Feeling more like a carer than a partner after nine years

[Dogbestfreinds]

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

He’s using you. Just text him the relationship is over and just don’t go back. You don’t owe him anything and you definitely don’t need to feel guilty.

He is not your partner. Nor is he your responsibility.
Think of something fun that you would enjoy and do it tomorrow for yourself.
Make a list, make a plan, have a great time.

Oh come on now. What do you want people to say? You really need people to tell you he’s a massive fucking loser?

He is not your partner. He’s not even your friend. He is using you on every level and giving you zero in turn.
His behaviour is abusive in so many different ways I wouldn’t know where to begin.
And now his DC who is living with him he will be expecting even more of you.
Alcoholics care about two things - alcohol, and themselves. That’s it.
You are so, so young and have so much to offer in life.
You will be better off in every way without this man.
He’s not your partner at all remember that so you aren’t ending a relationship you are stopping the abuse.
If you must have an ending for your own peace of mind, don’t do it in person or even call. An email or letter would be enough. You owe him nothing.
This man is stealing your time, energy, care, money and resources and you are but helping him.
He may be 42 but he’s probably more like 60 in terms of his health and will get worse.
Please, please save yourself.

Do you know what OP, I wouldn't do this.
You do not have kids with this man and therefore have no ongoing ties to him. You don't need to try to improve things with him or try to cure him (because you won't!).
Just get out. Run for the hills and a better life.
He is sapping the life out of you.

OP isn’t in a relationship with an alcoholic. She is an abusive one way street. She needs to get out.
That is it..

Alcoholics can be difficult to disentangle from for various reasons, they can be very manipulative. That is why I mentioned that thread as it may help OP to do what she needs to do in order to permanently exit the relationship.

I think you might have the wrong idea about the thread I mentioned! Have you ever read it?

Ending a relationship can be scary, but sending him a text will be just like ripping off a plaster - quick and sharp and then it’s done!

Think of something simple to text, that you can repeatedly copy and paste: “this isn’t working for me any more, it’s over”. Don’t engage with him if he promises change - these are just empty promises.

To help you stay strong, make a list of all the negatives. It might make you angry to read back over all the ways he has let you down, but it will remind you to stay strong and keep away . Maybe total up all the money he has borrowed from you, list opportunities you've missed because of him, ways he’s let you down or hurtful things he has said.

You’ve got this! We’re all rooting for you 🫶

Another one rooting for you.
You’re still so young, don’t waste anymore time on this sad excuse of a man.

Yes, I recommended that thread too (without realising you'd already recommended it) and I would say the same thing. It's precisely about supporting women to get out.

If a woman can make a swift, clean break with an alcoholic partner, that's brilliant. But sometimes the break isn't easy, particularly after years of emotional and financial entanglement, and support from others who have been in the same boat is very helpful.

You are in an excellent position though OP: you're not sharing a home with this man, you're not financially dependent on him, you have no kids with him and you're still young. You can do this! Cut ties and reclaim your life for you 💐

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.

I am no longer happy in this relationship and I doubt you are too. I think it's time we split up so we can both find happiness.

^ That's how I ended my 40 year marriage @Dogbestfreinds . No blame, no accusations, no discussion. Just a statement of fact.

Please, please leave him 🥺 you are wasting your time, and your Life.

He will NEVER change.

Quick, clean.
Tell him it’s over.
You deserve better.
Then BLOCK him on every platform. Phone, FB, Insta. Make sure there is NO way he can contact you again.

And DONT check your messages to see if he tries to ring you etc.

Push this turd out.
Would you push a shit back up your arse? No.
He is stealing your life from you.

Please move on.
You deserve SO much better. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

I'd look into therapy OP, there is no logical reason to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you this way

I’m angry and upset on your behalf, he is using you. I’m sorry to say he is using you. You don’t need to live like this. Please leave and don’t be tempted to go back no matter what he says. He is an adult and responsible for his own decisions. There is a better life out there waiting for you xx

This is easy. Tell him it isn’t working anymore and you need space to be on your own. If he continues to contact you give him clear warning that you need space and if he ignores this, block him. 34 is still young. You can find an equal loving relationship but you need to end this first

Just run. Save yourself. He will sink or swim but that is up to him.

This doesn’t seem like a relationship at all. You give him £300 a month and are unlikely to see it again. He does what he wants and treats you appallingly @Dogbestfreinds I’m sorry to be blunt but nothing in this is good for you? And as others said - you owe him nothing; you can say “you know what, this isn’t giving me anything I need or want”. In fact, you don’t owe even that. I suspect you will need to block for your own peace of mind but take on what everyone here is telling you - you deserve far more.

I hope you’re reading all of this, and he’s dumped and blocked by the end of the weekend! You don’t owe him hashing it out talks or his need for discussion about why it’s working, you know it’s not, and you know he doesn’t love you, just finds you very convenient but also can’t be bothered being nice to you.
he gets mad if you don’t visit every day? When I was 18 I dumped a boyfriend because he thought I should keep Saturday nights free to spend with him. That’s a no from me, my girlfriends will be having parties and he’s welcome to come but I’m going.

You sound like a wonderful caring person to have put up with this for so long.

Sadly those of us who are inherently nurturing/caring/people pleasing sometimes get into situations like this and find it crippling trying to extract themselves from such dependency. I had some tricky relationships that lasted far too long because I couldn't face the volatility and subsequent anxiety that I knew would follow. You probably thought for a long while that you could help him or fix him in some way (?) but sadly people have to want to help themselves first and you are absolutely not responsible for him (and in some ways as pp has said are helping to enable his behaviour). Someone who truly loved and appreciated you wouldn't treat you the way he is treating you. There are so many people out there just like him and you can't save them all.

Do yourself a favour and end the relationship as soon as possible whilst you are still young enough to find the happiness you deserve with someone else. My biggest fear and what kept me in one particular relationship for far longer than I should have was that the person might have decided to unalive themselves if I left them (and had threated to do so previously) because I felt like I couldn't live with the guilt but ultimately it was manipulative on his part and I realised that I wasn't responsible for other people's actions. You deserve better and now you know some red flags from your last 2 relationships definitely bear them in mind when you decide to start dating again. Best of luck. You can do this.

Get out of this “relationship”. You’re too young to be wasting your life, your energy and your resources on this man, who has absolutely nothing to offer you and brings no joy whatsoever to your life. You are not responsible for him and his life so do yourself the biggest favour and finish with him as soon as you can.

Why are you still with him other than guilt?
You have absolutely nothing to be guilty for.
Your deserve so much better. Leave him before you accidentally get pregnant with the looser.

I know it seems like his problem, but this is actually your problem. Have you thought about counselling to look at why you would put yourself in this position with an addict who is cruel to you? Talking to someone and exploring what's happening with you might help to stop the anxiety at the thought of being alone.

You’ve wasted 9 years in this alcoholic leech, don’t waste one second more.

Given you don’t live with him, you can end the relationship so easily and find someone who values you, and adds to your life, instead of being a drain on you.

You know it is awful right now.
If he is an alcoholic it will get worse.
Much worse.
Even if it feels painful to end things, do it.
It will be much more painful to stay with him.
Be brave and do your future self a favour.