, you are clearly still both drinking far too much and reliant on it. The level of drinking you'd describe here, and you perception of it as fine/normal is worrying. I don't know if you stuck at AA, but I hope you are able to find help for your alcoholism, as you've seen first hand how destructive it can be.

But dump the idiot first.

Just to say, I am still reading through the posts.
I have noticed that people are picking up alcohol issues from the past.
My ex was an alcoholic, I felt that I sometimes needed to be on his level and trying to catch up with him. I aknowledge then I was drinking too much.But when we split, I found moderation with food and alcohol. The ex would want to drink loads before we ate food. I wanted to drink with food. But never did and thought I could be drinking too much with him.
This new person is absolutely TTotal.
I just want to be my own person instead of being controlled about when
I can eat(the ex) and now when I have cut right down being called an alchie.

My family have noticed him doing g this and think hes controlling and what I am doing is fine. I never get aggressive or fall about.

Did you only split with your alcoholic ex a few months ago? Because you've been with this guy longer than that, but it wasn't long ago you were doing AA and acknowledging that you are an alcoholic.

This clearly isn't a past issue for you.

I felt I needed AA in the past as my ex was an alcoholic who I could no longer tollerate. I am now more stable with my drinking.

I split with my ex last year when he got arrested for attacking me.
I met someone else before Xmas.

3-6 (depending on.whether you drink at lunch as well as dinner) of glasses of wine a day may be stable, in as it's consistent, but it's still very much in alcoholic territory.

Also AA wasn't in your past though was it - it was literally just a few months ago - mid November , so 6 months ago, which would have been when you met the current bloke by your timeline.

It's also pretty typical if someone that's an alcoholic to minimise the seriousness of this/deny they have an alcohol problem.

It's not like you're having the occasional glass with dinner, it's heavy habitual drinking.

The alcohol is just something for him to focus on as a 'reason' for him being an abusive cunt. If it wasn't alcohol, it'd be something else you do - buying clothes, watching game shows, having too many gnomes in your garden, etc.

Get your friends and family to help with kicking him out. This is only going to get worse and he's threatened to rape you (putting his penis in your mouth when you are asleep is rape).

Address any alcohol issues after he's out of your life.

This is so true.
I am a push over and forgive too much.
I think people see my kind nature as weakness. But I am actually a very strong person.

I was actually suffering from severe mental health problems at the time and missing my abuser. He was on remand and I just wanted him back. I was grieving him and did some very reckless things and didn't want to be here anymore. Yes I was self abusing around that time. I ended up I. Hospital.

Why on earth did you drink the wine ?

or can you not , not drink if it is in front of you ?

he sounds a vile man and he needs to leave your home now.

call his adult child and get them to pick him up

you are not helping the situation by drinking around him

He has actually had sex with me while I was sleeping before.
He also creeps around and let's himself in while I shower. He picks the lock. I hate it

"hes now calling me retarded"

Yeah the first time any man speaks that way to me would be the last time he had the opportunity to speak to me.

Absolutely throw this one back.

If he's got ongoing issues and trauma from dealing with his dad's alcoholism then he needs to go to therapy and address that or be very up front that he will only date women who abstain from alcohol.

What he does not get to do is use that as an excuse to bully, berate and be abusive towards a partner. The alcohol is a red herring. He sounds like a manipulative cocklodger using your drinking to give himself the perceived moral high ground.

@KhakiOrca this isn’t a one thing or the other situation - two things can be true at once.

Your partner is a cocklodging, abusive, rapist. Get rid of him, out of your house now, you owe him nothing. You deserve better.

You have issues around alcohol, it doesn’t matter if you feel in control and aren’t falling down. Habitual drinking to this level is not healthy, consider going back to AA.

Prioritise yourself, be single for awhile, get therapy, build your self esteem, reduce your reliance on alcohol and quit drinking.

That is rape. You couldn't consent, and he cannot reasonably believe you consented. From the Sexual Offences Act:

Rape
(1)A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a)he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,
(b)B does not consent to the penetration, and
(c)A does not reasonably believe that B consents.

I drunk the wine because I wanted to. And now I have had the whole bottle while he has tried to make his point. He is now sleeping peaceful and I dont want to be near him.
The other day I said I need to stop eating chocolate. So he went and got ne the most massive bar he could find.

What do you need to do to get him out of your house? What support can you rally to help you if you need it?

Can you set a deadline that he is gone by the weekend?

He sees your vulnerability and has run rough shod over you and into your house.

Out. Now. Please for your own sake.

And this is why I dont like sleeping with him in the same bed.
Also, I may be naive and didn't actually see it as rape as I kind of got in to it so he would just get off me.
I have actually been in the situation when a man who I wasn't with forced himself on me.