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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner ignored repeated no during sex and I feel deeply shaken **Content Warning - non-consensual sex"

428 replies

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:47

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

OP posts:
SpryTaupeTurtle · 02/05/2026 18:13

Wolfinmamma · 02/05/2026 18:03

You were raped. I'm assuming at this point it's too late for an exam that would prove it. Rape by a partner is pretty hard to prove.
It was still rape. And the way he reacted shows no remorse, he clearly feels completely justified.ntue part about giving you something to cry about is absolutely chilling. That's a threat.
I'm in the USA so in know the laws are different. Here I would call file for a restraining order and have the policy serve him and see him removed from the home. Then go to court for a permanent restraining order. Never ever be alone with him again.
I'd also be talking to his daughter. His behavior showed how he feels about women, how sure are you he hasn't done things to her as well?

Not necessarily. They say within 72 hours but if she's got bruising or any internal injury they could still be picked up on - getting a restraining order isn't always a quick process in the UK. They don't live together

OneOliveOtter · 02/05/2026 18:14

You’ve had a really traumatising and awful experience, it’s totally normal to feel confused, in shock or even feel shame. You are not responsible though and the shame is totally on him.

Previous posters have talked about going to the police and that is certainly an option but there is also no pressure to report this if you do not wish too. You may want to have a rape kit done in case you change your mind in the future but there is no pressure to do this either. You don’t have to act to protect other women, that is not yours to take on. Your loyalty and priority right now is to yourself.

The shock is likely to last for a while and you’re going to need the support of those that love and support you as well as professional advice. Consider getting in touch with rape crisis, nothing you tell them will shock or upset them. They are highly experienced in just listening and signposting. They can help you to figure out your next steps.

House12 · 02/05/2026 18:14

I’m so sorry this happened to you. At this point in my life if this happened to me even with a long term partner I would report it to the police. Maybe even especially a long term partner. Please speak to rape crisis or similar support group, and get someone to one validation about the absolute criminality of what he did to you. I’m so so sorry you were in this situation.

Wolfinmamma · 02/05/2026 18:15

If a restraining order or no contact order is a legal thing where you like, file for one.

Tuesdayschild50 · 02/05/2026 18:16

Im sending you the biggest hug... this is so far from ok im shocked reading this.
You can't have your children or yourself in the same house as him.
He has done this this time he will do it again.
He has completely and utterly crossed the line .
You don't need to stay with a man like this get out of it .
Biggest hug to you x

House12 · 02/05/2026 18:16

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 16:16

Ive not posted about him before.
I have now blocked him on all forms of contact and social media. I don’t want anything to do with him again and I especially don’t want him near me or my children. I have a supportive family and I am especially close with my mum, but I am struggling, with how I tell her what’s happened. I still feel like I’m in shock, and I feel ashamed for some reason. Sounds silly, I know. But I just don’t know how to go about it.

It doesn’t sound silly at all. I really recommend rape crisis on the phone -the anonymity really helps ❤️

Felicidad88 · 02/05/2026 18:18

Police-this is a violent rape-I am sorry this happened to you.

SpryTaupeTurtle · 02/05/2026 18:19

Tuesdayschild50 · 02/05/2026 18:16

Im sending you the biggest hug... this is so far from ok im shocked reading this.
You can't have your children or yourself in the same house as him.
He has done this this time he will do it again.
He has completely and utterly crossed the line .
You don't need to stay with a man like this get out of it .
Biggest hug to you x

They don't live together

mustardrarebit · 02/05/2026 18:21

I haven't read all comments, but for the sake of other women, please report this man, there needs to be a record, whether he is prosecuted or not. Clare's Law might be able to tell you if he has a history. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 🫂

Hivernal · 02/05/2026 18:23

I'm so sorry this happened to you, what an awful man.

I've seen a lot of posters saying that if you report this to the police they will prosecute without your consent. This is not true across the board - many areas have recently moved to a victim led approach for sexual assaults meaning you can withdraw support at any point and the process will be stopped or paused.

There's a lot of work happening to improve the way the courts and police deal with sexual assaults. If you are scared to speak to the police please speak to your local SARC (sexual assault referral centre) or rape crisis who will have a better understanding of the policies in your area and the support you can access.

Wolfinmamma · 02/05/2026 18:24

In the US if you file for a restraining they do a temporary order until your court date. Until recently though, if it was someone you had consented to in the past you had little chance unless there were visible injuries

Owly11 · 02/05/2026 18:25

Report him. This was a brutal sexual assault and rape.

SpryTaupeTurtle · 02/05/2026 18:26

Wolfinmamma · 02/05/2026 18:24

In the US if you file for a restraining they do a temporary order until your court date. Until recently though, if it was someone you had consented to in the past you had little chance unless there were visible injuries

It's not the same in the UK re consent

FettchYeSandbagges · 02/05/2026 18:26

Charlenedickens · 02/05/2026 16:51

This is too much, there is nothing to indicate he is a threat to his children. It’s bad enough already you don’t need to try to make it worse.

Worse? It could hardly be worse. The man deserves to be in prison. One can't help wondering why he and his children's mother are no longer together. 😕

shuffleofftobuffalo · 02/05/2026 18:27

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. It’s natural to feel ashamed, but it’s not your fault.

One of the indicators of a man who may kill a woman is choking her. Please tell someone IRL so they can help you keep your resolve - it’s all too easy to find yourself taking them back. Prioritise your safety right now.

whether you report to police or not is up to you - you’re not doing the “right” or “wrong” thing whether you do or don’t. However if he doesn’t leave you alone you might have no choice from a personal safety point of view, so if you do it now you’d have a record of it for references. What he has done is very serious indeed. He sounds so confident about it ok I reckon there is a fair chance he has done it before, and he will definitely do it again.

Merc123 · 02/05/2026 18:32

Agree with all other comments. I have't read all of them but if it hasn't been adressed yet...it is advisable to avoid sex 1-2 weeks after a colposcopy due due increased infection risk...i'd say even moreso being a rape case where it was no doubt pretty rough. So in addition to reporting this dhead to the police, a rape exam should also be performed. So sorry...such a violation esp when it is a partner. <hugs>

Beatriz85 · 02/05/2026 18:33

There's no two ways about it, no ambiguity. He raped you, he is very twisted, very disturbed person. I hope he stays away, and please get help and advice from women's aid if you can x

BassBug · 02/05/2026 18:35

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:47

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

That is full on rape. You need to go to the police and hopefully don't shower because that's evidence. And he needs to leave and don't let him back in under any circumstances. You deserve better than that

Noshadowsinthedarkness · 02/05/2026 18:35

OP I am so sorry for what you have been put through, unbelievably shocking. He’s a monster.

There’s lots of advice here, please do reach out to someone to talk to for support in real life - whoever you feel able to, a friend, family member or rape crisis support line.

Sending strength and love.

Thegoldenoriole · 02/05/2026 18:36

He raped you. At the very least, dump the bastard. If you have the strength, report
him to the police. Although be prepared for that to go nowhere. Could give him a good scare though.

What an absolute arsehole. I’m so sorry.

Smarvellous · 02/05/2026 18:42

AcrossthePond55 · 02/05/2026 16:53

I'm so glad!

As far as your feelings or the misplaced sense of shame, again, contact rape crisis. They can help you.

Is there a particular reason you feel you need to tell your mum? I'm not saying you shouldn't, especially if she will be a major source of support. If you feel you really need to tell her because you want her support remember that you don't have to go into detail. You can simply say that you told him 'no' and that he didn't listen. If she presses for details tell her you really don't want to talk about it. But if you are thinking you need to say in order to explain why you broke with him, then lie. Tell her he's moving to Tasmania. Tell her he cheated or is a gambler. Because no one is entitled to know what happened.

Completely agree with this OP.

There is no right way to feel or response to this, only do whatever makes you feel safe and supported. It's great you've posted on here at least, I hope it's helping a bit. It will take time to come to terms with, and the initial shock phase is probably the worst. But it will pass. We all just want to be sure you're safe. Do you feel safe right now?

Grabity · 02/05/2026 18:43

Have you been able to get medical attention?

It’s very important to get checked after strangulation in particular, even if it’s been a couple of days, as there can be internal injuries. You don’t have to give any more details than you’re comfortable with, about how injuries occurred, but it’s better not to lie. You can just say that you don’t want to share details.

Tell your mum you’ve been hurt and you need her. The rest of the words will come when you’re ready. Flowers

springvegetables · 02/05/2026 18:44

OP do you think you should speak to your GP re colposcopy and risk of infection etc? Xxx

MeridianB · 02/05/2026 18:45

SpryTaupeTurtle · 02/05/2026 17:48

Really? You think someone who displayed that level of violence isn't capable of violence against other people they supposedly love? I'm really concerned for his kids and his kids mother after hearing this

I agree. He put his hands round the OP’s neck. This is lethal violence and massively increases the chance of him killing someone. Add the rape and sexual assault (plus the demands for sexual activity in public) and we’re looking at a highly dangerous man. I have no doubt in my mind that he’s done these things before and will do again.

ThatLemonBee · 02/05/2026 18:49

Thats 100% rape please go to the police ! There was no possible misgivings the wrong message here , he taped you and he knows it