He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

I'm sorry, OP, that's brutal, especially when you're facing a health challenge. You can suspect so much, but it's horrible to have it confirmed.
Brave step to have filed for divorce. You're on a rollercoaster, but you are taking control.
Focus on you, your kids and your health now. He's not worthy.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, it’s awful, especially with you having surgery

However I never understand why people have cheats back, my mum gave me some valuable advice

If someone cheats on you and you have them back it gives them the green light to do it again as there’s no consequences.

you deserve better just get rid

Handhold here. Sorry to hear your POS husband did this to you. In time you will realise you are better off without him & thank your lucky stars you found out now rather than when he gaslit you into staying with him!

He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me

He says he wasn't cheating but he didn't tell you. The fricking audacity of how these men can twist the narrative in their heads to suit themselves! If he doesn't tell you that he's shagging someone else that's the very definition of cheating! FFS!

I'm sorry this has happened. At least now you know just what an awful person he is. Please don't waste another minute on him. Also, remember that no matter how he twists this, it is a huge moral failing on his part and not any kind of reflection on you.

Thank you all.
I wish I'd never taken him back the first time putting me and rhe kids through it a second time is brutal.
The last few when he 'has not been cheating' he's also tried it on with me, been attentive and told me he loves me more than once in-between being cold and downright unkind. But at least now I know its not such a head fu ck.
Logically I know he's making all the excuses he needs to justify it to himself but it still hurts and I worry for what the future looks like. But I know it would look worse to stay with him.

What a prince his is…. he is exhausted dealing with your triggers… the triggers HE caused. How fucking dare he…with everything else you have going on!! I am so sorry he has done this, I am so sorry you and the children are going through this. You will be happy, you will get strong and eventually you will wonder what you ever saw in him.

He doesn’t get to call the shots now, you do! You tell him exactly how it’s going to be. I hope everything goes well for you with your operation and that you focus on what an absolute arse he is xx

Thank you. He had the cheek to be annoyed that I've got a really good lawyer!
They are welcome to each other, truly. I know there are better times to come but right now it all feels a bit rubbish.

Handhold extended. What I think you ought to do to your husband and his sl*pper are against talk guidelines.

The lies they tell themselves! I wish you strength to keep calling out his despicable bullshit until he can no longer deceive himself about it.

I did message the ap this evening with copies of some of the messages that he's sent me the last few weeks apologising and telling me he loves me. I don't want him back but I'm not letting them do this to me and the kids and leave the lies he's been telling her unexposed. He has been trying to keep both options alive the last few weeks. He's firmly lost his family I'm not ashamed to admit I'd be very happy if he loses her as an option too though i suspect he'll manage to spin to keep her silly little head turned.

So he's said it's over, he had an affair over two years ago and looks like it never stopped.

Really if it was love he would have gone years ago, anyway it's real now, no more secrecy, they can be open, state their intentions, tell all the children, tell her husband, tell the wider family, friends, colleagues, I've got a feeling this is not going to end too well.

Keep on with your plan, lawyered up means protection, don't let him try to tell you a single thing from now on, he's a self serving shit and you have been too linient.
No mercy now for him, be that gal you once were, handhold and hug from me and look after yourself and treat yourself kindly, something that has clearly been very much missing in your life.

He's a shithead.

Take heart that even if each of them ignores the other’s behaviour right now, it will come back to bite them sooner or later. There is no “happily ever after” for cheaters who fail to face up to their actions.

Oh @Allthegoodonesareg0ne that’s absolutely awful! The pain must feel unbearable. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. He’s completely undeserving of you.
You can’t stop people from turning their lives into a train wreck but never forget, you don’t have to board this train.
Head high, time to detach from his weakness and cowardice and remember you tried to reconcile and did all you could to save your marriage. The initial damage was all at his hands and what is going on now is also his doing.
You know now that this is who he is, he continues to be entitled and self-serving and hasn’t addressed any of the issues he has within himself which led him to make these appalling choices.
Grey rock all his nonsense, deal with him only about practical matters and the divorce, don’t listen to anything else. He’s dead to you now and you have a future to plan which, whilst not the one you originally wanted, can be even better and the future you make for yourself will treat you more kindly than he is. No man is better than any man, it really is.
Treat yourself kindly, grieve what was, deal with what is and plan for what will be.
This too shall pass, this is one thing that time will help to heal. I’m so very sorry. 💐

Thank you, he is a shit head. I do think it was really over. Back then he told me on the saturday, ended it with her same day. Then went and slept with her on the Tuesday. He came back off then, I kicked him out, he asked to come back a few days later and her husband kindly sent me all their messages the endnof that week. It made clear they slept together and that she wanted more but he very clearly had ended it. He was very changed from that point. Up until he returned to his old job this February. Then the big change came after his trip with her and I knew then, just only had it confirmed today.
They haven't got a snowballs. She works and lives in his home country and he works for the same company but his role is based here and he (currently) only has plans to move out down the road to be available for the kids. When I saw their messages from 2 years ago she said she'd be scared to move here, and her job is there. He said he would love to move home but his kids are here. She is 32 with no kids and close to her family. He is 43 and doesn't (currently) want more. Cannot imagine a world where thst works especially since she'd also have to contend wirh the psycho ex 😆.
They've made their bed... Good luck to them!

Thank you so much. Your support through the first fiasco meant the world and means I don't have any regrets in letting him go now.
I loved him the right way. As you said he's shown clearly who he is now and there is no way to unsee it. No chance of me ever trusting him with my heart or our children's. They are utterly devastated to be going through this again

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you.
It’s bad enough to cheat but then to lie repeatedly about it and gaslight you is just cruel.
I hope you find your happiness soon and can move forward as unscathed as possible.
You deserve so much more

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this again. Co-workers don’t want to change job seems to be a huge red flag in reconciliation. Fake reconciliation is so damaging. Sending big hugs.

This struck me " the effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much " because yes I heard that too. They are cheeky bastards aren't they ? It is shit and it is hard but it will get better. You've started on the road to that so good for you. I'm 10 years down the line and have an incredible new life. My ex is now married to his AP and is living with her AND her old mother AND her crazy daughter. Oh how we laughed 😂

Love this! Glad to hear you found a happy life after. I was struggling with letting him go mentally until I saw those messages but now there is absolutely no other option I'm looking forward to seeing how the future unfolds. There is no version of my marriage that would be better than being on my for me or my kids. I'm hanging onto that the rest will follow.
Follow some od these cheaters really seem to decide to dig their heels in to their decision regardless of how ridiculous a situation they end up in, your ex seems to fall into that category!

So he’s going to move down the road and his younger AP is staying in her home country?
Well, that sounds daft. It’s like living in la-la land isn’t it? Her poor husband as well, he did the right thing sending you the messages.
So basically he meets a woman from another country and has sex with her - and he has chosen that twice over a loving wife and home with his DC?
If they ever get it together in a few years she will be looking at a 50 year old man clipping his toenails thinking - I blew up my life for this?
Because that’s real life. It’s kids throwing up, and hysterectomies, annoying MILs, opening bills, someone has left a bowl out instead of putting it in the dishwasher. It’s basically a lot of monotony with sprinkles of joy which keep us going.
You are going to recover, and thrive, your body will heal, your DC have you. And that’s the best deal in town.

Yep exactly. They work for the same company but in different countries so they have met ar events over the years but the first affair happened primarily remotely and this time too. He left the company for a bit then went back and it started again.
She has no idea of the reality of children. She has no idea of the reality of his lifetime tie to me through them.
My kids are 12 and 10 both wjrh additional needs, not little ones easy to build a relationship with but big clever, questioning young people. She lives down the road from her parents. He's here. Her location is his home country and I know he's shared wirh her how much he misses it so I assume her expectation was that he'd ditch the wife and move there.
They'd need to be quite exceptional to actually make it work in the real world.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne Exceptional… and other words.
So he’s giving up a family to basically sit in a flat, aged 42, on FaceTime in reality with someone he doesn’t know in real life?
She’s a sad case to have left her husband for that. Bet her parents are thrilled.
Are we meeting the new partner then? No, he lives in a flat in another country down the road from his wife and kids.
Can’t see that working but it’s not your problem. And triggers? He’s having a laugh.

I'm so sorry you are going through this especially after the work put in to reconcile.
This is my worst nightmare and I wish I could 100% say my wife will never restart her affair but after what happened I dont think anyone can ever be 100% certain.
My wife knows that by reconciling I am opening myself up for the potential of pain and heartbreak worse than the first time. Just as you did.
Triggers are awful. Dates where i'm just overwhelmed with the memory of finding out. Places I know they went. Songs - cannot stand Mr Brightside -. Conversations about so and so had an affair with friends or relatives who have no idea what happened. Plus a whole lot more.
Most I keep to myself but some get to me too much.

At least now you don't have to live with that worry and can get on with your life. Dont look back with regret on the last two years. That took a strength most do not posses and you should be proud you do.
I wish you all the luck for the future.

He is an absolute disgrace. It’s going to be tough for a while but you will get through this and you will be stronger and happier. Best of luck.

So now you know he is a cheat AND a liar . He is no catch .
Once you are well and healthy , you will soon see you are much better off without him in your life !
Learn to shine again .