He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

You need to really take care of yourself . Divorce is tough and your operation will mean you go through menopause in the blink of an eye. So it’s not to be taken lightly. And you must prepare for that as well as the divorce battle. I’m like you, if I have in the past been emotionally upset with my partner I can’t eat from the sadness.
Re the negotiations with your husband, ask for everything you want as the % will get reduced so if you want 60% of something make sure you ask for 75% to get your 60.%. Also make sure that maintenance is linked to inflation ( mine bloody isn’t and I’m feeling it!). And make sure he gets days and nights with your kids. I know it’s a scary thought but you will be tired.
Will anyone look after you after your op? I am concerned for you.

Did you mention she’s quite a bit younger than him?
If so, you have to imagine at some point she’s going to find someone local for herself and he will come trying to crawl back to you.

HE IS AN AWFUL MAN I’m sorry op I hope you have a kind friend or family you can tell everything to that will help you recover from surgery. Lean onto your support system. You won’t feel this low forever and you’ll rebuild your life and be happy again x

Her husband has left her now. So I imagine she's placing a lot of expectation on my husband to fill his shoes. He'll love that (not) 🤣. He's not even considered the logistics of a relationship where they live in two different countries!! He can't see beyond rhe end of his dinkle.

Thank you. He is staying through the next weeks to see me through my op. Its not ideal for me but good for the kids as all my friends have kids at our local school but my youngest needs driving to a school further away and none of my friends can come and stay as they've their own kids to care for.
I had my ovaries out a few years ago so luckily all on top of the menopause.
Thank you for the tip about inflation! I hadn't considered that.
We got most of the finance sorted today. He's not being difficult with it so I'm trying to sort it quick before the guilt wanes or she gets in his ear about it.
I managed to stay mostly calm about it all until that was sorted but then got upset and pointed out all the flaws in his plan to leave and have a happy new life. Lesson learned to put a timer on these conversations 🤦‍♀️

Yes she's 32. I have pointed out to him that she's going to be wanting babies very soon and how will he manage that? His response was that they haven't thought that far ahead, he doesn't want more kids and has no plan to leave our local area. I told him it might have been better to have that discussion before she blew up her own marriage... what a mess for everyone involved.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne I don't know if you have previously started financials but pensions need to get an up to date valuation. That doesn't happen overnight. I would be beware of him using out of date figures.

This!!

Some people have no clue about the true value of pensions, especially in the long term

Does not sound like he’s thought at all as he’s thought with his dick.

I hope you are feeling ok op? We are here if you need a listening ear x

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne you are welcome re the advice on inflation and also take into account what a pp has said about pensions.
I am really sorry you have to see his face while you go through the operation. I also have an operation in a few weeks and my partner will look after me for a few days then he has to go home too look after his dc ( he lives a 50 min drive away). I hope you recover well. A good book or three might be a good distraction while you recover. Try eat so you are not weak post operation. Do not think you owe him anything after your years of service as his loyal wife.

I think she’s going to want children eventually, too. My husband’s OW was mid thirties and allegedly wanted no strings and just fun etc etc and had told him she wanted children but ‘hadn’t met the right wallet -er- I mean ‘person’ yet.. He’d told her he didn’t want any more children and was too old to run round after toddlers and she told him he wasn’t at all blah blah… Fast forward to a month later and she told him she loved him and wanted him to leave me and his children. Suddenly she was ‘joking’ about marriage and saying she still wanted children ‘in the future’ and apparently knew what a good father he was (‘cos all good fathers shag their OW in hotels behind their wife and children's mother’s back and pike out of their childcare commitments with bullshit ‘work’ excuses…) despite never having never even met our kids. 🙄 She banged on about how great it was that I had been an SAHM and that it was the best way to raise children (because of course her experience of these things was vast) 🙄 .
It lasted about five more minutes after that malarkey and he realised she actually just wanted a stable bloke with enough money for her to be able to live a better lifestyle and give up work. She’d questioned and questioned about his rank at work and what his job title was, the reality was that she was trying to work out what he earned. She knew by the fancy hotels and restaurants that he was a high earner but kept trying to find out how much. Age/ marital status/ parental status etc were just minor obstacles to her.
They’d both played each other royally and when it blew up it served them both right. He said as much, knew he’d been a complete fool and a nasty one at that. Bloody ridiculous scenario.
When you’re sunning yourself somewhere lovely @Allthegoodonesareg0ne , he’ll either be on his own wondering how the hell he got there, or knee deep in nappies and realising he’s going to get mistaken for his kid’s grandad for the rest of his life.
He really is trying to make shit fly, isn’t he? Stupid man.

I mean this gently but this thread has really started to focus heavily on this woman, and bizzarely if she will want children, when at this stage they don’t even plan to live together.

i think the focus should be on him, what happens now. The children, the separation, financial and living arrangements etc. I’m not sure if focusing on whether this woman wants babies is overly helpful. She may. She may not. I’d say right now, it’s fairly irrelevant.

What he focuses on now and what he does financially may well depend on what he thinks his future with OW is going to be, children or no children.
At present OP says he’s being fair with the finances but she’s quite right to point out that this might change when the guilt starts to wear off and the financial reality of his future sets in.
He’s not really thought any of this through to my mind and what he does in the present might change, if OW starts waxing lyrical about what she thinks the future will be.
His focus at present appears to be being fair, but as I’ve seen before on MN, it doesn’t always stay that way. It’s right to focus on him and his actions in the present. However, whether his current attitude continues may very much depend on what OW wants or starts expecting from him. It’s foolish to assume that OW has no influence or opinions on what he’s doing now. He’s the focus, sure, but OP is right to keep a weather eye on what’s happening/ might be happening elsewhere.

It sounds like you didn't reconcile the first time but rugswept. Proper reconciliation is really hard work and takes years with each person changing substantially their mindset.

She did reconcile properly in her opinion. Her first thread documents this all and it seemed he was 100% committed to reconciliation. I don’t really feel your comment is helpful in any way.

I think it’s foolish to think he just does as he’s told. I see this attitude a lot on here, it’s all on the woman, she decides. Which does make me wonder about the marriages of the people posting it.

yes her opinion will count, but right now it’s irrelevant, he isn’t looking to move abroad and leave his kids and she’s not coming here.

You're welcome to your opinion of course. I think the OP has unfortunately not informed herself fully on what is involved in a true reconciliation after an affair. It is literally building a completely new relationship. It also takes years or hundreds of hours of betrayal specific healing work and a lot of emotional upheaval. If her H would have done this work she would have genuinely felt the ground shift. Anything else is wishful thinking. Maybe that's a hard message.

You do need to stop thinking about the what if - it is no concern of yours. I appreciate you may feel that it affects the lives of your children but it is out of your hands. Don't be tempted for a second to feel sorry for him. Don't be tempted for a second to think that somehow him still being there and you having surgery is going to make him change his mind. Shut your mind off to what they will do or not. Concentrate on what your life will look like going forward. Get the best deal you can out of this . Don't be suckered in by his statements. He's not your friend anymore.

Just to say further to this I don't think any of the blame for this lies with the OP. The only thing she has done is probably been naive, codependent and anxiously attached. The majority of the work needed to be done by her H. If lies continued to be told on his side then he was not all in on a reconciliation and he was not playing his part. She can't and couldn't do the work for him.

I’m really sorry he’s putting you through all of this yet again. What is wrong with some people?
I hope your op goes well and you’re up and at ‘em as soon as possible.

This ‘attitude’ certainly isn’t mine. I never said it was all on her!
I never said he would “just do as he was told”.
I said OW will have opinions and some influence. It’s foolish to presume he doesn’t consider her wishes at all, that would imply that he’s having the whole thing his own way, which skews it back to him being the one calling the shots. It’s very that either of them are unilaterally.
It’s far more likely to be a mutual discussion with both sides’ wishes being aired and considered.
What I said was that his present attitude could change as he runs what’s going on past OW. She may object which could lead to a compromise of what he’s currently doing, which wouldn’t be in OP’s favour any more.
The best thing that could happen is that OW stays the heck out of any discussions, but in my experience it’s rare. What starts as amicable in the throes of guilt can deteriorate depending on how much the OW’s views are being taken into consideration.
Having trashed your marriage for an OW or OM, if the OW or OM doesn’t like what’s going on, panic can set in that the OW or OM might ditch, and they’d be left with no-one. All sorts of compromises get made at that point in desperation, so as not to end up with no marriage and no OW/ OM either.

What an amazingly awful douchebag. I’m sorry he’s put you and your children through this. Well done for being so strong. You sound like an amazing mother and woman. I will keep you in my prayers 🙏

We read all the books, did all the therapy. He stopped contact with her apart from essential work email which he always told me about. I had full access to his devices, full disclosure. We really did do it all. Unfortunately it seems he was going through thenmotions of some of it where I was fully in. We had a rough couple of weeks of totally non affair related pressures that coincided with an unavoidable trip where she was. He revealed himself to be an utter shit.
I don't think there is anything I could have differently.

It’s just them being a shit really! !

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne you obviously did all the right things and gave it your all.
He clearly didn’t.
This is on him, none of it is, or ever was, on you.