Feeling more like a carer than a partner after nine years

[Dogbestfreinds]

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

What does this actually mean unless he's thinking along the Make like a tree and Leave (Leaf) pun?

He will try and contact you . He'll change . He'll try harder . His son will whinge at you Look what you've done to my Dad

Ignore
Ignore
He is his own responsibility . Do not be guilted
His son can sort his appointments .

You've done the only thing that will work for you .

That takes guts .
You are free to plan the rest of your life . Free ,

Leave him. He’s a user. You’ve been with him since you were 25! Do you want to look back on your life and realise that this guy is what / who you lived your life for?

I do not know you. But I am absolutely sure that you deserve better!

Oooh! I should have read all the updates. Well done!!! Don’t let him suck you back in…

Well done you OP 👏

Now imagine that £300 pcm being spent on YOURSELF! 🤩

Whether it's, therapy, new hobbies, a spa session, or a short break.
The world is your oyster!
So glad you binned him off!
Brava! 👏
@Dogbestfreinds

Well done! This is the first day of the rest of your life, use all days wisely. This man did not deserve you neither does any other man who does not bring you joy. Write down, or bookmark this thread, to read back to yourself if you ever have doubts that you did the right thing.

He’s not really your boyfriend / partner. He is someone who needs you or uses you. The relationship is not normal. He has an addiction maybe and needs to resolve that to have any proper relationship.

run for the fucking hills. get yourself some therapy and don't look back

You are wasting your life and enabling him by doing what you do for him
get shot of him

You have said you are unhappy and your family have noticed how unhappy you are. You shouldn't feel "guilty" for ending a relationship that is making you unhappy. I am not surprised you are unhappy with a man who is using you financially.practically and who is emotionally cruel.
You say you don't know how to end it. Say ,i'm not happy with this relationship and i'm ending it for my own health and wellbeing. I wish you well.

Well done OP. That took bollocks after all this time. So glad you were boosted by all the support on here.

Save up some £300s and take yourself away for a holiday to celebrate the beginning of YOUR future!

Finally, don't the shithouse come crawling back. Arsehole.

Leopards spots etc.

Sadly it's not going to get any better.

If you were my DD (one of mine is your age) I'd be helping and supporting you to move on.

Good luck.

No, no and just no, this is not good. Please stop allowing this man to use you. You are entitled to so much better. Start today.

Wow the absolute scraps some women accept. You can do way better OP. He sounds like a 13 year old boy. If he wants to live in his bedroom playing with toys leave him to it. You deserve a grown up.

Omg get rid of him whether you want kids or not.
you can tell him or write a message ‘ I’m not happy in this relationship anymore I need to break up. I wish you all the best’ that’s it’

Didn’t read this before I posted - well done op! Welcome to your new free like the possibilities are limitless; focus on YOU now - your health, your happiness, your fun, your aspiration and dreams x

well done OP. Sometimes just putting everything down in writing is enough to help you see what the right thing to do is.

34 is SO young. Go out and enjoy a lovely peaceful life and look forward to the future.

Well done on making the right decision. I think you were 90% of the way there already, you just needed a few more people to give you that final confidence it was the right move.

Great news 💐

17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact

Sounds like the oldest have voted with their feet and the youngest one , not in a position to leave home , or maybe staying through Fear or Guilt , is blotting things out with alcohol.
It must be a shite life for him. the Dad is more focused on drink/games to clean the house or bother with any relationships .

Well done!!!!! Now stay strong, organise something fun with some friends or family and maybe get counselling so you understand better what you do need in your life (definitely not him).

Oh I’m so happy for you!! You deserve someone who will love and respect you, you will find that someone, big hugs for being so strong. Xx

Another random stranger who's smiling for you and wishing you well.

Maybe look at bbc bitesize. They have lots of resources that can help with reading comprehension. Don't be embarrassed - literacy skills can be difficult to gain for sime people.

Proud of you for ending things @Dogbestfreinds

He was using you, probably because you’re a nice person. But he isn’t.

You should contact al -anon or gamblers anon it’ can be easy to accept the unacceptable start taking care of yourself and stop trying to rescue others
you have the opportunity to turn this into a strengthening experience
make a decision and stick to you are stronger than you 😰think