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Original poster

Feeling more like a carer than a partner after nine years

237 replies

Dogbestfreinds · 02/05/2026 13:22

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

OP posts:
IFeelLikeChickenTonite · 02/05/2026 23:56

DelphiniumBlue · 02/05/2026 13:44

You are 34. Your Dp has had a family. You are young enough to find a better quality guy and have your own family, if that's what you want to do. If having children is on your agenda at all, you need to start thinking about how this will happen. You certainly don't want to stay with DP for another 5 years and then realise that it's getting to be too late.
Maybe children are not on your list of things to do, but think about what a nice, interesting life you could have if you weren't burdened with this useless guy. You'd have more money, more time and energy, and more fun. You won't meet anyone else while you are spending all your time running around after DP, but just think, you could be with someone who cares about, you who has interests you could share. Or you could be by yourself, following your own ideas and dreams, taking up new hobbies and and making new friends. It sounds like DP is contributing nothing to your happiness, and you don't owe him anything. You're not his mum, why would you even get involved with sorting out his medication/appointments/shopping?
You can just tell him that it's not working for you, so you're calling it a day. And that's it. You can wait till next time he goes "moody" on you, or next time he ignores you while you are at his place, if you feel you'll need a reason. Then just say, " you know what, this isn't for me. I'm not getting what I need from this relationship. Bye" Then pick up your bag and walk out that door. You don't have to have a long discussion, or convince him to agree your decision. You just announce it and go. If you try to have a conversation, he will probably try to get you to justify yourself, or get nasty, so keep it short and then leave.

This is such a good post 🙏

ASuitableName · 03/05/2026 16:10

Nowhere in your posts do you mention anything this man does that enhances your life, OP.
You have never been on holiday together in NINE years, and you don’t even go on dates. He’s bored at your place, so you have to visit him and watch him gaming. You sort out his appointments and medication, and take him shopping. You even regularly lend him money which he seems to resent paying back. What does he do for you?
Thank goodness you don’t live with this selfish individual, it makes it so much easier to end this “relationship” if you can call it one. Don’t waste another minute of your precious youth on him. You owe him absolutely nothing. He will never change.
OP, you are still young enough to meet someone worthy of you, so get rid of this dead weight of a man who will drag you down. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart, he can’t be bothered to make any effort at all for you, he doesn’t respect you. Go and live your best life, enjoy time with your family and friends, and don’t give him another thought - you have no reason at all to feel guilty.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 03/05/2026 16:13

He’s using you as a mug, it’s very easy to end it, just tell him it’s over. You don’t need to explain why. Just tell him and then block him if he gets back in touch, sounds ruthless but he’s not a proper adult and you deserve much, much better.

Hollybobs1 · 04/05/2026 11:08

Life is too short to put up with this crap. Get rid!

Bakequeen · 04/05/2026 11:09

Just go, end it today. Tell him you are unhappy. No discussion. He is an adult. Run don’t walk.

moomoo1967 · 04/05/2026 11:15

Dogbestfreinds · 02/05/2026 13:22

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

Quite frankly you deserve better. If you think he will get angry with you finishing it in person then can a friend or relative go with you ? The quality of your life will improve immensely without him. He is coercively controlling you, which is illegal now I think or will be soon

user1471538283 · 04/05/2026 11:18

This really worries me. You are facilitating his life and he has nothing but contempt for you. I wouldn't wish a car crash on a stranger and he's said this to you!

When he next gets in touch just tell him you don't want to see him anymore then block him on everything. Then concentrate on you! Do not speak to him ever again.

He will be fine. Users like him always are.

Jollyhockeystickss · 04/05/2026 11:18

You have zero self esteem, he is disgusting, but you also want to stay or you would have left,.you are as attached to him as he is too you,.do you want to do this forever and then die! Surely not, also if you got ill tomorrow with cancer or broke both arms he wouldnt care ,.block him on everything and never speak to him again and ignore any contact,.just move on or stay and be abused forever, your choice...and he is not your partner this is not a relationship you are just someone he uses

Carodebalo · 04/05/2026 11:21

Peter, I’ve thought about the two of us and I’m afraid it’s not working for me anymore. It’s over. I wish you all the very best. Goodbye. (That’s how you do it.)

catipuss · 04/05/2026 11:23

Just stop going there and see if he even notices. His sons can look after him it's not your job. You are wasting your life on this man who has given up on life.

Thegoldenoriole · 04/05/2026 11:24

I’m not underestimating how hard it will be, but you need to get rid asap, thanking all the gods you aren’t married, live together, or with kids. It’s purely emotional, the logistics will be easy,

Individual therapy will help a lot.

I promise you, within six months you will be a million times happier and wondering what took you so long.

FrangipaneMincies · 04/05/2026 11:24

Please have more care for yourself and walk away. He's literally draining you of everything, physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. Not to mention wasting YOUR life. Move on. You know you deserve better, and if you don't know that then I'm telling you. Go out there and BE HAPPY 😊xx

Frugalgal · 04/05/2026 11:30

Dogbestfreinds · 02/05/2026 13:22

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

You are throwing your life away, the very best years of your life, as an unpaid carer and cash machine for someone who doesn't like you, doesn't live you and can't be bothered even pretending to.

No marriage, no real life partner, no kids, no holidays, no special occasions, no happy Christmas, no feeling special, no joy, no respect, no love from now until the day he dies from the booze and sets you free, however old you are by then.

That's it, that's your future, that's what you have decided you are worth and nothing more.

When weighing up any relationship the question is, does the other person give more than they take or vice versa? In your case all he does is take. And you have shown him you think so little of yourself that he doesn't even have to pretend he cares about you.

Are you sure?

Are you sure you won't get to ten years on from today and wish you'd given yourself the chance of something better?

As for ending it, just send him a text and tell him you have realised you want what every other woman can have a partner who loves them and treats them with respect that they can have a life to look forward to.

Then block him on everything and use the money this useless sponger has been scrounging off you to get therapy and do the work you need to do on yourself to get you to a place where you know your value.

Notasbigasithink · 04/05/2026 11:30

Dogbestfreinds · 02/05/2026 13:22

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

Just tell him one day that this relationship doesn't work for you anymore and that you wont be visiting him again. Ask him not to contact you and block his number.
He is a freeloader of the highest order. What exactly do you get out of this relationship other than being his skivvy and bankrolling his habits each month? He knows what hes doing, his not "ill'. He's having his cake and eating it ffs.

Notasbigasithink · 04/05/2026 11:33

Oh and be prepared for him to try any emotionally abusive tactics that he thinks might work to keep you in his life (for his sole benefit) such as crying, saying he will end his life, you're all that hes got blah blah blah and when that doesn't work he's likely to get abusive and call you every name under the sun and that you're worthless and no good anyway and he was thinking of dumping you first..... yawn 🙄🙄🙄
Don't listen to a word of it as these type of people absolutely hate you taking back any form of control! Stay strong OP and put yourself first

BoredZelda · 04/05/2026 11:33

Have you left yet?

CelestialCandyfloss · 04/05/2026 11:35

You can't live your life like this. Life is passing you by and this is never going to change if you stay with this person. What are they even bringing to your life?! Don't feel obligated to stay a minute longer. Get out and start living again.

Jane143 · 04/05/2026 11:36

It will be a hard conversation but you’ll feel so much better after. It’s so hard to do. Write a letter and give it to him, outlining all this that you’ve told us. Because it’s built up over years you’ve gradually become accustomed to it, but in the cold light of day when you’ve walked away you’ll know it’s right. Book a singles holiday for a few weeks time so you have something to look forward to, you might even meet a nice man although don’t rush into anything. X

usedtobeaylis · 04/05/2026 11:37

Well done for recognising that there is more to life and relationships. He is giving you nothing and you are giving him everything - but you don't owe him anything. You don't even need to end it, ghosting him is acceptable in this situation. Just leave. I know you said you are anxious, but you are also anxious with him so it's a no brainer. Spend some time taking care of yourself and building your life up.

Dollymylove · 04/05/2026 11:42

Your are correct about being his carer. Its not a relationship its you being his nurse.
Be strong, tell him its over and reclaim your life. You're 34, plenty of time to find happiness with someone who cares about you and respects you

MyDeftDuck · 04/05/2026 11:49

FFS call time on this relationship otherwise you’ll end up caring for him and his almost adult child!
You deserve better, you deserve more, cut your losses and just stop seeing him! it really is that easy. He clearly has no intention of paying you back any of the money that you have lent to him.

Horses7 · 04/05/2026 11:49

You know that you MUST finish this - tell him anything that will get you out of this disastrous situation (I won’t call it a relationship because it really isn’t).
Then forget him and start a new happier life - you are still very young, don’t waste any more of your life.

Iamstardust · 04/05/2026 11:54

I think we can conclude that the op is still in the group of her trauma bond to this alcoholic leech of a man.

rainingsnoring · 04/05/2026 11:58

This useless man brings nothing to your life, and nothing to the lives of his children either, from what you have said. You deserve much, much better. Please get rid of him!

Nogimachi · 04/05/2026 11:59

This is not difficult OP. You aren’t married, you don’t have children, you don’t owe him anything. Very clearly your life will be better without him and you’ll have £300 a month more to save or put in your pension!
It’s not hard to finish with him - you say “I don’t think this is working any more” and you stop visiting, contacting or responding to him. You join some sort of club to try and meet other people instead. If your family interfere you say “It wasn’t working, I’d prefer not to discuss it.”
He’s had nine years to woo you, to treat you well, to create a home together and plan a future and even a family together. If he was bothered about you, or any of this, he would have done.
For comparison, my now-husband got a better job, found a nice flat, took me on trips and spent time showing how much he cared about me before inviting me to move in with him after six months, and to marry him after 18 months. He shaved nicely, dressed well, lost a bit of weight and stopped smoking. He spent time thinking about nice things for us to do and places to go, he was always interested in me and spending time with me, along with regular trips to the pub without me because that’s what he likes to do.
Every single minute I’m with him, I’m happy we met and glad I have him.

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