Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

No need to apologise. Thanks for explaining the safety plan. I did mention to the lady at WA that I only have access to my driving licence. All my documents are in a cabinet that’s positioned in a way that I can’t access. Maybe that’s why she didn’t mention safety planning, or it could be because I was just asking if my relationship is abusive, it could also be that this is low level so I’m not really at risk of being hurt badly.

Thanks for all the tech tips. I had no idea but have sorted that now. He’s does all the tech stuff, even wouldbt let me set up my new phone last month. I think he’s someone that just has to do everything.

Thank you. I really appreciate the care.

If he set up your phone there is a very high chance he added spyware apps. Definitely do a factory reset. If you go to your app store you can see a list of all the apps installed on your phone.

If you don't want him to get suspicious, try to get a second phone and keep it very safely hidden away somewhere, though I appreciate you probably don't have any hiding places.

I don’t know any ones opinions on this and I should probably be flattered. But if my hubby knows I’m in the shower he comes in and looks. Even if I’m on the toilet and the door is ajar he’ll come in and look. This morning I was putting washing away and because I was in my PJ’s he told me to let him know when I was changing so he could look. I don’t like this. He left the room and I sat on the bed thinking of a way to not have him watch. He doesn’t get aggressive if I don’t but he will take it as rejection and get upset and then I feel bad. Fortunately I heard him on a work call so I changed my knickers and put shorts on before I asked him to help with my bra as I felt like I had to give him something and not lose all of my dignity. I got a WhatsApp off him when I was sat in the garden at lunch time saying “you’re so beautiful. I know he is likely turned on and his sex drive will be building. Normally at this point I give myself a day or two and instigate sex to get it out of the way to avoid the touching in my sleep, even though this doesn’t always make a difference. I know I’m stooping low and offering myself. I think I feel better if I instigate then because I feel in control.

Just to speak to my local DA service to get 121 support.

We share a car.

He works in a separate room and I’m normally pottering around the house doing stuff or listening to audiobooks etc. I have my phone on me a lot as does he.

I haven’t been able to contact them yet.

Not that I’m aware off, unless he can somehow access it in other ways. I don’t know if he has, he’s never said that he has and I didn’t give it much of a thought until it was mentioned to me.

That's terrible that she's saying your abusive partner is a nice guy?! What kind of an ally to other women is she? Not much of a friend at all.

You'd be perfectly within your rights to tell absolutely everyone that knows him even in passing the truth about his appalling behaviour. You shouldn't need to feel the urge to protect his reputation. You've done nothing wrong and he's done everything wrong.

The more people that know the more support you'll get. Just give that one woman who knows what he's like but still thinks he's fantastic a wide berth.

I got through to WA for the first time on Saturday. I have cameras in my garden and WA said they won’t speak if he’s home and I’m not sure I’d want to. Have I done something wrong?

Ok.

No, you shouldn't feel flattered about him wanting to watch you when you don't want to be watched. You are clearly not giving enthusiastic consent. He is a gross perv. Watching you on the toilet, feeling forced into letting him close your bra? None of what you describe is normal.

Please can everyone note that she's asked for gentle support - do not expect rushed actions.

Please ignore anyone who says you should have contacted Women's Aid sooner or faster, they clearly don't know how difficult it is to get hold of them. You're doing this at your own pace, not anyone else's.

I’m sorry. I’m very confused and I said to WA that. I don’t know what to say.