The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Sounds like just what I need!!

So after telling me literally days ago he’s not up for a relationship… I put in an offer on the house Mr Charismatic accompanied me to view yesterday. And I also sold my own house this evening. He called me straight way to say congrats on the sale (he has pretty much never called me to chat until now, just texts very sporadically.) And offered to go back with me to view the one I want to buy, and also suggested we go for a run together in the park near it to check it out.

Honestly it’s like the more they say they’re not up for a relationship, the more they do the exact opposite.

And it’s so bloody rare isn’t it!

I’ve had one of them - 2 in fact. I’m sorry to say neither worked out though in different ways.

It’s difficult as I want to say ‘noooo, stop, you’re going to get hurt!’ But I love the idea it could work - and for me I end up following my heart as I can’t find a different way - each relationship seems to have such differences as well that it never aligns in my head until after it’s all dead, buried, resurrected and ultimately gone down in flames ha - definitely wish to avoid this!

Really hope it goes ok for you here.

Well done for cutting losses - it’s hard and disappointing too.

Mr Expressive sounds exciting - keep us updated!

May be a good approach - the less expectations in my head going into a date the better it always seems to be.

Hope it’s good though.

This is classic behaviour really. He thinks you’ve reassured him that you’re not going to ask for pesky commitment, so he feels safe to double down without any risk. Big question is whether he is as available when things are bad and you need him, compared to now when he can support you on jolly things. I think you should consider what you really want, and if it is someone who chooses you and is prepared to make the commitment to do so, then you might need to step away. I’m a bit unclear between Charismatic and Nomad whether you want the commitment yourself though as you seem to be pretty happy with the non-committal nature?

@Chocolatefreak tell us more about Mr Expressive?

@BoxOfCats believe his words in this case xxx

@BoxOfCatsI agree with @Nosdacariadabout Mr Charismatic - however, it may also be that he’s finding himself attracted to your self-sufficiency and independence? Buying a house etc…

Mr Expressive lives a 10 min drive away, is exactly my age and looks v fit. His exchanges so far have been thoughtful and shown an awareness of conversational conventions 😂 - so many men I’ve encountered online don’t make the effort to ask questions. So far so good- there’s probably a massive drawback I haven’t noticed yet though!

Clone Mr Expressive immediately!

Q: would you knowingly date someone out of a relationship a month ago?

How long term was the relationship? If he's just ended a 20 year marriage I'd say give it a good 6 months at least, but if the relationship was short term I'd be more open.

My Expressive sounds pretty damn perfect to me! Have you met him yet?.Or fixed a date?

I wouldn't rule it out, if other things about him seemed good. Especially if it was a shortish relationship.

To be fair, at least he has been honest about how recently he broke up with someone - a lot of people seem to lie about this, in my experience.

I've gone back up from one live iron to three today:

Mr Stockholm ressurected himself after a couple of days silence. Not sure how I feel about that, but we do still technically have a date fixed for Thursday - maybe I should go?

I have a new one I will call Mr Electric. The chat isn't exactly flowing so far, but I do really like his pictures! I am going to see if he is open to meeting quite soon - I am wary of anyone who just wants to chat and won't even discuss the possibility of meeting up.

And my lovely Mr Radiators is still messaging lots, and we are still due to meet Saturday, fingers crossed. He is definitely still my favourite!

More short term as I understand it 🙂

Loving all this hope and positivity, I wonder if the sunshine has helped us all out of our little slump.

Im heading into date 5 with Mr Kardashian this weekend. Lots of big chats and before discussing with each other, we’d both paused tinder…we shall see…

It’s funny you say that, because I did indeed download the book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl to my kindle app last night. I got a few pages in,and it was telling me that the only reason I would put up with these men and their emotional unavailability is because I am also emotionally unavailable!

Which is good food for thought really, and something I shall ponder further.

At the moment I would prefer to find a genuine relationship. I just can’t seem to find anyone I feel chemistry with who is willing to do so. But I’m wondering if I only feel chemistry when they don’t come on too strong…!

I know you are right 😩

That’s exciting! What have you got planned?

Same here.

@IlovelurchersHope your meet this Saturday goes well!

@BoxOfCats @Kaltenzahn three months long so I shan't worry and she's not local. I tend to be wary and I don't want to be in any getting back together drama.

Eta localish pub for dinner.

@BoxOfCats I think if you keep reading you may find the unavailability is the CAUSE of the chemistry xxx

That’s not long at all, barely a relationship. I don’t think it would bother me too much. But understand the wariness.

No I wouldn’t. Mr Biker had a four month relationship which seemed very intense but ended a year ago, and he was still completely hung up on her and not ready at all to date (even though he said he was)

That being said I suppose it depends on the person and how good their boundaries are and whether the relationship had any impact given the short time they were together.

@Nosdacariad with a three month relationship it wouldn't phase me, many people aren't even exclusive after 3 months of dating nowadays!

If he seems like he's not over the relationship or brings it up a lot that would be a big red flag. It would be a pretty intense response after such a short amount of time and I'd be concerned.

Mr Tree advice required.

So met Friday and Sunday again this week - really good dates. On Sunday he asked if I’d like to go to a local quiz tonight with him.

Text today - it’s cold, he’s been in all day, he may go to the quiz, or not, and if I’d like to then of course I can do. Usually, it’s ’looking Forward to seeing you’ - ‘be good to see you’ etc. So I’ve taken that as a Luke warm invite tbh that I turned down.

Equivalent happened last week after the same great Friday/Sunday dates.

I just feel the midweek gets awkward - but it’s naybe weird to comment after just 4 meetings. We text regularly, once or twice a day, but more about current affairs and similar than personal stuff - so maybe it’s ok to mention this awkward textual tennis midweek - maybe it’s weird though if he’s just being as straightforward as he feels.

What would folk do in this situation- it’s so annoyingly hard when dates are great - and if it’s not for him that’s equally ok but when I turned down an invite to his garden last week he followed up with actual plans and looking forward to seeing me. It’s odd it’s midweek each time - no he hasn’t got another woman there though.