Feeling more like a carer than a partner after nine years

[Dogbestfreinds]

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

Thank God you don't live together. Breaking up will make that so much easier. After nine years, I'd normally suggest breaking up in person but he doesn't care about you and uses your kind heart against you, asking you for money he never intends giving back. So I suggest a phone call saying, "This relationship no longer works for me. I wish you well." Then when he argues, just hang up.

You are a people pleaser but the problem is you're not pleasing yourself. You don't have your own back. As said, your self-worth is in the gutter. Give yourself the gift of therapy because until you improve your self-love, you will just repeat the pattern of choosing a toxic man.

Do lots of reading before you date again about the common must-haves and dealbreakers most stick to when vetting a partner. This is your one precious life on the planet and you must have standards.

Get rid. He’s made his choices, don’t feel remotely guilty about making yours. DO NOT waste your fertile 30s on this man if you want children.

I would never normally say this but provided you have left nothing you want at his house then just WhatsApp him and tell him it’s over. You don’t have to give a reason. And he certainly doesn’t deserve an explanation.

If you’ve stuff at his house pick it up then message afterwards.
You have nothing to gain from this awful relationship.
End it and look forward to the future.
Don't engage with the useless loser again.
You deserve so much more. You’re clearly kind and empathetic and there’s a lovely partner out there who will reciprocate your energy.

Fantastic practical advice from @DelphiniumBlue. This man brings you nothing but misery - end it, block him on everything and move onwards and upwards with your life.

OP, also meant to say - whatever you do please don’t fall pregnant to this guy. A lot of people are mentioning kids but you may not want them and that’s fine. But if you do, work on yourself first and you’ll be in a much better place to find a good relationship and then have a child within the next 5 years but I don’t think that should be your priority. It’s time to focus on you for once!

And once you announce you are going to leave - and this is very important - be firm and make a clean break. If he turns nasty call police if necessary and advise him of that so he knows he’s on their radar.

Men like him can either lovebomb and/or get very nasty once they realise the woman they are sucking the life out of is exiting their life.

He will be raging that he has no longer has you to use as a skivvy.

Stay clear of him after you’ve ended things , don’t agree to remain friends or offer to do him any favours - leaving a male partner can be a dangerous time. I don’t say this to scare you but to encourage you to have your wits about you and make a clean break once you dump him.

You’re not his partner I’m sorry to say.
Get rid of this loser and find someone else that makes you happy.
❤️

And, to add, end it now. Today. No point doing otherwise.

Life is very short. Is this how you want to spend it?
I really feel for you - this sounds really awful.

You are not responsible for him. You are still so young and have so many years ahead of you - make the most of every moment. Don’t waste any more time on this man. You are worth so much more than this.

It is clear that he is borrowing £300 a month from OP, not the other way around. OP just mistakenly said lending instead of borrowing.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

You are not responsible for this man. He is not your blood relative, nor is he your spouse. His situation is entirely of his own making, and at the moment (I'm sorry to say), you are enabling him.

Please do what is best for you personally.

My mistake whilst writing, he’s borrowing off me

100% end the relationship - there's literally nothing in it for you. You owe him nothing, just send him a message telling him it's over and block all contact (he will no doubt try and guilt you into staying and maybe even threaten to harm himself -DO NOT LISTEN!) He will never change - you're a good person and deserve better from life than this loser making a mug of you.

Why on earth have you been putting up with this? After 9 years you have to take accountability for putting up with an enabling him

Get rid and get on with your life.

Get out of this, get your stuff from his surreptitiously then dump him by phone, cut him off and stay no contact, then get counselling to work on why you stayed with him for so long.

You won’t get your money back.

If you want DC you haven’t got yet more time to waste with him.

If you don’t want DC you still don’t.

I very rarely say this, but leave him. He brings nothing but unhappiness and a weight of responsibility. You're still young and can meet someone lovely, you are obviously very caring and generous. Get out now before a lifetime of regret.

Bin him. What's the worst he could do????????

You're wasting your life on this loser. Don't sacrifice any more time on this relationship- you will regret it

Please end it. He doesnt enhance your life. You can have a ckean break. You're young . Know your worth and have a happy life.

The OP knows this. She's asking for help.

@Dogbestfreinds you are being abused and you do need help. I know it's really hard when people say "Just get rid" as though it's simple. You already know he's no good don't you? You are worth so much more than this. A minor point, but just imagine having that money to yourself, rather than feeling compelled to hand it over to him. Just imagine a day waking up and not having that anxiety. Acknowledging you will be better off without him is the first step. Yes you will feel lonely, but that's the panic talking, not reality. It will take time to deal with this. You might want to spend that money on therapy for example.

Just imagine this going on another nine years. That's what a good friend said to me when I was in fits of anxiety after finally being out of a slightly similar situation. And I acknowledged that yes, despite the short term anguish and feeling of lost loneliness, another decade with him would have been worse. I have spent a lot of money on therapy to examine why I put up with being treated the way I was for five years. It's hard to do, but it's worth it.

You can do this. Can you lean on friends, family?

What have I just read you used to go and clean his home???

😲

Please, @Dogbestfriends,make this the very last weekend you’re in any way involved with this individual.

It doesn’t sound as if you’ve really ever shared a decent relationship with him. As everyone else has said - Stop Wasting Your Life.

As he’s brought nothing to your life you owe him nothing - no explanation, no agonising. Simply text him and say it’s not working for you, you wish him well, goodbye.

It’s a pity if he owes you money, but you’re never going to see it anyway, so cut your losses and walk away.

Start living.

what does he bring to the relationship except stress?

I do yea and I’ve known for a long time. I’m lonely while in the relationship so that really won’t make a difference. I guess the part that’s filling me with guilt is that he has no friends, but he’s made that choice not me. I know nothings going to change, we’ve had the same conversations for years, when I’ve tried to break up with him before he pulls me back in. That’s my fault and I know that, yes I have friends they’ve all said the relationship isn’t healthy and I need to end it cause he never will x

I do yea and I’ve known for a long time. I’m lonely while in the relationship so that really won’t make a difference. I guess the part that’s filling me with guilt is that he has no friends, but he’s made that choice not me. I know nothings going to change, we’ve had the same conversations for years, when I’ve tried to break up with him before he pulls me back in. That’s my fault and I know that, yes I have friends they’ve all said the relationship isn’t healthy and I need to end it cause he never will x

I honestly don’t know if I want children I know I wouldn’t bring a child into this relationship

You’d be so much happier on your own than being a carer/bank/cleaner for him, and you’d find someone else when you were ready. You’d have more time to do things, more money, and more energy to spend on yourself and what you enjoy. It’s scary to take the first step, but once you’ve done it, you’ll be better. There’s no point afterwards in having conversations as to what went wrong, because that’s only needed if you wanted him to change and stay. He’s shown you what life will be like with him; you don’t want that for your future.