Men/marriage in midlife - does it get better?

[fleurblu]

I have a handful of very close female friends, we are all late 40s/early 50s. Pretty much everyone seems to be experiencing issues in their relationships, myself included. Various stresses play a factor at this age of course - ageing or dying parents/challenging teens/financial strain etc - but broadly, we are all privileged people, not facing the serious problems that affect so many (poverty, war zones etc). And yet, no-one seems happy.

YES, people are going to say that menopause and perimenopause is the common denominator….but I know myself and these women, and another common denominator is this - the men who get to this age and seem to become difficult to live with.

There is so much grumpiness, irritability and unreasonable behaviour from the men. These are couples I know well - and while no-one is perfect, me and my friends are calm, straightforward and reasonable. We communicate like adults. Without fail, it’s us carrying the majority of the emotional load in our families - and often the domestic load too. Whereas the men seem to be having the midlife crises - if not affairs and sports cars, they’re behaving like petulant teenagers a lot of the time, questioning their life choices - ‘I hate my job and want to run away and live off grid’ kind of vibes. A lot of wanting to do things for themselves - hobbies/trips that take them away from home life. Flying off the handle over small things. Moodiness.

I get it - this age brings challenges. But it’s like a lot of these men hit 48 and suddenly thought ‘right, I’ve had enough of being nice’. People might argue that maybe women have their eyes truly opened as we enter menopause as all our tolerance/nurturing-causing hormones begin to decline, and we see the true side of our partners….

But from what I see, in my own relationship and others, it’s not us. It’s them.

I know so many women who are all saying the same things - anyone else? And do we think it gets better?!

I’ve been saying this for years! As someone a decade or so younger, the men I know through work and hobbies etc seem to remain to appear attractive and nice into their forties and then it’s like they fall off a cliff suddenly and overnight become grumpy, petulant old men. It must be some kind of male version of the menopause but of course they won’t have that.

I have also been saying this for years. An awful lot of men seem to degrade into being horrible. My own partner became inexplicably miserable - left me - then complained he was more miserable. Men who were our 90s heart throbs such as Brad Pitt are suddenly pariahs to their children… it’s definitely a thing.

I actually think the privilege is the issue. These men are basically wild animals, they should be out hunting gathering and fighting for survival. Living in a nice house with a family is just oppressive for them apparently. They need to be given something difficult and outdoors to do for most of the time. This is probably why a lot of men retreat to their sheds.

Yes I think is a thing too. Maybe hormonal but they won’t admit it. Many men want to dump their families and run off with a younger woman and any younger woman will do. Others buy a motorbike or spend ridiculous amounts of time on hobbies. Either way, they stop putting any effort into their families.

Yes, it’s definitely an issue.

Many of us get to this point and decide we would rather be single than deal with these man children

From my observation late 40’s/ early 50’s seems to be the natural age that people in longstanding marriages focus on themselves more and the marriage less. The marriages that “make it through” seem to adapt to massive behavioural change on behalf of the man, as a generalisation.

One couple I know in their early 60’s - they’ve got 3 kids, she stays at home and her house is impeccably clean. But he’s literally never at home because he’s always out working, morning noon and night. Maybe she’s also happy for him to be out of the way - it obviously works for them 🤷‍♀️

I was that man who worked for 25 years and put everyone else’s needs before mine, including my partners, got to my 50s and was almost told no you cannot do what you want because we are going to do this or the other, or something else that I didn’t actually want to do - or go this place or that place not because you actually want to but because we said we would to be polite.
sod that- unhappy relationship over - new life chapter beginning, new house , new relationship with no expectations either way- more men should do but too many just plod along being unhappy and grumpy as you have found out

My (previously lovely) husband became grumpy and snappy from about age 48. I did the obvious : checked on him, asked if he was okay, made changes to accommodate him, tried to make more time for him, and more time for us. I even found myself anticipating when he'd be home from work (which got later and later) and making sure the house was looking nice and removing reasons for him to be grumpy. I googled it and read that men have a kind of menopause too - a surge (or depletion?) of hormones that make them grumpy.

He was having an affair.

I guess I'll never know if the affair was a response to his feelings of unhappiness, or if his grumpiness and increasing distance were the result of the affair.

For four years he watched me hop about trying to make things better while he lied and cheated.

Fucking men. They can get in the bin. All of them.

I got carried away ranting and missed the op's actual question.

Does it get any better?

Yes. Everything is much better now. I can't pretend it hasn't been hard, but every night I go to my own bedroom and get into my own bed and feel relieved that he's gone. I wake up alone and happy.

I think a lot of women get to their mid/late 40s and realise they’ve married a chap who, from Day 1 of their relationship, opted out of pulling his weight in housework and shouldering his share of the emotional load.
And suddenly other stuff like the things you mention become more obvious too. Think the chaps’ behaviour in relationships like those you mention has generally always been there, but often it takes declining oestrogen for their partners to see it fully.

I’m a 48 year old man and I can definitely feel the temptation to be grumpy is creeping in…
Am doing all I can to fight it though 🤣

Men’s testosterone drops around that age. Lowered testosterone increases low mood, annciety and depression.
We understand the effects of lowering hormones on women. Men also have changes. Typically not as dramatic but enough to cause irritability and grumpiness. More needs to be done here. We need to be looking at male HRT

secondly many women may be calm, straight and reasonable to their friends. But they also can become detached, asexual and snappy with their partners.

you have acknowledged menopause and perimenopause but have sort of brushed that aside. I know I am far less connected a lot of he time. Not just theory my dh who is lovely. But also with my adult dc. I just honestly want to be left alone a lot of the time and I’m aware they haven’t done anything wrong it’s me change I’ve shifted.

Unless people are genuinely willing to look at the entire cocktail of changes and how that impacts both men and women, there was always going to be this his fault/her fault Default blame game. Doesn’t serve anyone

Middle age is pretty well known for being a difficult time emotionally, for men and women.

A lot of self-reflection, adjustment to loss of youth, realising work is not a route to fulfillment, changes in relationships, increased loneliness, empty nest syndrome, ageing parents, bereavements etc.

If couples can communicate and understand each other it can be navigated supportively, if they just call each other names ('hormonal' for women, 'grumpy' for men) then it presumably stays crap or they break up or they just ride it out until the phase passes.

As a 48yr old man, this thread is like stumbling into a cautionary tale.
Must try to keep the selfish knobbery to a minimum.

secondly many women may be calm, straight and reasonable to their friends. But they also can become detached, asexual and snappy with their partners

This is usually in response to years of their own needs being ignored
Years of asking for men to do their fair share of housework and parenting,listen instead of dismissing, its a consequence

Please tell me you dumped his arse?!

I’m mid 50’s and ‘DH’ mid 60’s. I think it’s easy to say I’ve changed, and it’s menopause, but I’d disagree. I think he’s got lazier and, now the kids are adults, I don’t want to tolerate what I’ve put up with in the past.
Separate bedrooms have made sleep better, but I honestly want separate homes. I dont want to divorce, I just no longer want to share a home with him.

I know what my therapist would say… relationships are a co-creation.

I’m 57. If I think of the men I know who seem less happy, I’d say that most are missing their adult children horribly, have nasty health issues to deal with, are dealing with chaotic extremely elderly parents, are being royally shafted by siblings and are completely sick of work but can’t stop. I know at least one who hasn’t been able to stop drinking.

TBH this isn’t very different from the women I know.

The happier ones, without exception, have maintained a better network of friends. I’m hoping there is a better cultural expectation for younger men to carry on being with friends they like and not to assume their relationship is the only intimate connection they need.

My late husband died by his own hand at 52. He had a major chronic illness so wasn’t typical but it also seemed to me he simply ran out of ability to believe that things could be better.

Actually, he dumped me when it all came out in the wash. But I didn't beg him to stay, and I'm much happier without him.

You might be right, it is them. But they’ve just always been like that and it’s only when you get to menopausal age you start to notice it more/tolerate less crap.

I agree with you OP, men seem to have a daft decade. They hit their 50s and suddenly realise they aren't ever going to be a billionaire sports champion with a supermodel girlfriend, and they fall into a decade of gloom.
My ex came into a lot of money through a share scheme before we got together - multi-7 figures so he "retired" in his 40s, didn't invest wisely, spent it all by the time he was 60 and then seriously expected me to keep him - I was working full time, primary aged child, mortgage, childcare bills etc.
He was outraged when I suggested he went back to working full time - like I was. Then he stomped off in a huff. 🙄
As a woman, being single while they are at that stage seems to be the best thing. Date if they are in a good mood but achieve some distance when they are in a self-pitying frame of mind. Also important to be financially separated when they decide to buy a Jaguar on a credit card.

Abso-bloody-lutley!!!
I can relate to this!
husband 48 and I would say Last 1-2 years in particular has become really difficult to be around because grumpy.
Even kids say, daddy’s being grumpy!
He used to be thoughtful and that’s the thing that’s now missing. He just seems to want his own space to do his own thing on a eat, gym, sleep, repeat.
He snaps so quickly when things disrupt what he wants to do and the slightest thing can tip him. Often it’s ‘I’m just hungry, just tired, need to do some exercise’.
The only brief time he is pleasant to be around is the sweet spot after sleep, food, exercise (it’s a bit like a baby’s routine and making sure they are not over tired for a nap).

We used to watch TV together, but it seems he is intolerant to anything that isn’t exactly what he wants to watch so sits in the other room now because ‘can’t watch this rubbish’.

This is not what I expected in my 40’s. Admittedly we are under more financial strain than I expected too, I thought things would be comfortable.
I do not remember my own father being like this. I feel sad for my kids they have a grumpy dad. But outwardly to others, they wouldn’t see it. He puts his best side forwards when out. Though is much less sociable than before and prefers to grump at home.

Yes I think this is true. Also the women have stopped being motivated to compromise as a path to what they were looking for (a family life etc) and find the huge compromises they have been making up to that point suddenly unbearable.

My DH is still fine but it’s been a mix among friends.

When it comes to relationship breakdown I think it’s been a mix of poor behaviour and I’m one who tends to naturally side with women. But too many of these people got together that have nothing in common really except an idea that life is get a house, have kids, have holidays. No shared interests. We are buying electric bikes, the guy who is the bike mechanic had a chat with us not just the sales guys. He was off on holidays soon to Holland, I said what a great cycling place, so flat. He said his wife doesn’t cycle at all and hates it. Now when young and the sap is rising that gets overlooked. But as you age and want to do things you enjoy it becomes an issue. Especially when little kids are not taking up all your time anymore. We love to hike, play video games, chat current affairs and cycle, we also both played hockey till we were in our late twenties. Many crossover interests.

I’m sorry to hear about your husband. Something similar happened in my family too when I was young.

now I’m in my mid forties and DH is in mid fifties I do think being absolutely done with work but having absolutely no option to stop (we have still youngish children and a decent mortgage to pay down) is a large part of this. My father was able to retire around the age my DH is now - and to me as a v young adult woman at that time, my dad did seem more than ready for that. But it’s just not even a consideration for us.