The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

The only grown adult I’ve had to insist showers is my DS, and I just tell him he needs a shower. It doesn’t happen often. It is my job to train him for the benefit of other women though (especially as he has a lovely long term GF and needs to keep her).
I would get a massive ick if I had to tell someone I was dating to improve their hygiene.
But I do think it’s different when it’s morning sex when you’re both unclean and you know it. Or equally sweaty afternoon sex on holiday. That’s worth it and doesn’t bother me. But general bad hygiene is not good.

I don’t think I could be doing with poor hygiene. I always shower before a date or bed if there’s a chance of intimacy…they should too.

Mr Kardashian and I are going on date 4 tomorrow. I’m still enjoying getting to know him. He’s not dated much before his marriage broke down and I’m the first post marriage. He’s very keen and making a lot of effort. Fingers crossed I don’t eat him alive!

Never mind eating him alive, get on and clone him!

I may have a lunch date on Tuesday..will keep you all posted!

Hi everyone, thanks for the new thread @Nosdacariad x

Tell all!

Hi, can I join please? I've caught this thread in Active a few times and dipped in and always thought how lovely, inclusive and non-judhemental it feels.

Newly single - again - after a year on my own I reconnected with my ex - love of my life I could write book about, but now's not the time - and it went well for a few months, but he's now made it clear he isn't looking for anything serious or even exclusive with me, ever....

And I really DO feel ready for a proper relationship now - I've done the therapy, spent some time getting to know myself ....

So have made the inexplicable decision to destroy all that hard-earned peace, by throwing myself into the apps!

I matched with shed-loads of men in my first two days of swiping, as I am an optimistic swiper - but loads never even replied to my first message (it's Bumble). Several others made it clear they are looking for immediate hook-ups without the inconvenience of a date.

So it's whittled down to just three: Mr Stockholm; Mr Radiators; and Mr Lincolnshire.

Have dates fixed with Stockholm and Radiators, but I'm seriously questioning whether Stockholm is worth it, as the chat feels quite stilted - what would your advice be, ladies? If the man seems nice, no red flags etc, do you go on a date even if the chat isn't really flowing?

Radiators on the other hand is excellent fun to chat to - in fact, I am starting to get that little spark of excitement when you pick up your phones and realise the message is from them..... I need to be careful, I think, and mindful of the fact we haven't even met yet....

Following. Separated from my ex-husband in August, been together 20 years and he was the only man I’d ever been in a relationship. I’m not actually dating yet as I’m waiting for ex to move out in a few weeks but following along for tips, it’s a really useful thread.
What apps are best for new to OlD? Or any tips for out in wild?

@Ilovelurchers how stilted are we talking? And how long have you been messaging?

You can't get a proper read on someone over messages and a lot of people are better in person. If there are no red flags I'd lean towards giving him a chance seeing as you're already booked in. Plus you want to avoid putting all your eggs in a Radiator shaped basket at such an early stage!

I know nothing about nothing...but it depends on whether you have plenty of spare time and the date is in a convenient place?

Welcome! Read the opening post for tips.

I'm not really sure one app is better than another...

Welcome!

The apps depend on what you're looking for (long term/casual or anything in between) and age is a big factor as well!

In terms of "out in the wild" what do you enjoy doing? Park run? Hiking group? Only works if you actually enjoy the activity though! Volunteering is great for a slightly older market, I do quite a bit of volunteering outdoors and I'm surrounded by lovely single men. Unfortunately they're mainly retired and I'm still quite a way off that.

I like walking, I got into running (short distances) but have stopped. I think I just need to get out there and actually open my eyes. I tend to look at the ground when out and about. I’m early 40’s and not really sure what I’m looking for at this point, mainly to find what I like I think. Ex was not my type when we got together, we had a few good years but a lot of not good ones where I have changed myself and accepted a lot of things I normally wouldn’t. I want to just meet people, chat, date and figure out what I like in men. If it leads to something great, if not then also great.

It's not too bad - just feel like we don't have that much to talk about, so I am having to try to think of things to ask to keep it going. I suppose it feels a bit effortful.

I am definitely more aware of this because the chat with Radiators flows so well.... And I think we have a similar sense of humour too, so it's more enjoyable. We have also gone quite deep a few times, and that's felt nice and natural. But I am aware I have only been chatting to him a few days, and not even met him yet, so I need to guard against imagining more of a connection than their really is.....

Plus it doesn't help that I don't actually enjoy first dates anyway - they scare me, frankly - so I am always looking for an excuse to get out of them! But if I want to find a relationship, they are kind of a necessity.....

He has very sweetly offered to come to a pub very close to where I live, and I do have the time. So I could just look at it as an opportunity to get out of the house and socialise, even if I don't expect much to come of it. (My dad passed at the start of this year and I have struggled to socialise much since - I definitely need to get out more!)

I think they are all much of a muchness in terms of the type of guys you meet - friends who have used them all say the same too....

So maybe try a couple and pick the one where you most like the interface? There are slight differences as to how the profiles are structured. And Bumble has the thing where women message first.....

In the wild is tricky - at least it has proved so for me - in a whole year of being single and not on the apps, I had one single date, with a guy I got talking to in a pub.... Though I don't do any hobby groups - that probably makes it easier.

Sorry about your Dad x

Thank you. It was the hardest thing I've faced so far. And knocked me for six romantically speaking, as my ex was just trying to be a decent person and support me, but in my state of distress I massively misread him (my fault)) and thought there could be something more.....

But on the plus side at least that showed me that I DO, in fact, feel ready for emotional commitment again. I had an FWB prior to that and had believed that was enough for me, but it's definitely not - I want to find a real connection.

Ah I’m so sorry about your Dad, it’s a difficult road.

And don’t worry about misreading your ex - I think we misread at the best of times, and yours was not that.

Hopefully, you’ll find a good guy that’s right for you - and the frogs in between won’t be too bad ha! This thread helps with the good, bad and ugly of OLD and dating in general too.

Welcome to the newbies! This is a lovely place to be :)

Ive just had a lovely scroll through, some great and promising updates which were fantastic to read 🌞

Regarding the shower thing.....im a total clean freak in all aspects of my life, but i have asked DP to shower or wash his bits before sex (so now I am like am i the odd one out here?! 😂) he shower daily every morning anyways, but i do love his natural "smell" must be the pheromones there is a science with that you know ladies....

Sex here can be very spontaneous so I dont see how you could then say "would you mind....." in the middle of a passionate session.....the gardening example is a funny one as he cleaned all the decking on friday then painted it all, worked up quite a sweat of course, when he was done I was just like ",oh my god what a man" 😂🙈 and had to have him there and then lol it never crossed my mind about him not being "clean"

So its mad to me as I am mrs handgel in all aspects of my life 😂

Showering regulary though yes thats super important

Enjoy the sun all! 🌞

I'm like you with the spontaneity.

I'll confess, MrX had a shower over the bath, and I (stupidly) used to wonder why it was dusty. I came to realise that he could go two weeks without showering when left to his own devices..

Re. The showering issue, I had a weird thing with my ex whereby his sweat never smelt bad to me - it was very strange - even if he had been driving for hours on a hot day, I could still quite happily jump his bones and for some reason he actually smelt good to me.... I read that there is a pheromone thing, whereby with certain men we actually find how they smell (even when sweaty) pleasing, for some evolutionarily biological reason.....

But it certainly doesn't indicate the level of overall compatibility I liked to think it did!

In most cases, I guess everyone gets sweaty when gardening and so forth - I certainly sweat more myself since menopause - so it's just a case of light-hearted reminders -"I'd love to jump your bones right now so get into that shower straight away and don't keep me waiting?'. Most men would take the hint, fingers crossed.....

I'm literally DYING...I just saw a profile where the first pic was a cctv image of the guy 😅

I don't mind the sweat. I'm, sadly, not refering to sweat smells 🙀

Yeah I got what you meant, I was talking more about the posters who said they ask or want their partners to wash right before sex xx

Surely uf he smells down there it is a hygiene thing then, as in not washing enough, not that hes been sweaty and active. Very awkward but if its not something you are comfortable bringing up, then maybe hes not right guy for you. Are you at banter level yet or do you have any banter at all? If I needed to tell DP to wash (not that I do) before sex id proper rib him for it and make it funny, or id just have a genuine concerned conversation. Either works x