The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@SortingItOut Thanks for the recommendation, just ordered it on Amazon. I’ve done a lot of work on myself after my last relationship to understand what happened, but if it helps to avoid a car crash in the future its all useful.
@BoxOfCats I’ll probably come out as emotionally unavailable too, and I know I’m super independent. But with the men on the market being a bit guarded is absolutely necessary!
@MsJinks I think you were right to turn down a low effort invite. See if he comes back with firm plans. If the dates are good I’d keep going a bit longer and see how it develops.

3 months can or can’t be long enough to cause drama/issues. I think you’ll twig soon enough.

I heard a lot about an ex from my previous mr dick after 2 years out - and I was still hearing quite a lot about her 10 years on ha! My stupid not him.

No idea when Mr Tree split with last ex, maybe a year or so, and wife 8 years but I’ve heard nothing about them bar occasions when an event directly involved them - then it’s just ‘ex’ - that bit feels fine lol.

It’s just when you’re ready - I’ve had 6 month pretty passive relationships that barely phased me at all and a few dates that stuck a while and dating wasn’t right or good - it’s all really odd - but I hope it’s a nice date at the least and has legs if you want it to as well.

Yup. Mr Ex said two years. It was TWO WEEKS

Thank you for the new thread! Mr Soughdough and I are at about three months in and we are still having one sleepover date a week. He meets some of my friends next week, and I hope he will reciprocate sooner rather than later. If I ask for something he listens and adjusts. He is very calm and laid back, but also attentive. The whole experience is new for me, but I am trusting in it, for now...

Mr Charismatic sounds like such a nice guy, it's a shame he isn't ready for me. Mr Starship, I do hope your planets are aligned! Yes, I hear you on Mr Nomad, the men who act like they are in a relationship but it is not defined, time to put a name to that, whilst enjoying your long weekend with him. Keep us posted!

@MsJinks I need to know how Mr Dick got his name 😅

@rubberduck68 HOW is it three months with Mr Soughdough?!

He might be a bit avoidant, as in he goes full throttle for a bit and then pulls back. I'd not go to the quiz night based on that wishy washy rubbish half follow up invite. I would not message again until he does. You have had enough dates to get some measure of what he is like, what do you think is going on here?

I want to know that too!!!

I have no idea how it is three months with him, it has blown by (think it's actually next week officially, but near enough) although as you know, not all plain sailing to get to this quieter place with it all.

@MsJinks is it just lack of energy? That might explain the midweek thing.

@BoxOfCats I’ve been on the emotionally unavailable journey and had to do a fair amount of self work /reflection to accept I was part of the problem😅. I think when I was going after these men I just realistically wasn’t ready for a proper relationship again yet though. I don’t think you’ll open yourself up to someone emotionally ready until you close the door with someone who isn’t though.

That's a strange one - I guess it partly depends on how important the mid-week/between-dates comms are to you....

I'm a massive over-texter and keeping in touch like that is important to me, so I would be wary of getting involved with a guy who showed so early that he can be cold and distant over text....

BUT, equally I have friends who are happy to rarely hear from the people they are dating between meet ups... Definitely how he is in person is the most important thing, by miles....

But will the sketchiness over text annoy you as the relationship progresses? Because it may very well just be who he is.....

You could take a risk and raise it, I suppose? If you felt comfortable doing so. I remember speaking to my former life coach about an issue like this I was having with an ex - he suggested that, if you raise a problem like this, most blokes will try to correct it - and if they don't, that probably implies they aren't that bothered, so are not the one for you anyway

@rubberduck68 hope you’ve managed to have deeper relationship chats with Mr S now he is back!

So Mr Tree did text back - he stayed in. He said to let him know when I’m around and he’ll set something up - it would be good to see me.

And I honestly don’t really know what that means - ffs - he’s pretty into it on/around dates but then shifts like this. I mean I got him chasing last week - not on purpose exactly but obviously this time he doesn’t want to do that - but why that is, well it’s hard to know isn’t it - ugh.

@Nosdacariad - so he’s really into it all on dates - he’s done stuff like buy my coffee in and show me things he likes at his house - gave me impression that yes he had interest. Then a vibe shift - whilst not discussed, none of my business I’ve picked up he has a lot of structures to maintain his MH - passing comments re his life would have me on the floor - but like I say not discussed with me.

So I dunno what’s next ha!

Thanks - the texts are regular and good - until it gets near a potential mid week date - then they go over a cliff and get all awkward. It just seems a bit intense to call it after 4 dates but equally I want to know.
AI said to raise stakes not the issue lol - as in - well I’m busy this week but maybe next.

Urgh I’m having a terrible time

Oh no - what’s up?

Sorry @AverageJoe1973 I do enjoy critiquing profiles but that link looks a bit dodgy! 😂Maybe someone else is braver than me.

What happened @bellalou1234 ? Hope you're alright!

Hi @bellalou1234 we can't help if you don't tell us.

@AverageJoe1973 just copy paste the text.

Anyone else ponder the irony that most of Mumsnet is trying to get out of relationships and we're trying to get in?

@MsJinks in the absence of @OneShyQuail 's sage advice...ask him once. If you're invested enough. Then decide if you're happy to invest further time. Please don't tie yourself up in knots trying to understand something he probably doesn't understand himself xxx

Haha - yes the irony of it! I’d not thought of that lol.

I and Mr Tree randomly used to work in a similar office - I realised his text read so much like many I sent/saw booking appointments ha. So going to answer Mr Tree and lightly respond the same but make it clear I am wanting to see him - then I’ll see - again sigh. If I see him I may have to mention it though - if I don’t I’ll have learned that the first hint of lukewarm and I’m out.

It’s depressing I caught the chemistry bug again - age isn’t stopping that - maybe I’ll read some LTB threads ha!

@BoxOfCats I do agree with @Nosdacariad that looking at your own patterns may be helpful here. And I mean it with the best of intentions (because haven't we all been there!) - you say you want a relationship but, at the same time, you allow men to dip in and out of non-committal setups with you. And that says something.
And I have spent decades being this woman who agreed to scraps while convincing myself that it is really OK to have casual situationships, that it's just a bit of innocent fun and great sex and doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It was only when I started telling them "if you don't want a relationship, then I am not available to you" and sticking to it, that things shifted for me.

Mr. Charismatic is acting all relaxed and lovey because you removed any pressure. My ex was a classic avoidant and the best relationship we've ever had was when we broke up but were still living together. Once the pressure of a relationship was gone, he was the most attentive and supportive person in the world. That's how they operate so no surprises here.

You don't have to accept it if that's not what you are looking for.

Appreciate your message. Rationally I know that you are 100% right. Doing something about it somehow seems harder. I am self aware enough to know that it’s probably driven by a fear of being alone. And rationally I know that being alone is actually absolutely fine. I think I m working up to being able to address it, it’s just been a very long emotional journey over the last year or so.

In other news, I made a terrible life decision today and bought a house 2 mins away from Mr Charismatic 🤦‍♀️

Yes, I do know that you are right.
Mr Nomad is here tomorrow until Sunday. I think it’s time to have a proper chat with him about whether we are in a relationship or not. I think not, in which case maybe it’s time to go our separate ways.

Catching up now 😂
Great advice @Nosdacariad 💪👌😎
@MsJinks if you are feeling unnerved or uncomfortable its usually your gut telling you something, but its highly likely the guy has no idea what hes doing as texts can easily be misinterpreted...if he was in fromt of your face being cold or off then different story. If you like him, perhaps give him another date and see. Is it something you could talk to him about? I feel its importsnt to be comfortable early on, its a great indicator of a fulfilling relationship.
Barely a month and a half in the convos I was having with my DP were crazy deep, because there were things he needed to know about me and my past, and he wanted to help me with them. It was so easy to talk to him I never gave it a second thought but looking back now id never has such deep and meaningful convos so early before in a relationship.

Men aren't mind readers. Yes if they are interested they will chase, but once more established they wont know what you need, your communication style is, how often you like to text etc. Its good to feel like these convos can be had. And if they cant or they dont like what you say or cant give you what you need then they aren't your person x

I dont wannt click the link but happy to help otherwise 👌