Page 5 | He's definitely restarted the affair

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 2026-05-03T18:46:02+00:00

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her. Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again. He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery. So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on. No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

Charlenedickens · 08/05/2026 17:55

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 08/05/2026 17:50

Well my surgery is all done and I'm recovering in hospital. He's been actually brilliant. Taken good care of me and the children. I got a bit teary in the run up to the surgery. It just all got overwhelming. He was very kind, but a bit confusing. He promised me he wouldn't be speaking to her until he moves out. He reassured me again he isn't talking to her. He told me that me and the boys are rhe most important people in his life. That he will remain my person. Etc.
I appreciated his kindness but nothing changes for me

Gently is he proactively asking for this reassurance or for him to not talk to her, or are you asking him not to?

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 08/05/2026 18:00

Charlenedickens · 08/05/2026 17:55

Gently is he proactively asking for this reassurance or for him to not talk to her, or are you asking him not to?

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I asked when I found out on Sunday that he cut contact until he moves out (I don't honestly expect him to stick to it completely).
I asked him again yesterday to please at least not be in touch with her while I'm in hospital. He's assured me he isn't in touch with her.
I obviously take what he says with suspicion but he seems more like himself again

OP posts:

goodThingGonewrong · 08/05/2026 18:05

It’s very very confusing what he’s saying to you when you are so vulnerable. I am glad the surgery went well and that you and your boys are being well looked after x

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 08/05/2026 18:11

goodThingGonewrong · 08/05/2026 18:05

It’s very very confusing what he’s saying to you when you are so vulnerable. I am glad the surgery went well and that you and your boys are being well looked after x

Honestly I think he's confused with things himself. I think until I had absolute confirmation on Sunday he was reserving both options in his mind and even though he was talking separation it was always 'after your surgery'. So now it's here I Honestly think it's a shock for him.
That and the fact her husband has left her and she's expecting things from him that he can't give.
He's been very teary all week with me.

OP posts:

goodThingGonewrong · 08/05/2026 18:15

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne please please do not waste any emotional energy on him. He’s betrayed you so badly twice. The second betrayal or always worse we you are over riding your intuition and giving trust. Next time he tells you “ you will always be his person”, tell him no, you will have a partner one day and they will be your person. I know you are kind but try to avoid seeing things from his perspective. In most cases when men cry, it’s usually pity for themselves fir getting caught x

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 08/05/2026 18:19

goodThingGonewrong · 08/05/2026 18:15

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne please please do not waste any emotional energy on him. He’s betrayed you so badly twice. The second betrayal or always worse we you are over riding your intuition and giving trust. Next time he tells you “ you will always be his person”, tell him no, you will have a partner one day and they will be your person. I know you are kind but try to avoid seeing things from his perspective. In most cases when men cry, it’s usually pity for themselves fir getting caught x

Completely agree with you. I do feel for him in the sense that he's made a right mess and is suffering for it . But it's not for me to make it better.
He made me so angry earlier this week when he talked about 'all the shit he's dealing with' - I was quick to point out everyone around him is dealing with shit he caused!

OP posts:

corblimeygvnr · 08/05/2026 19:26

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 08/05/2026 17:50

Well my surgery is all done and I'm recovering in hospital. He's been actually brilliant. Taken good care of me and the children. I got a bit teary in the run up to the surgery. It just all got overwhelming. He was very kind, but a bit confusing. He promised me he wouldn't be speaking to her until he moves out. He reassured me again he isn't talking to her. He told me that me and the boys are rhe most important people in his life. That he will remain my person. Etc.
I appreciated his kindness but nothing changes for me

Well that's a crock of shit isn't it? Good luck with your recovery !

Thewookiemustgo · 08/05/2026 19:28

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne hope you are better soon.
Glad you’ve been well looked after.
Looks like reality is setting in for him now.
Take good care of yourself.
You’re completely right, the shit he’s dealing with is of his own making and so is the shit everyone else is dealing with. Sounds like he’s panicking a bit and the stress of everything he’s caused, plus the guilt and shame that this is all his fault is hitting home. Nothing like a good dose of reality to bring cloud cuckoos down to earth.

AlarmingLane · 09/05/2026 05:58

The pain he feels is only for himself.

He has no idea of what you are going through.
Remember that.

Charlenedickens · 09/05/2026 06:25

Ah op, you want him to stay, don’t do the pick me dance, honestly, not again.💐

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 09/05/2026 09:31

Charlenedickens · 09/05/2026 06:25

Ah op, you want him to stay, don’t do the pick me dance, honestly, not again.💐

Oh I really don't. I absolutely feel sad to lose him. I can't turn off my feelings for him that fast. But I am crystal clear that for me and the children the only option is divorce. I cannot go through any of this again, or put them through it.

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Charlenedickens · 09/05/2026 09:37

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 09/05/2026 09:31

Oh I really don't. I absolutely feel sad to lose him. I can't turn off my feelings for him that fast. But I am crystal clear that for me and the children the only option is divorce. I cannot go through any of this again, or put them through it.

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That’s good, for your sake. The asking him not to contact her, not to be in touch with her, and him clearly rwalising how important that is to you, fake promising, and trying to reassure you, does indicate otherwise;

your whole focus seems to be on this woman, but honestly this isn’t about her. I think you need to try to change your focus.

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 09/05/2026 09:39

Charlenedickens · 09/05/2026 09:37

That’s good, for your sake. The asking him not to contact her, not to be in touch with her, and him clearly rwalising how important that is to you, fake promising, and trying to reassure you, does indicate otherwise;

your whole focus seems to be on this woman, but honestly this isn’t about her. I think you need to try to change your focus.

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I don't get a choice about keeping him in my life because we share children, but I think not wanting the constant reminder of it all it that is her involved I'm my life going forward Is pretty fair tbh

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Thewookiemustgo · 09/05/2026 09:49

I don’t think it’s that the focus is on the woman. I think that in the interim, before the actual split, you don’t want the thing that has traumatised you flaunted in your face, in plain sight or otherwise.
The triggers this would cause, to see him and hear him doing the thing that has broken your heart, traumatised you for months and destroyed your marriage are immense and OP doesn’t deserve any more stress. He should at least respect this.
She’s not asking for him to desist because she wants him to stop the affair and keep him, she’s made it clear she wants a divorce. She’s asking him to respect her space whilst he’s under the same roof and wait until he’s out. To give her a bloody break from his crass, underhanded teenage shenanigans.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/05/2026 09:49

Divorce the bastard. See how he likes life in a tiny flat.

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 09/05/2026 10:29

Thewookiemustgo · 09/05/2026 09:49

I don’t think it’s that the focus is on the woman. I think that in the interim, before the actual split, you don’t want the thing that has traumatised you flaunted in your face, in plain sight or otherwise.
The triggers this would cause, to see him and hear him doing the thing that has broken your heart, traumatised you for months and destroyed your marriage are immense and OP doesn’t deserve any more stress. He should at least respect this.
She’s not asking for him to desist because she wants him to stop the affair and keep him, she’s made it clear she wants a divorce. She’s asking him to respect her space whilst he’s under the same roof and wait until he’s out. To give her a bloody break from his crass, underhanded teenage shenanigans.

Exactly. Thank you x

OP posts:

Charlenedickens · 09/05/2026 11:33

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 09/05/2026 10:29

Exactly. Thank you x

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Ok my apologies, I didn’t think he was sitting speaking to her and doing it in front of your face, but absolutely of course you don’t want that. And right to say please don’t.

KiwiFall · 09/05/2026 12:01

You sound like you are emotionally exhausted with him and his affair and have moved on from you and him as a couple and navigating the next phase of separate lives as best as you can whilst trying to keep your mental health as good as possible. You sound amazing and I wish you well. I hope you find peace and happiness with the added bonus of seeing this relationship with the other woman crumble. (Yes I know that makes me petty and bitter but hey-ho that’s how I would feel).

Frankie5678 · 09/05/2026 12:25

OP, your life will improve immeasurably when you don’t have this abusive man in your home. You are so depleted at the minute - when he is gone; you can begin to recover.

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 09/05/2026 12:55

KiwiFall · 09/05/2026 12:01

You sound like you are emotionally exhausted with him and his affair and have moved on from you and him as a couple and navigating the next phase of separate lives as best as you can whilst trying to keep your mental health as good as possible. You sound amazing and I wish you well. I hope you find peace and happiness with the added bonus of seeing this relationship with the other woman crumble. (Yes I know that makes me petty and bitter but hey-ho that’s how I would feel).

Ah thank you. I've not felt strong through it all. I've cried a lot, shouted a lot and had to have a word with myself several times.
But the only way forward is to try and make a positive coparenting relationship and try to protect the kids from any more harm.

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Thewookiemustgo · 09/05/2026 13:25

@KiwiFall hear hear! Don’t care how petty it sounds, so would I and @Allthegoodonesareg0ne is being incredibly brave and making the right choice. I gave my husband a second chance, but the slightest whiff of anything else would be it for me. Second chances depend on permanent 180 changes and anything further renders everything that was said and done to reconcile, meaningless. After such a monumental fuck-up of life choices in the first instance he could justifiably be told to leave. If he stays, then he commits fully to staying, he gets honest, he learns, he does a whole lot better, or he gets thrown out.
You’re going remarkably well @Allthegoodonesareg0ne . You loved this guy enough to marry him and be with him for 20 years. You can’t just erase that history or switch off feelings, especially when they’re being nice to you, so it’s really, really hard.
It’s incredibly sad that he’s decided to chuck this away and be an arsehole, but he can get lost now and reap what he’s sown. You’d never have a minute’s peace of mind again.

KiwiFall · 09/05/2026 13:28

Thewookiemustgo · 09/05/2026 13:25

@KiwiFall hear hear! Don’t care how petty it sounds, so would I and @Allthegoodonesareg0ne is being incredibly brave and making the right choice. I gave my husband a second chance, but the slightest whiff of anything else would be it for me. Second chances depend on permanent 180 changes and anything further renders everything that was said and done to reconcile, meaningless. After such a monumental fuck-up of life choices in the first instance he could justifiably be told to leave. If he stays, then he commits fully to staying, he gets honest, he learns, he does a whole lot better, or he gets thrown out.
You’re going remarkably well @Allthegoodonesareg0ne . You loved this guy enough to marry him and be with him for 20 years. You can’t just erase that history or switch off feelings, especially when they’re being nice to you, so it’s really, really hard.
It’s incredibly sad that he’s decided to chuck this away and be an arsehole, but he can get lost now and reap what he’s sown. You’d never have a minute’s peace of mind again.

Thank you. I’ve read your posts a lot on this site and they are always eloquent, wise and make so much sense, so to be quoted by you is an honour!

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 09/05/2026 17:17

I'm home from hospital today and he's being very kind, without overdoing it. Taking care of the kids and me, sorting through my meds and making sure I'm comfortable.
It is quite a strange situation to be in. He's adamant he's not currently talking to ap, as I asked. He won't engage in further discussion on it and I don't trust him enough to know if he's really not in touch with her, but I hope he's being respectful enough to honour my request to park that relationship at least while he still lives here and I'm getting back on my feet. It gives me hope for a decent coparenting relationship going forward which is all I want.

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MarieTheresevonWerdenberg · 09/05/2026 17:26

Can you stop ‘allowing him to be kind’ and ‘making sure you’re comfortable’…

Nor does it really matter whether he is talking to the OW or not.

And stop trusting him. About anything - anything at all.

Instead focus on protecting yourself and looking after your own best interests.

Don't hope or wait for getting back on your feet.

Focus on the practicalities, which means financials. What you do now will determine your level of prosperity (or poverty…) in the years to come.

Prioritise yourself and your children.

And let him fuck himself, his mistress, and his future life.

Charlenedickens · 09/05/2026 17:30

MarieTheresevonWerdenberg · 09/05/2026 17:26

Can you stop ‘allowing him to be kind’ and ‘making sure you’re comfortable’…

Nor does it really matter whether he is talking to the OW or not.

And stop trusting him. About anything - anything at all.

Instead focus on protecting yourself and looking after your own best interests.

Don't hope or wait for getting back on your feet.

Focus on the practicalities, which means financials. What you do now will determine your level of prosperity (or poverty…) in the years to come.

Prioritise yourself and your children.

And let him fuck himself, his mistress, and his future life.

This, nearly every single time you post it’s bout this woman and not wanting him to talk to her, I really don’t think this is about her,and as it is clearly very important to you. Likely way more than it is to him, he will promise rather than fave the fall out. And do as he pleases.

i just think you should stop focusing so so much on her.