Feeling more like a carer than a partner after nine years

[Dogbestfreinds]

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

The key phrase is "nothing will change". You have given him lots of chances, you have tried explaining how you feel. A decent proper partner will listen to your concerns and acknowledge them, then meet you half way. And if that is not possible for them, then someone with a moral compass will end the relationship, knowing it's not what you need. There is nothing wrong with having needs - you have suppressed them because you have become accustomed to believing they are unimportant or unreasonable. They're not. And so you're clinging to a notion of how it used to be, or how you think it should be. Intermittent reinforcement is an incredibly strong compulsion - it explains gambling addiction.

You are right. His lack of friends is his responsibility. Not yours.

Fuck that, I’d have been off years ago!

OP, you are worth so much more than this deeply unfair and damaging relationship 🫂

Sounds like he's given up on life, all the nice, hopeful bits of life, and is happy to take you down with him.

There's no love, no respect, no thought, just someone happily wasting your younger days...

He's be gone by dinner time tonight if he were my partner. Earlier. Without a thought of hus awful life, self created, any more...

Run.

It doesn't sound like you're getting a whole heap out of this @Dogbestfreinds so you're better off throwing this one back. You deserve better.

If you want an idea of how to end it, I ended my last relationship by saying "I think it's best if we don't see each other for a while." It's been over 3 decades and I haven't seen him since

Stop lending money, get back anything you can and dump him ffs.

You're not helping him. You can't fix him. If you end the relationship you will improve your life and he might get enough of a shock to sort himself out. At the moment you are enabling him to ruin both your lives.

For gods sake op bin this pig. He is an utter waste of space. A gaming rig in his 40's, fucking hell.

I think you know what you need to do and actually writing this thread and saying what he does and what you’re feeling, you’re gathering your thoughts and setting them in concrete, so to speak. Ending it is very close for you, if not right now then very soon. I did similar, not a thread on Mumsnet, as it wasn’t around in my early 30’s, but I’d started to recognise thst I wasn’t happy and that I could get out. One day, he said one single sentence to me amongst everything else and it was like a lightbulb, I was done, I just turned around and walked out. We’ve never been together since.

I did have one complication, it was my house id walked out of, lol.

Leave him because it will only get much much worse.
As a single woman of your age you should be doing things that benefit you.
Take back control of your life.
Imagine what he will be like in 10 years.
No need to feel sorry for him.
Lots of people his age only have their kids, parents de eased.

By wasting your life on this loser you are blocking any possibility of a better life.

Please rethink this.
He is not a project for you to waste your life on.

You are going to bitterly regret your choices.
Get out now.

End it and block him.

Jesus Christ.

You've been with him since you were 25 years old, with a guy who was quite a bit older than you and had kids, and STILL don't live together after 9 years!! That in itself would ring alarm bells. I can sort of understand how it would be more complicated with kids in the picture, but were you happy to live on your own until they all moved out?? I'm guess this is is not the life you envisioned for yourself.

Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship

Pathetic. He'd have a leg to stand on if you were actually married and in a regular relationship, but you're not.

He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking. I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I

Other than wiping his shoes on your face I'm not sure what else he can do to convince you that he's using you as a P.A and carer.

I really sympathise with being scared to end it, but first, you need to decide that you are actually going to do that and I don't think you have yet. When you do, you just have to say, 'I'm leaving you' or 'This relationship is over'. That's it. You will survive it, and you will create an adult identity outside of him.

Separately, I think you need to examine and accept that you are desperate for love, and this has led you to this unfortunate circumstance. There are some women who almost want to be carers to adult men, because of misplaced maternal instinct or a sense of martyrdom, but the main cause of these situations is emotional vulnerability and being desperate to be loved. Only by realising that will you avoid being in this type of scenario again.

His lack of friends is his problem to solve not yours. Same goes for his drink problem, his money problems, his shopping, his appointments and his medication.... Step away, he is taking from you and giving nothing in return. Don't waste another 9 years. There is no good time to do it.... but every day you delay is another day of your life wasted.

The only way to get rid of this man is to text him or email him,then block him everywhere.

If you have stuff there, remove it first.

He keeps drawing you back in because you have low self esteem.

So the only way you're going to get free is to completely cut him off so he can't persuade you to return.

Give him no opportunity to contact you.

We all only get one life OP. FFS stop wasting your one go at this!!!

Just FYI, OP, there's a brilliant thread in the alcohol support section for family members of alcoholics. You might want to take a look.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=1

Everyone is right by the way; you need to cut your losses and break this off. You're actually enabling his alcoholism (I don't mean this in a judgemental way).

You are not responsible for whatever he does next. If he has no friends that’s on him. He is completely responsible for him, not you. Don’t let guilt stop you from doing what’s right for you.

Interestingly, there are quite a few dialects that still use the original meaning of borrow, which was "to lend".

https://www.etymonline.com/word/borrow

That's why some people often say them the other way round. Borrow me a pint is said still where I live.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS. Give yourself a good shake and move on. You will find your own level which is so much higher than his. What do you like doing, going to, reading, watching? Look on line or around locally for things you like to do, maybe with other people. I have a friend who goes to Irish Set dancing (not Riverdance). It's bit like Country dancing only Irish, and a real laugh with lots of mixing! There are groups like Meet Up, Ramblers, dinner party groups, Sunday Lunch people, solo holidays. Get out there and Live your life, not his.

Sorry, forgot to add: You are not in any way responsible for his drinking or lifestyle. IMO do not join any of the alcoholic support groups. Move onwards and upwards leaving him behind completely.

He’s abusing you, OP. Dump and block.

After breaking up, block him ASAP. Change your routine for a bit if he attempts to track you down. Don't answer the door. If he comes to your work when you're leaving, get a security guard if one is present or a co-worker to walk you to your car. But I have a feeling he won't make efforts for long if he does this, since he likes to hole up in his house so much.

Get him gone! You clearly have a lot to offer and deserve so much more.

I think this should be the easiest decision in the world but I know life isn't like that. He makes you feel needed, but actually he's abusing you just like your previous partner.

You know you need to let go of him. You'll save a fortune in money and time. He brings nothing to your life. I think it would be really worthwhile spending some of that newfound money on counselling to make sure you do actually stay away from him and to understand why you stayed so long.

For future reference, if anyone ever suggests they'd like you to be in a car crash, it's time to hot foot it out of there. If you ever find yourself doing someone's cleaning, put down the tools and get out of there. If anyone says they're bored in your house, tell them to go home.

And if you really don’t know how to end it, Chat GPT is your friend. Best of luck x