Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

@Theysignoffquick if you’ve read all of the posters comments, she’s in a controlling relationship where there is abuse. What would stop her doing what you’ve said is fear of repercussions. It’s hard to be bold like this when every aspect of her life is being micro managed. I say this gently when I say it but try and have a bit more empathy. Sometimes those who have never been abused don’t see those invisible shackles. It’s all harder than it seems. She’s struggling and is asking for gentle help. Which is what most of us are trying to do:

Stop berating her. She can’t talk freely with her husband home and he rarely leaves her alone or is tracking her. @Becksta1 resching out for support is one way she cab so it quietly. I don’t really understand why you are being so harsh and not reading her posts.

I didn’t call WA last July. I made attempts, I think in November but couldn’t get through in the time that I had. My first actual conversation was on Saturday. I don’t know what you want me to say or do.

No. Not helpful on this thread.

Don't worry about it, take your time. People tend to offer lots of different advice and some are hasher than others. Read what you find useful - ignore the rest.

At this stage, it sounds like you mostly need others to explain and validate the things that are happening to you. I'm sure it's been recommended before, but there's a book called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can read it here https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/LundyWhy-does-he-do-that.pdf
There is probably an audiobook version, but be careful with listening to that on any shared accounts.

@Becksta1 you don’t have to say it do anything, you’ve done nothing wrong and this should be your safe place to talk. If people don’t like what they are hearing they don’t have to post on the thread. I actively encouraged you to start a new thread to get support and most of it has been kind and understanding x

Thank you. I think I’m going to give myself a bit of space. I am grateful for the support.

Have you noticed the title asking for gentle support? Do you feel you're providing that?

@Theysignoffquick why do you continue to carry on in this unhelpful and aggressive manner? The op is clearly very vulnerable so I am not sure why you continue to question what she’s saying. Give her a break!

It’s a shame. On threads like this, there is always one person that is so harsh the op leaves and another life line for her is cut off :(

Please know that 1 twat doesn't mean you need to leave. MNHQ has deleted the unhelpful posts. We're here for you.

Not in this case it isn't @Theysignoffquick

The title, incase you need reminding: Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

If you can't manage that, scroll on by.

@Becksta1 I hope you come back. A great bunch of supportive women here wanting to listen to you.
You can lead this thread and ask for the help you need. I think you can see the majority understand your position very well.

Thanks everyone for being so supportive and kind. I’m trying to process what just happened. I know it probably came from a place of frustration and that’s understandable. I am quite slow at taking things in and it takes me longer than most people and it’s something that I do recognise. I will give myself a bit of time to ground back into body and snuggle my beautiful children. I’ll speak again soon as honestly, the support and kindness shown by people who don’t know me is so heartwarming.

Do you mean this one that I posted in the old one recently? If not please can you point out where is said that as I fear I’m going mad.

@Becksta1 I was dipping in and out of your posts today. It’s really laid bare the day to day restrictions and abuse in your daily life.

I have given it a lot of thought and I will comment fully later for you to read when ever you feel like it. I did not want to read and run. Be gentle on yourself. X

I read your first post and read this one - no advice to add but wanted to say that you are not alone. Your world isn’t small - you have all of us backing you. The issue is him and not you - you have a whole army of Mumsnetters here caring about you and backing you - you are not alone, we are behind you. Sending love x

Thank you xx