Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Probably

I think it is about how much you drink. You drink too much, you make excuses about liking it and knowing about it, but you drink daily and too much. You have a problem with alcohol that you are refusing to see. And it's bothering your partner. He isn't dealing with that very well, but the issue is your drinking

I agree with this comment.

This man may not be handling things the right way, but he’s clearly scared by your drinking and is trying to help, just not in the most effective or appropriate way. If you want my honest opinion, I would end this relationship for now and focus on getting help. Your drinking is a serious issue, and it seems like you’re not fully acknowledging how much it’s affecting your life.

I specifically said I am not being judgmental and said I was not referring to OP. I'm responding to someone who said addicts should and can recognize they have a problem- when it is well-known that denial is one of the main obstacles to recovery.

I’m agreeing with @Zonder with the amount of a large glass

but you seem to think differently

so how many mls do you say a large glass of wine is @ForeverTheOptomist

250ml large
175ml medium
12l small

happy? Can I go now? Get back to the question in hand?

I take MN opinions the same way.

I don't think the guy is into OP at all and I think he has just used her for free accommodation. He's stalling and his plans are vague. OP's judgment is obviously clouded and that could be due to her alcohol consumption or that the guy is particularly good at manipulation, or both. OP is also delusional if she thinks her 3 glasses of wine a day are okay because she's a connoisseur. 🙄

I don't think it's cool to deep dive someone's posting history and "out them" on other threads. People who like to play "gotcha" have too much time on their hands and come off as rather pious.

The issue is that there is no such thing as a large standard glass of wine in a pub. That’s something the poster made up to suit their narrative. There are three sizes - a standard 125ml, a medium 175ml and a 250ml large. And the difference is considerable. A 125ml glass would mean three glasses is half a bottle, whereas a 250ml glass would mean three glasses would empty the bottle. We have no idea what size glass OP uses, or whether she drinks every day - neither are stated in the OP, so posters went ahead and assumed it must be a large glass and it must be every day. And when a poster upthread advance searched and discovered the OP was in fact in AA, those posters immediately used that to justify the fact that they had called her an alcoholic with no evidence to support that, and with clearly no clue as to what alcoholism actually is.

OP posted for advice on how to handle the abusive, cocklodging POS she calls a boyfriend. Instead, and predictably, she got a slew of posters attacking her alcohol consumption, and the fact that she is being abused on a daily basis by this man has been lost to MN losing it’s collective mind where alcohol is concerned. And again, predictably, yet another OP has been chased off her own thread.

This. And searching an OP’s history in order to attack them on a current thread is trolling and will get you kicked off MN.

I don't think looking at someone's previous posts is trolling or attacking. It's looking at the bigger picture. Without it we can all say oh poor Op, this man is horrible and she's absolutely fine.

Understanding her a bit better can instead lead to people still saying this man is horrible but that Op needs help, which is potentially far more helpful to the OP in the long term.

As you can see people haven't been banned for doing this. In itself it isn't trolling.

@PennyThought isn’t that all MN is?
Someone posts about an issue and people reply with thoughts/feedback/advice.
Most of us aren’t professionals and are just coming at in our own way.
The OP can then read and then take in opinions, and hopefully find at least some useful?
They may find none useful. A few may help.
All can be taken with a pinch of salt?
Surely that’s the point?

I agree that the 'partner' needs to go.
What I do find disturbing about some posts on here is encouraging the OP to drink more alcohol. As though it's a good thing. I mean I've been drunk in the dim and distant past, but to encourage another person to drink more when it seems she already drinking more than is advisable on a daily basis just seems plain wrong. Why do that?

Pubs state a large is 250

small 125.

when pouring at home no one measures it so likely to be be over 125 which isn’t a huge amount of liquid tbh - but prob isn’t 250

I do think checking /stalking op’s posts are a bit ott , and said as much yesterday - but I get why some do it

If someone wants to be overly invested and adv search a poster have at it. Be your creepy self.
But, announcing those details the poster hasn't put on the thread is indeed "gotcha" posting and those posts may be deleted. That behaviour is aggressive and bullying. Repeatedly doing it could you you banned.
Scream typing at other posters who haven't read your post outing the OP make you a bit of a nut as well.
No one here needs the full picture of someone's life.

125ml is a champagne flute.

It’s only a joke if everyone’s laughing.
And calling someone retarded is never funny.
Throw him back.

Yes. 2 things can both be true:

OP can be drinking too much (whether or not she's an alcoholic)
AND

Her partner can be verbally abusive.

Drinking the amount she is for a long time is dangerous and the damage is not visible until its too late.

This man is abusive to her. He's using alcohol as a reason for his abuse. He calls her disability slurs. He moved in on a pretext even though he knew she drank alcohol.

A bf who was concerned about their gf's alcohol use would not approach her about it by being verbally abusive.

He can fuck right off.

Yes, OP has a problematic relationship with alcohol. But that's for her to address and a vicious, abusive BF is certainly not going to help that.

If anyone spoke to me like that, for giving them a hug, as a partner, they'd be gone. It's bad enough him commenting on what you're doing.

Woman up and get him out of the house stat!

Of course it's not bullying to mention things that the OP has provided details of herself. If OP didn't want her threads linked she always had the option of name changing. And details that OP has attended AA meeting in a thread about alcohol consumption is highly relevant. It's not as though they were dragging up some entirely inconsequential detail.

He's freeloading off you while calling you derogatory names, why would you put up with it? His stuff would be packed and in the street if it was me.. the first time he uttered a personal insult

so if he’s going to work in America how’s that going to work? Perfect excuse to never contact him again

No one needs to do a deep dive on anyone else and then post or otherwise callout someone with those details. If someone feels they must do this it says a lot about them (and nothing nice). It really does make that person rather self-righteous and unpleasant.

And it sounds like he took advantage of her from the start.