Partner ignored repeated no during sex and I feel deeply shaken **Content Warning - non-consensual sex"

[Treacletarttt]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

This man is very dangerous. Do not ever let him in your home again.

please take steps to take care of yourself immediately.

OP, I am so very sorry this has happened to you. This was heartbreaking to read. I'm afraid if you haven't already, that you really need to go to the police. This is sexual assault and rape.

I feel so upset for you. Contact the police, your GP, women's aide, any local women's shelters etc. Your GP and the police will also help you with this.

Truly awful, im sorry op. Have you done a claires law on him? Might be enlightening. You need to report this to the police.

I did wonder, and either something happens and it’s the beginning of what is to come. Or there will have been other things happen, like what you have mentioned here, that show this side to him and tells a lot. He sounds like a very sick person.
Our mind naturally try to block things out etc and can be a blur as a coping mechanism.
I agree with others, as you explained things well in your post, show this to the police. So you do not need to try to say it all and already have something written down.
They will and should understand.

Just to add, the replaying it in your head is a trauma response. Don’t worry about the police right now if you don’t feel able - it’s really good you’ve got this account written down. I do encourage you to contact professionals like rape crisis to talk through what happened as it was an awful attack - like others said, it is one of the worst I’ve read about on here. You sound so shocked - it might take a little while to call it what it was. Give yourself time but please stay away from him. Use this thread for support if it helps you.

Absolutely agree there, I knew there would be some back story. And no blame at all as I have done it too. We ignore/minimise/excuse, and are almost waiting to see what happens next. Then when something big happens, if it hasn’t happened before it’s happened now, you don’t wait to find out more. What he has done is bad, there does not need to have been any other time.

MN please put a trigger warning on this as it’s a very graphic description of rape.

OP I’m so sorry. Please report this and get advice so you can be safe from him.

Oh my goodness, OP. He has raped and sexually assaulted you. Do you need any hospital treatment? It sounds like he was a brute to you. Please, please look after yourself, see a doctor if necessary and never see this monster ever again.

If you feel strong enough, you could go to the police and report his crimes.

I hope that he never dares to contact you again.

Sending you a hug and strength to begin recovering. X

this is the most serious assault described on here for a long time....go to the police

Omg you have my heartfelt warm wishes for what you have endured ….
what an utter awful piece of shit he is -

your local Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC) will look after you, support you, go through your options, but you remain in control and at your own pace -
please contact your local one
be careful- he is violent and aggressive - please prioritise your safety x

www.nhs.uk/service-search/sexual-health-services/find-a-rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centre/

Yeah, that's rape. This is so much worse than I thought it was going to be from the title. Everything about this has made me gasp, and I'm not easily shocked.

Please at least tell us you're leaving him, when you've had a chance to cool down and gather yourself?

Just reading this was horrific enough; I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through.

Exactly what every single poster here has said...the police need to know about this monster, but I completely understand you may feel you can't do this at the moment. In the meantime, even if you can just print out your post, adding that thing's name and address and hand it over to the police, it's better than nothing.

Not sure if this is an inappropriate suggestion, but do you have any way to contact his daughter's mother at all? I'd be amazed if you are the thing's first victim.

Sending you so much virtual support. I hope you have someone, anyone, nearby who you can turn to.

As gently as possible OP, that is rape. Have you got any real life support. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with regarding the authorities. But I support the idea of going to the police. He needs to be in jail and you, his daughter and your children protected. Xx

Would you consider contacting womens aid? Xx Sending massive hugs OP. I hope you get the help you need. Xx

I'm sure you’ve been advised well on here, but just wanted to say that this was a very clear case of rape, no matter what kind of nonsense he's trying to manipulate you into thinking that this was some kind of misunderstanding. It's likely this is a common fantasy for him and he simply waits for the time to be right before doing it to a woman. Awful.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this and I'm angry on your behalf. I agree this needs to be reported to the police, but also sympathise that this is easier said than done when it comes to a crime like this from one's own partner.

This. You need to cut contact immediately and change your locks.

The pther bad one that sticks out in my mind is a woman who was being analy raped by her husband, she sat in the shower bleeding and crying. It still crosses my mind to this day, he did it regularly, really hurt her, and she stayed,

im just really sad for the op and hope she’s not going to do the same. The woman I referenced was married with kids, the op is not married to this animal, she can end it, if she goes back to him, the abuse he’s going to dole out to her will be nothing short of horrific.

ive a friend who is senior in the police and before the law was changed where women didn’t need to be a witness, he said domestic abuse was the most soul destroying unit to work on, he said the women would often say but I love him and go back, withdraw their complaint, and it would go on for years and years. As the first time is never the last, and by the end he said there was nothing left of them, they were so beaten down by the fear, the rape, the abuse, the violence, they resembled nothing of the women they were the first time.mere shadows of themselves. Barely recognisable.

its so so sad, and I hope the op ends this or has already done so.

Thank God you don't live with him.

I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you.
How you move forward is very important. People who have been raped sometimes feel as though they've lost control, so it's important to stay in control and remember that anything you do now is on your terms.

As many have said, if you feel as though you can, please contact the police. They have designated police ladies attached to units who are specially trained. They won't bully you into officially reporting it as a crime, they will go at your pace, they will also keep you safe and give advice.

Remember : you've done nothing wrong. Keep yourself and your children safe, make sure you tell someone close to you that you can trust.

Sending love

Darling this is rape. You need to report this to the police and make sure he never touches you again. Im so sorry.

Horrendous to read, I'm so sorry op.

Even the earlier disrespect and disregard of your needs was bad enough.
No one needs a reason to not want sex but you'd had a colposcopy THAT DAY and.tired and sore.

It's absolutely toxic and twisted but he thinks he owns your body, that your body belongs to him and didn't like that medical professionals had access to your body that you were denying him.

That's how he was thinking, so he subsequently decided to punish you and take what he believes is his.

You are never safe around someone like this.
The abuse and violence is already horrific, and can only get worse. Please please stay away from him and keep yourself and dc safe 💐

@Treacletarttt please take note of this and protect yourself without delay. I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault, you didn’t deserve this and I hope you can find the strength to report this

Jesus OP, are you ok??

Please make sure he can’t get access to your house! Change locks etc, and if you can get a doorbell with a camera.

Can you try and speak to the police? Even if you don’t report it (which I think you 1000000% should) they may be able to put you in touch with someone to talk to.

I’d also do a Sarah’s law on him, this behaviour doesn’t spring from nowhere.

i hope you come back to this post OP. We are here for you xxxx

You poor love, that's so shocking to read. He's clearly been a sex pest for a long time, but this was a real escalation. It was rape and serious sexual assault and I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Really glad that you don't live together, please please block him on everything and do NOT listen to all the pathetic excuses he'll try. This man is a nasty piece of (probably porn-addled) work. I hope you feel able to report him and he is punished. What a piece of shit. Sending 💐 to you. X

The choice to go to the police or not is entirely yours. And you shouldn't be criticized either way. But I do suggest you call your local rape crisis centre. They will be able to advise you as to your options and may be able to refer you for counseling if you think it will help you.

But what you need to do is dump him. After what happened there is no going back. If he got away with it this time, he'll think it's OK to keep doing it.

This situation does not require a face to face or even a phone conversation. Nothing that means you have to listen to him and get in an argument about what happened. And believe me, he will try to convince you that you have it 'all wrong'. You don't.

This is what I would do;

I would consider what belongings I have at his place. And if there is nothing I absolutely can't live without, can't afford to replace, or has deep sentimental value I would text him that the relationship is over and to never contact me again. Then block him. If he has things at your place you can bag them and dump them at his door or his workplace. IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS, DON'T GO ALONE.

If you have things at his place that you absolutely must have, I would text him that the relationship is over and that I will come collect my belongings and return his on X date at X time. AND TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU. You can bag up any belongings of his and take them with you. Block him as soon as you collect your things. But again, I advise you to think carefully whether or not you really, really need the items. A laptop, phone, or the like, yes. Clothing or jewelry, probably not unless it's extremely valuable or has sentimental value.

You'll get through this.

OP how about contacting rape crisis? You don’t have to make any decision yet re the police.
Also, please, please don’t see him this week. Tell him you all have awful D&V or a family member needs you or something but but yourself some space and safety.