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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner ignored repeated no during sex and I feel deeply shaken **Content Warning - non-consensual sex"

428 replies

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:47

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

OP posts:
Northermcharn · 02/05/2026 16:11

Have a cup of tea, mull it over.

Realise you need to call the police ASAP.

Ask the police ref. Clare's Law. Though if you report him it may become apparent anyway.

Change your locks (if he has a key)

I'm sorry OP. xx

Charlenedickens · 02/05/2026 16:14

LorryTaylor · 02/05/2026 16:11

OP how about contacting rape crisis? You don’t have to make any decision yet re the police.
Also, please, please don’t see him this week. Tell him you all have awful D&V or a family member needs you or something but but yourself some space and safety.

Op just bin him don’t drag it out, pretend it’s still going on. This is some of the worst advice I’ve seen given to a rape victim.

end it. If you’re scared you don’t need to say why. Make up an Excuse. Block him. Call rape crisis. But end it now and I’m really worried for you, that you aren’t going to do that, and are setting yourself up for something even more horrific.

Wynter25 · 02/05/2026 16:15

Im so sorry this happened. Please report him x

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 16:16

Ive not posted about him before.
I have now blocked him on all forms of contact and social media. I don’t want anything to do with him again and I especially don’t want him near me or my children. I have a supportive family and I am especially close with my mum, but I am struggling, with how I tell her what’s happened. I still feel like I’m in shock, and I feel ashamed for some reason. Sounds silly, I know. But I just don’t know how to go about it.

OP posts:
somanychristmaslights · 02/05/2026 16:16

Absolutely never see this man again. He sounds horrendous and you’re worth more than that. He’s escalating in how he’s treating you and it’s not ok. Do you have family/ friends you can talk to about this?

FettchYeSandbagges · 02/05/2026 16:16

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

If you can't face the thought of going to the police, then that is okay, you need to take care of yourself first. What he did to you was appalling and illegal, so it is no wonder you feel so shaken. Ending the relationship as soon as you possibly can would be the best thing to do, as soon as you feel able to do that.

Please don't feel that you have to update the thread, but do keep reading - we are all here thinking of you and ready to support you as best we can.

rainbowunicorn22 · 02/05/2026 16:18

leave. this is rape. you can report him.

springvegetables · 02/05/2026 16:18

Sweetheart you have nothing to be ashamed about. Please share with your mum and think about reporting him xx

Walig54 · 02/05/2026 16:19

So sorry for you, everyone on here has expressed their disgust. Save all of this, you can report the rape a little later when you have managed to process this further. Do a Clare's law request as he has probably done this before.

Wishing you a better future.

Happyjoe · 02/05/2026 16:23

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 16:16

Ive not posted about him before.
I have now blocked him on all forms of contact and social media. I don’t want anything to do with him again and I especially don’t want him near me or my children. I have a supportive family and I am especially close with my mum, but I am struggling, with how I tell her what’s happened. I still feel like I’m in shock, and I feel ashamed for some reason. Sounds silly, I know. But I just don’t know how to go about it.

I hope you can find a way to tell her. Am so pleased your close. You'd want to be there for your children so your mum would like the chance to help you too?

And you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, this is all on him. He's manipulative, an abuser and a rapist. Sending hugs.

LancashireButterPie · 02/05/2026 16:24

He is a filthy rapist.
I would send him a text telling him that and stating that you never want to see him again.
He might just reply in a way that further incriminates himself.
If you have the strength (and no judgement if you haven't, I didn't) then do consider going to the police. The police have specialist centres to help and support rape survivors.
There is an App "Hub of hope" that has details of local services to support mental health, you just need to put in a rough location.
You are likely going to need that support.
My blood ran cold reading your account and I wish you strength and peace.

Tahlbias · 02/05/2026 16:24

I'm so sorry this have happened to you! You have done nothing wrong! Rather than telling your mum what has happened, why don't you show her this post? It may help, if you can't verbally tell her?

wrongthinker · 02/05/2026 16:24

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 16:16

Ive not posted about him before.
I have now blocked him on all forms of contact and social media. I don’t want anything to do with him again and I especially don’t want him near me or my children. I have a supportive family and I am especially close with my mum, but I am struggling, with how I tell her what’s happened. I still feel like I’m in shock, and I feel ashamed for some reason. Sounds silly, I know. But I just don’t know how to go about it.

Please tell your mum. You can just start by saying, "He assaulted me." If that's too hard, you could show her your post, or a version of it. She may say things like, 'what happened?' and 'what do you mean?' if she is shocked and scared for you and trying to get more details, but keep talking to her. You could ask her to come with you to speak to the police or to a rape crisis counsellor.

You need to speak to someone in real life about this - if not your mum, a trustworthy female friend.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 02/05/2026 16:27

I’m so sorry he did this to you. What an horrific way for a man to treat the woman who shares his bed. I’m so sick of men.

Even if you don’t report him, is there a way you could get the physical evidence of what he did logged? Having the date of your colposcopy and then proof of penetration would at least give you something to counter any accusations of ‘he said she said’.

Try and find your nearest SARC to have a rape kit exam carried out, so that if you decide to report in future you will have evidence to back it up.

I hope you have good support around you. Be gentle with yourself, it will come in waves and you may not have heard the last of him. Be wary that when you leave an abusive man they can get very angry, so police may be your best bet, even though it feels hard at the moment.

ThatMauveMaker · 02/05/2026 16:27

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 16:16

Ive not posted about him before.
I have now blocked him on all forms of contact and social media. I don’t want anything to do with him again and I especially don’t want him near me or my children. I have a supportive family and I am especially close with my mum, but I am struggling, with how I tell her what’s happened. I still feel like I’m in shock, and I feel ashamed for some reason. Sounds silly, I know. But I just don’t know how to go about it.

You don't need to relive every detail with your Mum, but if my daughter was in this situation I'd want to know so I could support her. If you feel you can, let her know you've been attacked. It seems like he has had you questioning boundaries in the past, as if him crossing the line is acceptable, but stick with your guns because you know it isn't. Sending strength xx

ManyATrueWord · 02/05/2026 16:28

Oh sweetheart!
I am so glad you have cut him off completely. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I am so sorry it happened. Do seek help for victims of rape or unwanted sex.

Charlenedickens · 02/05/2026 16:32

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 16:16

Ive not posted about him before.
I have now blocked him on all forms of contact and social media. I don’t want anything to do with him again and I especially don’t want him near me or my children. I have a supportive family and I am especially close with my mum, but I am struggling, with how I tell her what’s happened. I still feel like I’m in shock, and I feel ashamed for some reason. Sounds silly, I know. But I just don’t know how to go about it.

well done, we don’t know each other but genuinely I’m relieved. This was not going to get better for you. It was going to get a lot worse.

i understand the shame, but you need to understand it’s his, not yours. I’m lucky I’ve never been raped but I was physically abused as a child. Badly. I was always so ashamed, I felt so powerless. As an adult I realised the shame was theirs. And I told everyone who knew them what they used to do. Because it wasn’t my job to hide their abuse. It was never ever my shame. It was always theirs.

remmeber that. The shame is all his. You did nothing to deserve this, nothing to cause it. And you’ve grabbed hold of your dignity and ended it.

Dery · 02/05/2026 16:35

@Treacletarttt - it’s going to be very hard to tell your mother but very important that you do, if you possibly can. What about showing her your first post? Tell her she will need to be sitting down and prepared for something very shocking and that you need her support. If you think it’s too much for your mum, do you have a sibling or good friend you can tell? Whoever it is - warn them that they will need to go at your pace with their response to this and let you make the big choices about what you’re going to do about this situation.

Also, do you have anyone who can stay with you for a bit as this guy might show up. Perhaps a big male relative. Though if he does show up, it would probably be best to call the police.

Applett · 02/05/2026 16:36

The same is not yours.
You poor pet.

He's a vile rapist.
Well done for blocking.
Please talk to the police, even if you do not wish to support going further with it.

He is a very very dangerous rapist.

AltitudeCheck · 02/05/2026 16:36

He is an awful man and you are right to block him and keep yourself safe. If you don't feel ready to tell your mum or the police that's ok. Please give Rape Crisis a call, they will listen and can explain next steps, even if you don't want to report, they will support you rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

category12 · 02/05/2026 16:38

When you feel ready, please try to speak to Rape Crisis.

I'm sorry he did this.

Charlenedickens · 02/05/2026 16:38

Before you call your mum I’d also call rape crisis. You will speak to someone who is much better at these things than we are, who can talk to you one on one, listen to you, make you feel heard, understood, it’s important op.

RunningJo · 02/05/2026 16:43

OP I am pleased to hear that you’ve blocked him. I’m actually relieved.

Please don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of, absolutely nothing. I hope you can find the strength to speak to your Mum. X

Caddycat · 02/05/2026 16:49

I would also suggest you speak to someone. If anything, for his daughters. I don't think their mum would be happy for him to have them 50/50 if she knew what he has done

Charlenedickens · 02/05/2026 16:51

Caddycat · 02/05/2026 16:49

I would also suggest you speak to someone. If anything, for his daughters. I don't think their mum would be happy for him to have them 50/50 if she knew what he has done

This is too much, there is nothing to indicate he is a threat to his children. It’s bad enough already you don’t need to try to make it worse.

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