Feeling more like a carer than a partner after nine years

[Dogbestfreinds]

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

This is wonderful to hear. A huge well done, I do hope you can start enjoying life now. Take your time to build yourself up and enjoy your freedom. So glad for you.

He is using you and you are being a complete mug. You don’t need to end the relationship just block him and never see him again.

I worry that when he starts missing the money he's going to start making an effort to win you back, beware and stay strong in your decision.

You’ve done brilliantly in not only ending the relationship but deleting his number.

I worry too that when he realises that his money had been cut off he will try and win you back. Have you got a plan if he does get in touch?

I think if I were you, I’d book a night out with a friend or two and have something nice to focus on.

And if you’ve previously been in a violent relationship and have just left a controlling one, have you ever done the Freedom Program?

She's ended it. Read the update.

Well done on dumping him, I assume he doesn't work, did he work when you met him. Don't get involved with men who don't work, all they will do is sponge off you.
Ignore any suicide threats, he probably can't make a threat to you if you have blocked his number and he can't use a friends phone to call you from as he doesn't have any.

What are you doing? That’s not a relationship??

She’s dumped him. Read the updates.

Updated thread!!

I think you know you need to finish it and go no contact. Hes a man child.
you also need some therapy to work out what wounds and trauma you have that encourage you to make poor choices like this guy. You need to understand what self esteem is and what boundaries are too.
Otherwise you’ll make the same mistake again with someone new.

So you don't actual go out with him on dates etc , just to around there ?

Maybe sort out his pills , do ( or used to ) some cleaning , take shopping around , assume have sex with him , watch him gaming and give him money ?

How is that a relationship ?

Great that you have . Your new life awaits you .

I see you have left him, well done.

I would urge you to think about why you put up with him for too long and explore that guilt you felt around leaving. Do you get validation from taking care of someone? Do you feel worthy only when you are ‘saving’ someone? Is there something in your family history that might have caused this need to stick around and ‘save’ the other person?

You left this particular bf but the above tendencies are in you so you might still end up with someone who needs ‘saving’ and you will be all too happy to jump at the opportunity. ‘Saving’ might take a different shape next time and danger is, you might not recognise it because it won’t be another alcoholic. It might be a cocklodger in need of place to live, someone with financial struggles where you will feel the need to step in ‘temporarily’, or, worse, a perpetual victim with ‘evil’ ex who keeps him away from kids who over time makes you doubt everything about yourself (covert narcs etc tend to do that).

You need to be aware you have these tendencies and not let them drive your decisions. You need to learn to put yourself first - are YOU happy in this, are YOU getting what you meed from the relationship, is it working for YOU. It is the right thing to do eventhough it might feel selfish at first, because you are not used to it.

Invest in yourself and always take care of the most important person first - YOU. The rest will fall into places x