@Allthegoodonesareg0ne I cannot imagine your pain, reconciliation is a choice with risk involved, but false reconciliation should have its own independent circle of hell, betrayers already get one according to Dante, but repeat betrayers deserve their very own. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that he’s doing this.
As I think you know, I reconciled with my husband after his affair. The second chance was not lightly given and it would take only a whiff of anything at all and that would be that, no more chances, I wouldn’t even entertain discussing it, no point, he’s either changed like he promises he has or he hasn’t so game over.
It would, however, devastate me more than the original affair after everything we both went through.
All so can say is that I walked myself through this scenario when I decided to risk reconciliation and what stood out was that I had an overwhelming sense that in that event, my mindset would be that at least I would know I gave my marriage everything I could, that when “for better, for worse” became the very worst, I gave it my best shot.
That would be enough for me to face our young adult/ late teen kids and explain that I’d given their Dad and our family life everything I could, but that their Dad hadn’t and had blown the chance he’d been given by me, to deserve us.
It wouldn’t stop me being devastated and furious with him though for putting me through a second betrayal. But blame myself for risking a second chance? Never.
You did all you could, he’s playing a bizarre dance in the maelstrom of his own making. He can see the magnitude of what he’s done now and reality is sinking in, but his addiction to whatever the affair provides has convinced him he can’t do without it. One minute he’s sobbing with you and his pre affair feelings that he’s stuffed down resurface, then he’s panicking that in order to have this again, he’ll have to give up the affair completely and he doesn’t think he wants to.
I think this flip-flopping has probably been hidden under the surface for the whole of reconciliation, until he couldn’t stand it any more and had to choose and has now chosen badly.
The Affair Recovery website has stuff about this, the reality, I think, despite his moving out, is that he’s still being pulled in two directions. The reality of the finality of his choice is starting to bite.
It’s pretty irrelevant now, nobody would want him back after a double betrayal, his word is useless to you and to her.
I very much doubt she gets entertained with his tales of sobbing that his life is in ruins, that he still loves you and that you and the kids are the most important people to him. Only actions can prove that and his actions show you exactly where he is. Helping himself to another huge slice of cake despite starting to realise he’s eaten more than enough already. Affairs change perfectly sensible people into blind, deaf, nutcases.
Keep looking ahead, next time he literally gives you a sob-story tell him nothing he does matches his words so, just like him, they really don’t matter any more.