The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

It's very relationship-adjacent though x

Sounds like a relation to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mr Young is unmatched now.

Mr Blondie is hard to read tbh and the messages aren’t really flowing. But I appreciate he’s just home from working away and no doubt living life outside of Tinder!

Is anyone around for some quick advice?

I matched with a guy a few days ago - let's call him Mr Guitar - messages interesting but slow (one a day at most). So had kind of assumed he wasn't interested, even though there is a fair amount of compatability between us on paper.

In his last message he was telling me about where he lives (a rural idyll from the sounds of it!) and commented on the fact that it's quite far from me. (It's about 25 miles I think). I asked him if he felt that was too far to bother pursuing anything, as I strongly felt that was what he was implying.

He replied tonight to say it was "on the cusp" but that he "wouldn't rule out pursuing something." And to be honest this leaves me a bit cold. Where is the enthusiasm, the eagerness to at least meet each other and see if there are sparks? The way he phrased it has made me feel like I am not quite meeting the person spec in a job interview ....

But, is this unfair? Is he just being pragmatic, as one should be in dating?

Basically, my question is, would a message as lukewarm as that put you off? (And I don't really know why I am overthinking this so much - perhaps because I was quite keen when I first matched with him, so have been disappointed by the lack of enthusiasm he has been showing).

Any thoughts on this would be really welcome!

Ilovelurchers Yes, that would put me off. Solely going from my own limited experience here, but whenever a man has been like that about our location, he's always then stopped chatting/disappeared/decided actually that it's too far after all.

I may be wrong in your case, but in my case, it's an unmatch.

Its a tough one.
We all want to feel special and romantise that distance doesn't matter etc snd certainly in those early days you want the butterfly's and feeling swept off your feet.

The practical pragmatic side is that obstacles need to be factored in to not waste anyone's time. For some people this is navigating around children, or work patterns, or love languages or distances.

I am quite savage (well I was!) when it came to dating, in that if I couldnt get a date booked in within a week, id move on. Life is very busy, we all know that, so if you cant get to see someone on a weekly basis ay the beginning to me its highly unlikely to turn into something.

It could be that he is thinking the distance is too far because of reasons like this. But then he should narrow his search results!

Agree it puts a dampener on things and puts you on the back foot rather than being excited to chat. And its not nice to have the connotation that the distance might be ok if you are worth it type of thing.

Bin this one off! Even if he thinks it’s “on the cusp”, if he wants to pursue things then he should pursue! Mediocre enthusiasm or none at all, throw them back.

This is why I unmatched a few this week. Conversation had fizzled, no real spark, left me feeling cold.

Im the kind of person who wants to be pursued. I want to feel that someone desires me. I’ve had some men who have lived 50/60 miles away who have said the distance wasn’t an issue and they “wouldn’t mind doing g the driving” etc. in the end that distance was too far for me plus some other factors.

Im not saying he should chase you but jeez he needs to show some enthusiasm at least! This is meant to be his A-game…..can you imagine this months down the line if this is his highest effort? Hot or not, get rid. You’re worth way more!! 🤩🫶🏻

What a feeble wotsit! He's in or he's out!

This looks better than it sounds! Plus we are also forecast very humid weather in my part of the UK....

So, it's a long button fronted dress, cap sleeves that drop a bit off the shoulder, kitten heels and a colourful bag.

My description doesn't do it justice unfortunately!

Thanks all! I agree - this has really put me off.

I am starting to realise that I like to feek at least a little pursued - not in a bad way - but that the guy feels he is fortunate to have matched with me and have my attention, to some extent?

Feeling like the guy is slightly grudging the time he is giving - it's just not sexy, quite frankly!

So it's time to say goodbye to this one, I think!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your thoughts - it really does help!

Oh it would 100% put me off! You say you want romance and enthusiasm - he wants efficiency. It’s like a German and Italian trying to date!

This is so lukewarm. He seems one of these people that wants to convince themselves they’re looking for a relationship but actually dismisses everyone very early on

Definitely would put me off - a bit of enthusiasm is needed for sure.

If I wasn’t sure due to distance and had been asked then I’d be either not saying so to get a chance of a meet or if it was ‘on a cusp’ I’d probably say ‘actually yes it is too far so we’d best leave it here’. Clarity is the best!

Sounds Morr as if he wants you available in case he can muster up need or enthusiasm or just as an ego stroking pen pal.

Next! You deserve better!

Not at all, sounds very cute and romantic!

Sounds lovely to me! I have quite a few dresses I love that I have only worn occasionally - the chance to wear one of them on a date would be a thing to look forward to in an of itself!

Further to my last post, I've told Guitar that i think it's best we leave things here, as he already has reservations. Feel good about that decision as it feels like I am setting my standards high as to how I would like any potential date to make me feel! So again, thank you all.

And Mr Beach (who has sent several nice messages over the last few days) just now sent a nice message expressing that he is looking forward to our date next week, which has reassured me that there are still fellas out there capable of acting like a date is a bit of an exciting thing and a privilege!

Hi everyone and thanks to those who offered their thoughts about 3 pages back. I have looked at some local counselling / therapist services, I am thinking of how to approach them for help other than saying to them " I cant get a date "

@Ilovelurchers , its a shame he wasnt willing to put any effort in as 25 miles isnt that far if youd met halfway. I would easily drive that. He must have had a nice photo or else you wouldnt have wanted to meet him im guessing?

Ive had no matches on the apps the past 2 weeks. Id love to put a good shirt on this weekend and go on a nice dinner date. Its my own fault as i cancelled on that last date due to fear and insecurity.

What type of build and height makes you swipe left?

@SaraOnSaturdaysounds lovely. Make sure you wear your best undies. For you not for him. X

been chatting to mr holiday horns since 11th May. No date conversion but chat is good. But thinking late night when he’s bored??

Agree with everyone else and well done for exiting the conversation. Mr Beach sounds much more promising!

You can approach a counsellor for any reason - but maybe say more about concerns re low self esteem/anxiety/difficulties relating to others then discuss specifics when there.

I have suggested it here way back but I’ve started using Gemini, AI for random stuff - there’s also ChatGPT and Claude - probably others. If you tell them your issue they assist - from drafting an email to partner arguments to what to wear - it’s not infallible and it’s a bit of a cheerleader as it gets to know you but it can be helpful - and is free.

For goodness sake though please, please be aware of toxic offers to support guys on the ‘net - these would also make it harder to get a date in the end - women despise this type of masculinity that is sold on some places.

You are still worrying about photos on sites, height, weight etc. Everyone will say something different- re photos there’s usually more of a consensus of what you don’t click on - you’ll find some examples on these threads - holding a huge fish, pics with apparently ex partners but face scrubbed out, bare chested, group pics so who is it etc etc - otherwise a nice smile, looking happy enough (not manic!) is what I look for I think - at least I swipe left at angry/miserable looking photos.

Height/weight is personal too - what is annoying is if it’s a fib - there’s an awful lot of rounding up height - an inch ok but 5 not so much when you meet them - same with rounding weight down. Personally, I do like guys to be taller but I’m only 5’5 so it’s not so hard, just annoying to find my 6ft date was 5’4 I guess lol - honesty all the way.

Attracted to is so individual- nowadays as long as I’m not unattracted to then I’ll give it a shot as 3D and real life is so different anyway so you don’t know how they’ll really appear nor how you’ll feel. This time around Fortunately, both dates looked like their photos - in the past I’ve met massively different appearing guys and it’s not only disconcerting you feel like they lied from the get go so don’t want to bother. I used to like to put on an ok pic but not over flattering so they had a slightly better start - nowadays that is more difficult lol but I definitely never want to see a nasty shock in their eyes haha - so I try to be as realistic with pics as possible and whilst not everyone could or has been attracted to me on the date at least I haven’t sold them a complete dud.

Honesty all the way and don’t keep over analysing so much.

That’s really good - it’s great to have boundaries and feel we are acting in them too - empowering.

Mr Beach sounds a much better prospect so keep us updated!

Mr Holiday Horns! This is inventive and has me wondering lol.

The timing - maybe when he’s finished daily life and is winding down rather than when he’s bored I’d say potentially? I used to do early doors or later checks around the main bit of my day - but sometimes checked when I sat down from life - last time though only messaging back at one point in the day as otherwise for me it could get too much - that is obviously personal but others could be similar perhaps.

I think maybe the content of the messages may be more telling - how do you find those?

Has anyone ever been on a date with someone who completely misrepresented themselves? I’m still processing my date with Noodles last week and it’s made me feel really unsettled.

I’d actually been excited to go on this date, as in the messages he’d seemed really lovely and intelligent, genuinely interested in me and we had loads in common. He also said he had quite an impressive and interesting job.

However things on the date were definitely off. Firstly he followed me the whole 10 minute walk from the station to the pub without messaging to say ‘I think I’m behind you’ even though he later admitted he spotted me right away at the station.

He was quite intense on the date asking straight away what I was looking for when I’d barely sat down. As he had a few drinks, a few details slipped out that didn’t fit the timeline of what he’d previously told me at all and he said some things completely contradicted what he’d previously said. His family history consisted of a series of tragic events.

He talked about his job and overshared which would have probably been a sackable offence if that was his real job (think sharing confidential information). Prior to the date I said I prefer not to message too much once a date is agreed and he’d said he was the same (despite messaging a lot prior to that) but on the date referred to this a couple of times like I was unreasonable. When I talked about one of our shared hobbies and asked questions he got defensive.

I now realise that the lovely man who seemed a good match for me doesn’t exist. The questions and interest in me was information harvesting, the shared hobbies were mirroring and the chats were full of outright lies. I have blocked and reported but feel a bit sick to have been taken in like this.

I often message people at 11pm or later, not out of boredom but because it’s sometimes the first chance I get. Before that it’s work/ making dinner / clearing up / sorting out kids and I prefer to message when I have a clear window rather than grabbing moments here and there.

I suppose it what else is going on in his life - busy job, family commitments, etc.

I’m also intrigued by the name!

Ah Polly - this is not you - it is that revolting person deliberately going all out to take you in. Big well done for surviving the date, binning him, reporting him - you’ve done all the best things you could now for you and others - amazing.

A daughter had one of these from the wild but didn’t recognise till a bit later - they definitely walk amongst us.

Following you from the station is downright creepy - the intensity is scary - the lies are just a part of reeling you in - the negativity and nearly telling you off on date 1 - wow.

I would say you had a lucky escape - but no you escaped by recognising all these cues, and acting upon them - that’s good self protection.

I think to an extent there are always things we find out that aren’t always apparent on first meeting - so not quite getting the guy we initially thought (not necessarily in a bad way) but this was out there - BUT none of it is about being ‘taken in’ - it’s about being a normal human being accepting who we see in front of us and trusting (in a general way) that they’re telling the truth - what would be the point otherwise of even chatting?

I know folk who never trust/believe anything said but I can’t set off like that - I mean I don’t take my life savings to dates but I give them a fair chance. You may feel differently at the minute - you may have always felt slightly differently obviously as it’s individual- but hope you can find your baseline moving forwards.

It’s really crap folk behave like this - but I’ll reiterate how well you have handled this - have confidence in yourself that you can recognise the nutters and horrors - though I really hope you don’t meet another.

Be kind to yourself.