He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

Financials are all sorted, I wanted them settled before the op. He didn't fight me on any of it in the end and both solicitors have said its a fair settlement though generous in my favour (as it should be given my career sacrifices that he's benefited from).
Custody is also all sorted and we have drawn up a co parenting agreement which includes things like no introduction to new partners for at least 12 months. I didn't want to leave any of that hanging until after surgery. We also agreed he'd be out of the house by July 1st. I'd ideally like him out sooner as he has a work trip near rhe end of June that includes her and I don't think I can deal with sitting at home while thst happens if he's not moved out by then.
I appreciate him sticking around to see me through the op, and his kindness. I would rather that be the end of our marriage than that he carried on with his cruel gaslighting and confusion that I was getting up until disclosure on Sunday.

I truly do get what you are saying. I would whole heartedly agree with you If it wasn't for the fact that I'm stuck in the house with him and so vulnerable after surgery.
I don't trust him. I am divorcing him. I fully understand he is likely still in touch with her and that even if he isn't he will be again. However she's not just part of tbe trauma this time, she is the symbol of it from last time and the idea that he's continuing a relationship with her while we still live together and I'm poorly is unbearable. So I'll choose to hope he's having some decency for this period as it makes it more bearable for me. That's all there is to it. Whatever is necessary to get through these last few weeks.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne this is your circus and your monkeys and how you deal with the biggest baboon is entirely up to you. You don’t need to justify your mentioning how the situation with your husband and OW makes you feel to anyone. I totally get that you want this paused until he’s out.
You get to say how you get through this, just you. Your life is in turmoil, your mental health being strained, your body recovering from surgery. How you even get out of bed in the morning and put one foot in front of the other is beyond me.
Ending your marriage hurts. Your husband contacting OW hurts. It’s ever likely that this is a big deal, these are the choices he made and the two people causing continued hurt. Yes it is all on him but the OW is his complicit accomplice and would have to be a psychopath not to be able to see that this must be hurting OP incredibly.
The pair of them should have the decency to step back for a few weeks until he’s moved out. This would bother me too, OP and there’s no shame in it.

When in reality do OWs or cheating husbands ever step back because there is a split going on ? What would it even mean ? Decency? No it's rarely going to happen. @Allthegoodonesareg0ne yes it's a tough time and yes you got surgery and yes you sometimes have to depend on other people.

I asked before. Have you had full up to date details on pensions?

Yes, thank you. He's requested his cetv from his provider. Mine has a cash value already (there's some wordy explanation why cetv isn't appropriate for my personal pension). But yes thank you for that it's all in hand.

It's not so much that there is a split going on as that we aren't just still living together he's caring for me through this surgery. Frankly rhe best I expect is that its that it's not rubbed in my face but I'll take that for now. Its just for a few weeks.

It would mean not chucking it in OP’s face on a daily basis.
There is nothing decent about a cheating husband and an OW in an affair.
Hopefully, now her husband can have what he thinks he wants and is being kind to OP, he might find a shred of empathy and compassion.

OP, I just want to chime in how sad I feel for you, but also very hopeful. You sound well organised and self reflective. You've learned a lot already and will keep on learning a lot. The pain makes us shift perspective and learn. It's not nice while going through it but years later you'll look back on this and see how you’ve grown massively as a person especially in terms of your own boundaries and taking care of yourself.

The brain never forgets but it does heal over and file these things away in a place where they eventually become much less triggering. You may find some podcasts useful/validating (Sam's Healing Podcast, Ask The Betrayed, etc) while you are resting from surgery.

Thank you. I also feel hopeful. Concentrating on getting better and then onwards and upwards

I would suspect more like acting because of guilt from him and this gives him the opportunity to say well I did this and that. Look how good I was. These men rewrite the stories to suit themselves.

Protect yourself and focus on yourself OP!

I suspect guilt is a major factor too but I'll take advantage of it 😆. Think it'll be a bit of a shock to the system to take care of everything for a few weeks! Might actually give him a bit of insight into how my life looked like with all his work travel over rhe years!

You’re likely feeling very tender and tentative about those steps as you get out of bed each morning (I’ve been there) but I’d like to tell you that you amaze me. For two years your duplicitous stbxh has emotionally stressed you to the hilt. Compounding this you’re now dealing with the effects of major surgery.
In marked contrast to him, you have the vision to carefully prepare for your future, have purpose, clarity, fortitude, wisdom and integrity.

You’re such an asset to your sons and deserve a bright and happy future.

Thank you x

Well the nice side didn't last long lol.
He's still here, still doing the practical stuff but still spouting all the reasons him leaving has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. We are now back to arguments circa 2015 as to why he can't be married to me anymore.
He's viewing a rental tomorrow. I'm so ready for him to be gone.
As much as I know it's the right thing for us to be divorcing I still see the odd glimpse of the husband I loved and it misses with my head.
It helps when he's being an arse to be fair lol.

Oh bloody hell @Allthegoodonesareg0ne it took the best part of a week for him
to recite the script to you. In a way it’s better, you will miss him less due to him acting like and entitled knob!

How is your recovery going? It must be so hard to deal emotionally and physically with healing when you have this shit going on.

His leaving and cheating with her has nothing to do with either of you. This is all about him. He’s leaving because of him. Because he’s selfish, a coward and totally unable to face himself and his flaws and own his bloody awful behaviour. It’s all on him.
In order to be squeaky clean he has to blame you and not have another woman on the side with whom he’s had an affair. In order to be the victim he has to have been made unhappy by you and persecuted by you.
It’s The Narcissist’s Prayer:
“That didn't happen."
"And if it did, it wasn't that bad."
"And if it was, that's not a big deal."
"And if it is, that's not my fault."
"And if it was, I didn't mean it."
"And if I did, you deserved it".

Classic DARVO by a man who knows he’s being a shit but needs to convince himself that the awful smell coming from him is actually roses.

When he’s gone you’ll find peace and relief @Allthegoodonesareg0ne . All the making nice in the world he might try from now on won’t make up for crap like this. Deluded idiot.

Yup didn't take long! I had versions of it for weeks before discovery now he's at it again!
Recovery is going OK thanks. Slower than I'd like, its been really hard to be dependent on him for everything and we are both stuck in the house as he's having to do all the school runs and dinners etc.
Its quite funny though given lots of our arguments over the years have been how much he is away from home and how little he does when he is here. He's so knackered he's going to bed at 8 30 every day 🤣

It must actually be so satisfying to see him exhausted 😅😅 It’s funny when it’s us we are expected to do all of that then offer sex to useless and selfish husbands!

I understand how you feel about being stuck in the house, I had to live with my ex for 1.5 years due to Covid. Thank god we had a big house but even then 😬. These are your last weeks together and in a way it’s probably all you’ve known for a long time.

Don’t force your recovery, I know your situation is hard but block out all the bad bits. Enjoy the small wins and lols x

It is very satisfying 🤣

I had a full incision hysterectomy during my divorce at a much more advanced age than you. I didn't have children to look after but was able to do most things that were needed. I got a cleaner once a week to change my bed, clean bathrooms etc. I do think you need to get rid of him asap though. There can be a tendency sometimes to still want any contact with them as it is contact no matter how toxic. I'm sensing this from your posts. For your own mind move on from this.

I've also had abdominal hysterectomy, the recovery is a challenge! He's mostly here for rhe kids so he can facilitate the school runs (out youngest has a school a drjbe away). They are both autistic so continuity is important and there wasn't time dor him to find a rental in time anyway.
But I'm hurrying him along! I'm a week into recovery now, if I can get him out quickly I will and he can do school runs oickint them up and dropping them home

The kids were hilarious at dinner today. They've wanted a cat for ages and raised it again today (H has always said no). So I said we can get one. He said I'm not having anything to do wirh it. Rhe youngest said ' Dad, you won't live here!' 🤣

It gets better today. My friend came over to visit. She looked straight at my husband and said 'your wife is divorcing you as cheated, lied, didn't respect her or your children and leave her to pick up all the mess. The other one, she thinks you're a prize catch for the exact same reason. Which one do you think is worth more?!'
I don't know who was more speechless me or H!