Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Hi, you mentioned that you've had EMDR and previous counselling. Did they pick up on any of the abuse at the time?

No because the EMDR was in 2018/19 and he wasn’t touching me like that then. The touching started mainly in 2022. The same with the counselling which was for CSA.

Sorry, I meant any of it at all - the control, the financial etc. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Has WA mentioned anything about an emergency plan?

No, it just didn’t come up and I genuinely believed that I was in a loving supportive relationship. And in lots of ways it is. It’s only when I started taking to a friend that I made a couple of years ago that she started to express that it was unhealthy.

They didn’t talk about an emergency plan, what would that be? They have given me an ID number though and gave me the number of my local DA service. In all fairness to them I just said I wanted to know if was abusive xx

Goodness, I am sorry you have endured this. Gentle support coming up. 💐 Are you safe now?

I am thank you. He’s not an aggressive person, which is what makes it so hard.

There are probably people with better experience than me but I was in what I now know to be an abusive relationship, but thought for ages it was my fault and I was in the wrong. Compared to what many go through it was mild (and most of the abuse has come after we split through lying about me to friends and family)

Those feelings never really go away, even 3 years on I still think that if I hadn't done X then she wouldn't have done Y. But quickly I realise that, no, her reaction was not what was warranted or fair. And that I am better off now.

I feel embarrassed, I feel used, I feel annoyed that I made effort and there was little coming back my way. I doubt that is something that goes away, it's all about processing it. So those feelings go quite quickly. I cant change anything, but can realise where I made mistakes (and avoid them now) or how to spot signs of abuse.

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you experienced that. I feel very similar, and my relationship isn’t a violent one and I feel quite bad talking about all the negative stuff on here because so much of it is lovely.

One of the hard parts is knowing that when I do leave that is just the start and I know they’ll be so many tough times to come.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry if I've misread here, but on the other thread you said sometimes your memories of the night get mixed up and you can't quite remember things. You also said he tends to prepare your food I think. Is there any way he could be drugging you? I'm sorry it's a horrible thought but that stood out to me. Sending you lots of love and strength

That’s okay, I could see why that might be a thought. I don’t think he’s drugging me. He has sometimes done it when he knows I’ve took a sleeping tablet and I’ve come round very drowsy to him touching me. I think when I said I don’t remember, I meant that it’s happened that many times I can’t recall each one clearly 😞

Hopefully you can have a GP appointment soon. Please do mention to your GP that he prepares your food/drink and that you have sleeping tablets in the house. They may be able to test your blood for drugs. You wouldn't be the first person who doesn't know what is happening to them. Did you read about Gisèle Pelicot and Joanne Young?

Have you heard of fawning, freezing or flopping? https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/understanding-your-response/fight-or-flight/ it's not as simple as fight or flight.

Rape doesn't have to be forced or violent. If you don't want it, but let it happen because you're worried about the consequences of saying no, that's still rape (or assault by penetration, or sexual assault). The important thing is that you don't have to worry about naming it in line with the law - that's for the police or CPS to figure out.

Thank you. I will try and see my GP soon. I’m so tired and up and down. Sometimes I feel strong and positive, and then I feel overwhelmed by everything.

i dissociate a lot, especially when he touches me and I can’t move. From what I learned in counselling, it was something I learned to do when I was little.

Hello @Becksta1
Well done for reaching out for support.
I have read your first thread and am now on this one.
It is appalling that your husband touches you sexually while he knows you are under the influence of sleeping tablets. He is acting like a predator and no wonder you cannot completely remember everything.
You sound like a prisoner in your own home. He is always working from home and he will not allow you to work. For many women being abused, going to work is a lifeline - a way to see others, seek help and also have a bit of financial independence.
I imagine the only time you go out of the house without him is the school run as he doesn’t permit you to do the shopping?

It really stuck with me from your first thread how cruel your husband was by not allowing you to do the food shop.

How can we gently support you?

To be honest, I’m a bit lost and low today. I took my youngest to CBeebies land which was beautiful, but I am feeling lost.

Regarding the school run, my eldest who is 11 takes himself but my husband takes our daughter to school nursery. I tend to pick her up when he’s not on a call. He wants to do the drop off and pick ups. It’s always put to me as he’s allowing me to rest but he’s also made friends with my friends now because of the school run and they all think he’s great. I mean he is, in so many ways. One of my school mum friends knows about what’s been happening but is clear to me that he’s a bad husband to me but is a great friend to her and is a nice guy. It leaves my world feeling so small. Like people will doubt me beside he is the guy that will always say hello. And the worst thing, I can’t prove it. I’m jug completely lost. He’s so clever in every way.

im sorry I’m so low. Tomorrow might be better and maybe some strength will come but at the moment I know I’ll be the one to suffer regardless. I can’t even get access to my documents because he’s put them in a cabinet and the door doesn’t open out as it’s wedged against the chimney and his standing desk. I can’t move it and do anything discreetly. I’ll have a chance in 2/3 months time to make another call to my local domestic abuse service. I just need to find some strength which will come.

i am sorry.i really do appreciate peoples kindness.

This is one of the things my ex used to do. I didn’t realise how much it got to me until I left.

Gentle support here, it will be hard but so worth it

Practical advice, start establishing the status quo. Be seen doing the appointments, nursery runs, etc for your daughter.

He sounds so much like my husband. It’s manipulation.

I am sorry this happened to you. I think the mental stuff is so hard. I am so glad to hear that you are in a better place nice, although I’m sure there are lots of mental scars. Big hugs

To be honest, today I was feeling like deleting the threads because I just don’t know where I’m at and can’t just leave, and honestly lots of the time, I don’t know if I want to and I know it’s wrong. On the practical things, I’m not very clever and I live in a rural county so I don’t even know if I could get a job easily or how I’d even navigate that with my two kids who need me very much. My thoughts just get very dark and sad. I am hoping for a raise in spirits soon. I haven’t seen my friend for a while (not hubby fault) but she does help raise my spirits.

OP, you have been so brave to keep posting here-I read your original thread and just wanted to say that your husband is incredibly devious and controlling, I recognise a lot of his behaviour in my own marriage of 20+ years.
I had an experience of dissociation months before as a response to his behaviour which led to me posting on here for support, and eventually getting out.
I found incredible support from a local women's organisation after I had left, without them I'm haunted I could have been reeled back in.
I now realise with the benefit of living a normal, peaceful, ordinary life, that I had been living like a hostage for years.
Can you speak to someone at your children's school to prearrange making phone calls to the police or DV groups from there when you drop off/pick up? Or the same at anywhere outside the home like the GP surgery etc.
If I had one piece of advice it would be don't believe anything he says and stay watchful-these men want us to doubt ourselves so that we don't tell people what they are doing to us.

It seems to me he is completely isolating you from the outside world.
He is effectively keeping you prisoner at home. He doesn’t want you to have outside contact and he’s infiltrating your friend circle.
Please don’t delete thread, I feel you really need someone to talk to. It doesn’t matter right know if you can’t do something drastic like leave. Just reaching out on here is a big brave step. Sending you a virtual hand hold xx

Btw I also think the other school mum is disgusting revelling in any attention your husband gives her will saying he’s a bad husband to you but a good friend to her. I despise women like this, no loyalty to the sisterhood.

Thank you so much. I never considered the school. I am on a tracker though, not that he always tracks me but we have Find My iPhone so I wonder if he will wonder why I was at the school for so long. He chats to all the staff at school too. It’s not impossible though, the time will come. I just need to keep my head above water.

i do really appreciate the help.

Thank you so much for your kindness. It helps so much

I understand that he is a good friend to her. They message each other and my husband takes her son out with ours. It does mess with my head though, especially when she says she can see he loves me. It’s quite minimising and feeds my doubts. I’m not sure how I should feel. If she told me that her husband did to her what mine does to me, it sounds awful but I know I wouldn’t like him and my skin would crawl.

Maybe “forget” your phone one day.
this gets worse and worse @Becksta1 , so sad for you , this isn’t how life should be. You sound lovely. I feel he’s taken advantage of you.