Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Thanks everyone. If someone could check my last thread or click on the image I added above regarding the date I contacted WA and passed the ID to my friend it would be much appreciated. I posted it on the 26/04/2026 on my original thread. I’m seriously questioning my sanity right now. The original thread was posted last July but I only updated it recently. The image above has a screenshot and it shows the date I posted on the thread with the update. I didn’t ring WA last July, I’m sure of it and I’d definitely remember being given an ID number. That was the first call I made. Obviously if I’m wrong I need to get myself some mental health support. Two people have now questioned the date and I’m worried I’m going mad.

@Becksta1 you are fine, not going mad, I checked it.

Thank you. I could honestly cry.

I remember your thread. Do you have a plan in place to maybe think about leaving at some point in the future? Sorry if this has already been asked. You have my sympathies, from someone in a similar situ. ❤️

He sounds heinous @Becksta1

I’m alarmed and very surprised that he is so chilled about your phone usage and doesn’t seem to monitor you and restrict your use at all? Does he ask what you’re doing on it so much? Does he take your phone to check what you’ve been doing?

You are not going mad!!!

Firstly, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through something like this too. I hope you have some support?

I don’t know what my plan is. I interacted a bit on my previous thread but it took me so long to take on board what was being shared with me I was quite numb and not wanting to believe it. It varies how I feel which affects the plan. It took so much strength and courage for me to speak to WA so that was my first step. Now I don’t know. I can maybe manage it all for the sake of the lovely times and there are plenty. He’s not a monster and I don’t believe he would ever really hurt me. I’ve started questioning things and then I question myself. I don’t know his intentions, I don’t know if he means it. He could just be looking after me. The problem I have is apart from the sexual stuff which I have been openly upset with him about, and he hasn’t stopped, I can’t prove anything else. He could just be putting cameras up to look after me because he knows I get scared especially around men. I don’t know and maybe i never will.

I apologise that this was probably a longer reply than needed and I truly hope you are okay and nothing I have said has impacted how you feel about your situation. Big hugs.

That fact that he doesn’t does this make it all okay? A big part of me wants everything to be okay with him and it not to be controlling. I do question myself a lot, and feel confused and I did tell WA and my friend to say if everything is okay and I’ve got it wrong. I want to be wrong. I never gave the phone thing much of a thought until my friend mentioned checking for apps and the lovely people on here mentioned being aware of it. He has took my phone before and said it’s to resync my phone to the car, that kind of thing. He might have checked messages in the meantime but he’s never told me if he has. I use it regularly but I’m rarely on social media or anything and it’s generally used for things like the news, listening to music or audiobooks etc and WhatsApp’s from my friend which we always keep light or school groups. I have a very small circle and spend lots of time at home. I rarely see anyone and don’t have regular social interactions. I’m quite shy which is hard for me and don’t have a lot of confidence. I am generally nervous around men so I don’t think ge would think I was texting men to check for that and I dont have a particularly active social life. I’ve been trying to act very normal whilst looking at my plans for the future (this was my friends suggestion) If I’m posting on here it’s when I’m in a different part of the house and normally doing something so I can exit quickly. Earlier unnoticed some aphids on my roses so when he came out to the garden I told him I was googling what to do, which I was but I was also interacting with this thread. I don’t think he suspects I’m looking at what our relationship is, and the sad fact is, life without him would be very difficult for me and he does know that.

I just want to say I know people may doubt my situation and although I know I’m being SA, I’m still massively unclear on everything else and I play things down and try to come up with reasonable explanations. I’m trying not to feed the part of me that worries about being believed, so I tell myself that they’re just trying to work it out with me. I can’t think otherwise because I will shut down and part of me doesn’t want that because I’m here, and I’m trying.

i know people have asked about my phone and posting and I’m trying to be sensible just in case he does get suspicious and find a way to check He could take me by surprise and grab my phone and see this but I’m intentionally doing it when he’s not in the room, mostly in different parts of the house. I don’t see him as openly controlling, but I know he works in a high level tech job and has been logged into my phone previously and to do what I don’t know, should I have asked when I discovered it, probably. Sometimes I don’t think about these things until someone asks. I posted earlier when the timings were questioned about the WA call, and I was sat outside my daughter’s dance class at the time so it was okay for me to do so. Another comment could be that I should have maybe made a call then, I couldn’t. I was in a corridor with other mums for 45 minutes and I need to be there incase she needs the toilet. Hubby is currently gaming downstairs and I’m in bed and we have creaky stairs so he doesn’t know I’m posting.

Lastly, I have PTSD, likely complex PTSD according to my previous counsellor and to be frank I’m broken. Childhood broke me first. I don’t even know who I am or what I should be. Decisions are hard because as stupid as it sounds, I barely get to make them. If I get to make the decision about having some food and what I might like to eat for lunch say or if hubby is away with work, my mind freezes. And sometimes it’s easier to just not eat. I’ve learned not to question and become really passive. He says things to me to make me feel like I have a choice and then does what he wants anyway to the point where it’s exhausting and easier just to go along with what he wants because my choice doesn’t matter and I’m so tired. But then it’s wonderful too. He quite often brings me up a night tea because sleep is so hard and if he makes a hot drink he’ll ask if I want one too. Being in our bubble isn’t too bad, I have a beautiful garden and I’m not very confident around people anymore especially my friends that he’s befriended. I’ve learned to wear a mask and when I can’t, I just stay in the bubble even more.
My post about this being gentle is because my nervous system is a mess and I don’t want to feel dysregulated and scared. I want to move forward and try and feel safe whilst doing it. I will ring my local DA service when the chance comes and I’m in a place mentally to talk. I feel I should try.

Thank you

@Becksta1 I can sense that life has always been difficult for you. The way I see it, your childhood was ruined due to SA from a close family member. Then you met your husband at 16, he is all you know and I do believe he took advantage of you being a victim of SA. Did he ever encourage you to get therapy or was he happy for you “ to forget about it”. Despite how triggering it must be, and he knows this, he also continued to abuse you in this way . He wants to watch you in the toilet and getting undressed on a daily basis when you need space and privacy. By him invading your space like this, he it showing you who is boss. The fact you had to go and placate him by asking him to fasten your bra is probably out of fear he will give you the silent treatment or verbal abuse or worse.

You are in a position that many abused women have been in. Simply right now you can’t see the wood from the trees. However, I think coming on here very bravely to explore your situation is a good start and brave too, because it’s really painful to speak your own truth.

But what comes across quite clearly is that you are and intelligent woman and a lovely mum to your dc. We will help you figure it out x

I’m really sad he’s befriended your friends, it’s disrespectful and undermines you and makes you feel isolated :( I honestly don’t know why school mums want to befriend other women’s husbands.

Not anything I can say or add for now OP but I’m sending you my love.

i was in a terrible controlling, coercive, grooming ,violent, sexual abuse and everything else in between ‘relationship’ in my teens and my twenties. I managed to get away with my DC and build a new life. I’m in my 50s now.

I have CPTSD and other problems from that time in my life so I understand how overwhelmed and confused you will be feeling. But just to let you know it’s definitely abuse and there’s help available. Even if you aren’t sure it is. I’m sure it is.

At some point you will have had enough. And like me just leave, I don’t want it to get to the same level it did for me before you leave though. So tiny steps towards the end goal of leaving.

A safety plan is there ready for when you need to leave. For example, this is me now decades later. Im not under threat now but it’s reassuring helps me cope on the bad days. I have some cash in the house in a safe place, I have a bag of basic clothes which I used to keep in the boot of my car (before that in a shed or garage so just looks like old clothes for gardening or for charity), I have my bank cards with savings accounts that are just mine, I have a phone that I use daily but can put a second SIM card in so if I leave it goes off until the new sim is in and I have my passport in a drawer next to me where I sleep. So all of that are things you can start getting into place, be very very wary of your online activity and what is being checked and the cameras in the house. You are being watched so you will have to do everything very carefully.

and remember you don’t need any of that to actually leave, if you are fearful especially of SA you just walk out of the front door and go to either a doctors, a pharmacy and they will get you help. You will never have to go back again and face anymore abuse. How rural are you are those in walking distance. If not you go outside to a safe area and you call the police. Everyone is here to help you when you are ready.

and finally the school friend talking to your husband is not your friend. Do not trust her.

Be very careful he doesn’t check your browsing history. You say he’s very techie so I think soon enough, when he sees you so much on your phone, he will check.

In you shoes, I’d get a second phone.

As previous poster said: Get another phone, even second hand. You can get a cheap sim card. If you ask another person, even in the Drs or pharmacy they will help you, even if its just connecting your phone. If you feel in danger phone 999, when they answer use 55 and they will be able trace you without you speaking.

Offering some gentle support...are you friends with anybody from your women's circles?

I attend women's circles where I live and we all have gradually built a friendship, some are closer than others.
Can you start building a friendship with some women from there? Not necessarily seeing them outside of the circle but just chatting before and after and building from there?

OP please make sure you do as @Agapornishas suggested to avoid receiving emails when someone posts on here.

Hi and thank yuh for your post. I’m processing what you have said and I am also thankful for you being open with me.

I will try and respond properly when I can. I woke up last night to my hubby with his arm around me and he pulled me into him. He didn’t do anything wrong and Nothing happened but I did get a bit scared so I’ve felt like I’m in a fog. I know he wants to have sex, hence the watching me undress and “you’re so sexy” texts and comments. I don’t want to have sex but if I offer it it might make it less likely for him to mess with me in my sleep. If I feel strong I’ll give him sex and let him have my body, like I’ll instigate it because I know he wants it, but right now I just don’t want to be messed with and I don’t want to offer it either.

I am sorry I am feeling like this. He would just take full sex, so I know I should really stop worrying.

There was a typo on my last post. It should say “wouldn’t take full sex” I’m sorry.

My mum isn’t someone I can go to for lots of reasons, but I so want her right now.

Nothing to be sorry about , you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t feel comfortable with.
I am really sorry you feel so under threat in your own bed. It must have been unsettling and scary. Had he ever forced you to have sex ie tried to penetrate you when you have been asleep or said no?
When my partner hugs me in bed I feel like I am in the safest place on earth. I feel like you are being robbed of feeling safe and secure.
The “ you’re so sexy” comments are like he is placing the responsibility on you - he acts this way as you are so sexy. When in fact the ownership is on him - he acts like this as he objectifies you in order to touch you without consent. Does he tell you he “ can’t help himself?”.

My post maybe heavy so there is no need to reply.

Is there anything we can do to help you? How was your day?

Bless you, you sound so in need of a big hug x

Ok this answers my question on if he’s ever had sex with you without consent.

I don’t know if he’s tried, I don’t know, but years ago I was probably around 19/20, I was very drunk and we were having sex, I felt myself getting really dizzy and he tried to put it in my bottom. I don’t even know if he was messing, it didn’t go in. So I don’t know.

the only other time was in late 2023 when after the touching he put his penis against my boys, it didn’t go in but there was pressure.

My bits, my front bit

It doesn’t sound good @Becksta1 but I am glad they are isolated events. However there seems to be ongoing tension regarding his expectation for sex.

Are you feeling quite emotional tonight about your mum? It must be hard as you mentioned she is quite sick. It’s very sad and it must feel very conflicting to you.