Partner ignored repeated no during sex and I feel deeply shaken **Content Warning - non-consensual sex"

[Treacletarttt]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

This is rape.

@Treacletarttt please report this man. I know you don’t want to but you need to, to save any others he may do this too. His behaviour during this, suggests it’s not the first time either so I would suggest you ask the police to carry out a Claire’s Law check on this man too.

Im so sorry this happened to you x

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Please try and find a way to tell your mum, just think about how you would want your kids to tell you in the future if this happened to them.

You don’t have to go to the police right now or ever, it’s not your responsibility to stop him doing this again x

I’ve not rtft as it’s too many pages but I have read most of them and echo the comments that he has committed rape.
I’ve also read your comments and see that you aren’t feeling up to making a police report at the moment.
I don’t know where you are but in most parts of the uk you don’t need to go to the police to self report to a SARC (sexual assault referral centre).
They can provide you with support and advice and you don’t have to go to the police immediately or even at all if you don’t want to.
What they should be able to do though, if you’re thinking you might want to eventually go to the police, and you feel up to it, is take forensics and retain them (you’ll need to say you want them to do this) so they are available should you want to go to the police in the future.
Although he SHOULD be reported to the police I completely understand that’s not an easy decision and most importantly - what you choose to do from here is entirely your choice.
I just wanted you to know that not only is what he has done entirely unacceptable and not your fault, but also that there is professional support out there if you think you might benefit from it.

if you want to see if there’s one near you the nhs have a handy search page https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/sexual-health-services/find-a-rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centre
And there are a lot of resources with further information about what they provide you can find via google.

In the mean time - I’m very sorry this has happened to you, please be kind to yourself.

You need to call the police this is rape married or not you said no and he carried on There is no justification for this behaviour no means no

You aren’t over it because you’ve been raped get this horrible man out of your house and away from your boys

I wish people would stop telling women they have to report rape to the police. They don't have to.

This has to be the most horrendous thing I read on here. (( No wonder you are in shock. OP. You were violently raped in your own bed, by someone you were close to. Its so fucking shocking, I cant get the images out of my head. Please, please report him.

And please tell your mum. She will support you. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Big hug.

Honestly, people like this guy should be castrated.

If more women report these horrible cunts there will be less rapes. Its awful, I get it - but its vital to do this.

So he managed to ejaculate while you were distressed, he got off on it? And he essentially raped you op, this needs to be a police matter and he needs to not be in your life, for yours and yours boys sake. I feel so sorry for his daughter.

hugs @Treacletarttt you have been raped. I am so glad you have blocked him. I went through it with my ex husband (raped me when we were already divorced) I have one bit of advice for you. Ignore posters that tell you to give your friends/ family, a version of leaving him like gambling..whatever, You do not have to tell about the rape, but please just do not give a false narative. Someday, another woman may be in your position with him, and bring charges..you could do a couple different things...stay out of it OR you could be her support and step up with her! Again this is all personal choice for you, none is wrong, but do not take away your future choice by saying you left him for false reasons. Big hug.

Its not silly in any way. Its not your shame to feel but whatever emotions you have around this are valid and normal.

It might be easier to just show your mum this thread rather than having to try to find the words? Or you could write it down and just hand it to her if you don't want to give as many details and you can't find the words out loud?

@Caddycat social services would take this extremely seriously and he'd be on supervised contact only pending a full investigation and rightly so. Of course there are significant risks here.

Blocking him is the right thing to do. Op this will probably start to sink in in stages but any contact with him right now won't be helpful or safe. There's no one right way to feel after something like this.

The only thing I would say is that if he turns nasty (or nastier) and starts to show up or harass you, it would be useful to have everything on file with police at the outset for your own protection from him. Do you have a friend you could stay with or have stay with you for a couple of days just while the shock of it all wears off?

I totally get the intent here, but it is never a woman’s responsibility to stop a man committing rape.

And not such a recent victim, who is still in terrible distress over it. Having to report it so soon is going to mean re-living it all and make the ordeal even worse.

The only person who should feel ashamed is him. There is no way you could have predicted he would do this to you - he's a monster with no decency or empathy but I'm sure he was capable of being charming at times, many bad people are. I'm so glad you've protected yourself and your kids by blocking him. If you can find the strength to share this with some close family I would suggest that will give you deeper support than you can get online.

This is a very good point. I think the emphasis is for OP not to feel pressured into talking over the details until/unless she is ready and wants to. I'm sorry this happened to you too.

I'm not denying anything you've said. But this OP is a traumatised woman who has just endured a horrific ordeal. Given she is the one who has posted on this forum for support (very courageously), then it's right that she should be the priortiy here.

It will be difficult enough to absorb what's actually happened - the shame (which victims should never have to feel but commonly do, as the OP has reported), the fear, the recognition of just how serious an assault this was. Victims sometimes minimise this in their own minds for entirely understandable reasons of self-preservation, so the recognition of exactly what has been suffered can come as an enormous shock, and one which takes time to process. The last thing OP needs on top of all this is to be made to feel further responsibility for anything this monster may have done or may do in the future.

Reporting these matters is an ordeal, especially considering the low conviction rate and the fact that women are often routinely badly treated by the system. I'm not going to sugar-coat that: victims need to know exactly what they are taking on. The decision as to whether or not to report therefore has to rest with the individual alone. Her priority is what's right for her, not to fulfil any form of social obligation. Quite enough of that kind of responsibility is laid at women's door as it is.

This is not further pressure you need at this stage, OP. You need kindness, support, understanding and proper care, and I truly hope you're getting it 🌹

@Treacletarttt i am so sorry what he has done to you. None of it is your fault remember that.
Id start by requesting a Claire’s law .
Then I’d show my mum this thread .
Id be ready for the police to call me in with something they have to declare about this vile man.
When you go in take your mum with you and tell the police what happened and even show them this thread too , easier than trying to find your words to start with .
Doing what he does in public is coercion. He was pushing to see how far he could get and now he’s moved things up a notch and actually raped and assaulted you .
He had his hands around your throat . He is a very dangerous man.
You need support and he needs reported as soon as possible. This will
help keep you safe .

The more people you tell the less chance he can work his way back in by scaring or gaslighting you .

Holy fuck.

Literally no words.

I am so so sorry sorry op please go to the police

Completely this.

I'm so sorry you went through this. If you are struggling with going to the police then maybe try refuge. They can support and advise you
Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline https://share.google/0C4wYWVoIn6jhVaC5

Or the 24/7 rape support.
24/7 Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Line share.google/wxI1Nx4ECGTrNfMf3

Both have online chat, so if you don't think you could speak to someone directly its a safer feeling option.

Sending you thoughts of strength and love.

I still feel like I’m in shock, and I feel ashamed for some reason.

These are normal feelings. The shame, however, should be his.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/it-happened-recently/

You may wish to seek medical assistance from a SARC because of the risk that he has infected or injured your colposcopy site.

If more women report these horrible cunts there will be less rapes. Its awful, I get it - but its vital to do this.

Respectfully, it isn't vital. What is vital is that men stop raping. If that could be brought about by victims reporting it to the police I could see some argument in it. But statistically, it's very likely to be taken to court and very, very unlikely to end in a successful prosecution.
The decision to go to the police is the individual victim's choice and I don't think it's fair to rush that when someone is still in shock.

What’s the need for the OP to tell her mother? Surely better to tell a good friend. I can’t imagine how distressed I would be to read this about my daughter.