Feeling more like a carer than a partner after nine years

[Dogbestfreinds]

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

That's a lovely update! I hopw you're feeling better and know that abnew and improved life is ahead of you!
His reply is probably because he knew he was terrible for you and is trying not to seem to bothered bybypur decision, but please, keep him deleted.

Well done love! You've broken free!!

Don't ever let him come crawling back, no matter what he says.

A relationship is meant to meet the needs of both you people. You’re not getting anything from this other man than him holding you back and your chances of finding happiness. End it now before you waste anymore of your life!!! You only get one x

Spend the £300 on therapy. Life’s too short and you can’t fix him.

Well done OP. Get out there and enjoy yourself with your extra £300 a month !

First post often nails it. I thought you were going to say your partner is in their late 60's early 70's. Not some alkie in their early 40's.
I was married to one and my god was it freeing when I divorced him.

Well done!

He’s a grown ass adult and not your responsibility. Get him in the bin and find someone you can have a proper relationship with

This is awful. You are wasting your life and you are still young. Please get therapy to help to leave this relationship. You have done so much already for this person. He is not your responsibility but you are responsible for your actions and decisions. Leave him.

You sound like a good person - thinking of him first, even though I don't think he thinks of 2nd, never mind 1st. I think the alcohol consumes his every thought, except when he's playing on his computer.
I'm sorry to say it but I think it would be best for you to step back - I think he needs to fall first, before he gets better (if he wants to get better). You can't carry your life and the burden of his on you too. It'll wear you down.

You're doing it for him as much as for you (leaving him). Right now all you're doing is putting off the inevitable (for him).
If he changes and comes out of this episode better (but once an alcoholic, it's forever with you imo, lurking, however abstemious they become. That addictive personality doesn't just disappear).

I'd get out of the relationship and stay out of it tbh.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck.

He is an alcoholic. He is never going to change because it involves too much effort and hard work. He will get worse, his health will get worse, he will drink every asset he has ever known. You will end up clearing up his sick, his piss, his poo and apologising to every colleague friend and relative you have for his behaviour.

Leave him to it, he is not your responsibility.

Just seen your update. Well done, stay strong.

You are not in a relationship, he’s just someone who uses you. Just ring him, say this isn’t working for me and don’t go round there again … sounds very easy as you don’t live together.

I’m so sorry you have lost 9 years of your life to this drunk. Make the decision to finish with him. I suspect this will be a big shock to him as he is used to manipulating you. You will have to be strong, don’t give in and don’t believe anything he says when he’s trying to reel you back in. Don’t feel sorry for him or guilty for leaving him, he has been abusing you emotionally and financially. Maybe look into getting some counselling and explore the red flags in the relationship. Knowledge is power. You deserve so much more and whatever you do don’t allow him into your life again. You can do it. Do it today.

This
thank god you don’t live with him

what on earth are you getting from this? Nothing

i can’t believe you have to ask really he needs to be dumped!

Well done Op! What are going to do about the money he owes you, do you have proof of lending it?

Well done! Upwards and onwards now!

The best update, well done. Don't look back. Look forward, choose what you want to do. Proud of you. Brilliant!!!! 💓💓💓

Here is another stranger absolutely proud of you for what you did.

I’m mindful that it is the beginning of the month. Does he typically run out of money towards the end of the month? I am just thinking that you need to work out when he might come crawling back begging for some money.

Just as you found the strength to leave him, you also need to stay strong to reject any attempts to get you back. Keep reminding yourself that he doesn’t bring anything positive to your life. You may feel sorry for him but you are unintentionally enabling him so he is also better off without you.

I wish you a happier life going forward.

I am glad that you have ended it, it wasn't really a relationship was it, you didn't get anything out of it.

Take some time for yourself know, get some counselling, you can contact Talkworks (if in UK) for free counselling if you can't afford any.

You need to know your worth.

Save yourself before he destroys you! Walk away, no, run away. Even if you have to cut contact and lose the lent money, run away!

Delighted for you.
Join some walking, hiking, local volunteering groups and it will keep you busy meeting people.
I'm so pleased for you.

It’s great news that you have now ended this both destructive and codependent relationship. It needs to stay ended too.

Do enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme and remain single until your boundaries are a lot healthier. Men like this man and abusive ex partners damage boundaries and your boundaries currently need significant work.

Get therapy to properly understand why you chose this man and your abusive ex. You are and never were a rehab centre for such badly raised men. You cannot also act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works.

It was great to see this thread for the first time and see you've dumped him.

Life is too short!!!

Go and enjoy it x

He's a grown man and responsible for himself. This isn't a relationship, it's abuse, akin to servitude. He makes his own choices. You owe him nothing.

You're a grown woman who's responsible for herself. You need to take back control of your life. You're only 34. Time to start living. For yourself. Not for the convenience of a waster.

Leave him asap. And don't look back.

*didn't realise you've now dumped him in the bin. Well done you!! 🎉🎊🎉