The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Hello Elle, lovely to hear from you again!

Haha yes I certainly have wondered if I’m attracted to men. I definitely am though. I find the two guys I’m seeing casually quite attractive. However they’re literally the only two guys in 18 months who I’ve found any kind of genuine chemistry with.

Sounds like it’s been quiet on the dating front for you. Do you think you even want to meet someone at the moment?

@Nosdacariad I understand the feeling of waiting for it to go pear shaped. I’ve literally only ever made it past 3 dates, with 3 people ever! One was my ex.

@IlovelurchersIt’s so hard, isn’t it? Sometimes I wonder if I am actually craving a relationship, or just the sparks flying.

Oops I appear to have doubled up on names here! My Mr Beach has not messaged in 24 hours so I suspect has dropped out of the running. I am also in New Zealand, so it’s unlikely he is the same guy. Would be funny if it was!

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t just attracted to men - but I have to accept that failure of nature lol

So at 60, the attractive is different- for me whilst I can appreciate a younger guy’s looks, or think ‘IOh, he’d have been nice if I were 35’ I can’t also fancy/have a personal attraction below about 57 - I know this is a me thing.

I look at so many on OLD and sigh that this is what I’m reduced to haha - I also realised every guy I’ve been out with previously has been slim/toned and not on the ugly side if not over attractive either - I wouldn’t even have considered this a deliberate ploy but it’s how it seems to have turned out.

However, I gave 2 different guys a shot - tbf they were only ones asking haha. Nothing like previous dates/relationships in appearance- and I’m completely (over even lol) attracted to the one I’m still dating - there’s just that ‘something’

So I won’t in future be ruling out everyone as I seemed to be doing every time I had a bit of a look. Maybe there is a ‘something’ you will find, despite them maybe not following your usual pattern? Or maybe shoot younger?

Best of luck.

Potentially, and I wonder sometimes if I am avoidant myself. But I think the main problem is the issue we have all identified: it is just bloody rare to find someone who is single, suitable, with whom we have a real connection.

Sometimes I think about ditching the apps for a bit, but there is always that lingering "what if the next one is the right one?"

Sigh. Thank you to everyone who comments that they understand too - it helps me feel less alone!

@ElleintheWoods ,hi, what was it that made you fancy these men you saw while out and about, was it any particular physical features?

Obviously I'm not Elle But I hope you don't mind me also answering!

For me, sometimes it's physical, sometimes ill think 'Wow, look at him!' there was one the other day who looked like Pete wicks (I don't like him as a person, but to look at, yes) & he got a 'Wow' in my head.

Often though, it's not about how they look for me, I've said this on here before but I notice things like if a man is shopping with (assuming) his mum, & he rubs her arm/pushes the trolly for her, helps her with her bags, general kindness I notice (whilst shopping!)

A few years back, I was trying to get something out of the bottom of my kids buggy in a shop in a queue & it took me an extra few seconds & the queue moved quickly so I jumped up, realising that I was at the front, I turned to the person behind & said 'Oh, I'm sorry' & rushed ahead but he said 'No problem at all' & smiled at me, he had a kind smile. He just looked like an ordinary man but that moment of kindness made him really attractive to me!

(I do other things in my life apart from visit supermarkets)

I’m not Elle either lol.

I may see someone out and about and technically think they’re attractive - but not with the ‘oh I fancy them’ as I think I have to connect and I just don’t walking past someone.

With Mr Tree I didn’t meet and think ‘yeees’ - but when we sat down and he looked at me and spoke (smiled too) then I absolutely did - he was funny too, which I like. I can’t define which bits of that worked for me but it’s not the instant he looks amazing at all. I sit and speak with other folk and that never happens- fortunately I suppose haha.

It’s been the same on other previous dates, in the wild, from OLD - there’s an undefinable spark with some and no real definition on why - but even that may instantly blow out, or alternatively grow over time, so not at date 1 or 2 or even 3 necessarily. Looks become very unimportant very quickly too - eg if you went out with the hottest person alive you wouldn’t really notice that after a pretty short time - and vice versa.

I hope you’re feeling ok Red - you seem quite hung up still on fancying and looks - and it maybe seems you have low self esteem on your own appearance - no one else will see your appearance as you do - confidence (not cockiness) with a smile and a genuine interest in the other person is what starts to make you attractive to them imo. Try to enjoy the chats and dates as getting to know someone and not as a hopeful hot date/relationship - it will them work better for you I think.

MsJinks I had a date like your Mr Tree. Initially I thought 'Not my type' (I'd never not carry on with a date based on initial looks though, as they just don't matter to me) & once we started chatting & he smiled at me I thought 'Ooh, hello!' (I am a sucker for a man's smile!)

And yes, ForRedShark, MsJinks final paragraph is true.

Wowww lot to catch up on!

@Nosdacariad really pleased mr ✈️ might be going somewhere 😀

The dick pic convo was hilarious....ive only recieved two I think in my whole life but agree with the "what are they thinking" because there is no way a woman sees that from a stranger and thinks "i must have you now"
To be perfectly honest ive never really "liked" the look of any penis ive seen 😂🙈 apart from my DPs so im convinced its tied into that sexual chemistry and connection and feelings.

@ForRedShark I didnt fancy my DP when I first saw him. We got on really well from when we first met and there was definetly "something about him" but it was not physical at all at first. I really liked his sense of humour, his interests, his voice, i thought he had kind eyes, i liked the way hecspoke abouy his family and his job/passions. Then after about 5 weeks of chatting regulary (in person we didnt meet online) it just hit me that I fancied him. Honestly cant explain it. 18 months on I still love all those initial things I noticed about him and fancy his pants off. For a proper connection it isnt about looks.

Loving reading everyone's updates....I giggled at the Mr Beach part of it was the same guy imagine! 😀

Some great advice going on here as well especially about the overanalysis if someone dissapears or declines another date. I used to do this too the "what did I do??" But honestly, really try not to think that because as explained by others, it usually isnt actually about you at all. And if it was something you did, well you were just bring yourself, so they aren't your person are they?!

I used to do this so much in OLD and it can really drag you down. When I came off, and then a while after met DP in the wild, because I wasnt looking for anything I was just myself and didnt over analyse a thing. I was just unashamedly myself and he was too. And it worked.
So if they are meant for you it will just be easy and work 🫶

Big love ❤️

Thank you so much for your replies everyone, that means a lot. Its good to see your perspectives on attraction and what seems to work or not.

I stupidly cancelled my date at the last minute the other week and she was angry. I did message her and she replied saying that she " wasnt sure if i was her type anyway", so its just made me question myself a lot since.

Hope you are all having luck on the apps -)

I should say that I have also wondered at times if I am attracted to men - and the truth is, I am, but not many of them! I have wondered before if I am just incapable of feeling anything, but I am.

I have started talking to someone OLD who I actually do feel quite excited about. Obviously it may well not go anywhere, but it does remind me that I am entitled to only pursue things with people who genuinely excite me. Just because someone is a nice, decent guy does not mean I am obliged to date him.

Same for me as @MsJinks and @NervesOfCotton. My BF, 6/7 months in, not sure DP yet, knocked me back with his smile when we met. I hadn’t thought prior to us meeting in-person that I would find him as attractive as I did/do. But his smile, his warmth and his overall energy caught me, and have every date/ day (we now effectively live together heh) since. It’s really not about looks alone. I’ve also met objectively very hot men for dates and we’ve had great chat on the apps first and then I’ve met in-person and the date has been totally crap for various reasons.

@ForRedShark as with the others- I’m not sure what is going on with you, but gently, have you considered therapy? You don’t sound particularly in the right place for online dating and talking through things could help. How long have you been single?

With respect, she probably came to that conclusion when you stood her up 🤷‍♀️ us women are simple beings, we want to feel pursued, valued, thought of, and value honesty and consistency over a 6 pack and full head of hair

Not sure if I’m allowed to put this on here. Went on second date with mr club a few drinks. I’d finished night shift and hadn’t had much to eat. He came back for a cup of tea one thing led to another. Messages last night when he got home and a few this morning. No further date planned and no contact since. I feel rubbish

bellalou1234 Why wouldn't you be able to put that on here?

Sorry that you are feeling rubbish. Did you send the last message? How long has it been since you heard from him?

I’m not sure
yes I’ve sent a message tonight asking if he’s had a good day. He replied he was seeing friends and he’ll message later when home. Not sure if I’m reading too much into it. Still wish I hadn’t went to bed

bellalou1234 He's been in contact then, that's good. I think that you are overthinking it. Try not to regret things that have happened (easy to say, I know!) because you can't change them now. Be kind to yourself.

ForRedShark I think that she was allowed to be angry with you & she was probably lashing out (fair enough)

To me it seems very like self-sabotage. You sabotaged the last date because of some made up 'rules' about drinking, & now you are doubting if anybody will want to date you at all, based on one comment.

You did have somebody who wanted to date you, remember, so try to hold onto that. And as has been said, we are much more critical of ourselves, & see our 'flaws' much more than our dates ever will do.

Separate thing, but this profile on Hinge just made me laugh 'Looking for somebody who doesn't mind me caring enough to text good morning/evening'. Haha, has he dated one of us?!

@NervesOfCotton sounds like my Mr Teacher! Especially if he’s added you must be 100% all in! If it’s a PE teacher, please run far and fast! Save yourself the stress of him turning up at your house unannounced.

I only have intermittent contact with a fireman at the moment, so nothing to report here yet.

Brightbluesomething Oh yes, I remember him! (Or 'Oh no'!)
He was on my recommended so I just swiped past. I don't swipe on anybody who has little passive aggressive comments like that on their profiles... Did make me chuckle though.

Hi all! Loads I want to respond to here and I am bound to miss some of it.

@bellalou1234, sorry to hear you are feeling regretful, but please know that you have done nothing wrong! You did what felt right in the moment - and enjoyed it? If he judges you for something he also did himself, he is a complete and utter tool, and it's better to find that out now! (In fact, I sometimes wonder if it isn't best to shag them fairly early on, just to screen for these kinds of sexist attitudes!) Anyway, he has been in touch so hopefully you have nothing to fear - would you like to repeat the experience, if he is keen?

@ForRedShark, soneone else mentioned therapy and, having had quite a lot myself, I would highly recommend it for self esteem issues! There is zero shame in asking for help - in fact it's an incredibly courageous thing to do. Also no reason why you can't date while in therapy (as long as you feel you have the headspace to do so). I wouldn't expect a new partner to tell me straight away that they were having counselling or therapy, and if they did mention it, I would have nothing but respect for that. (In fact, I have this mad little fantasy that my ex will one day seek therapy, work on his issues, and turn up at my door with an engagement ring and some emotional insight at last!)

As for the general discussion about attraction, for me I don't think it's much about looks, but there can be physical elements to it like how a man holds himself, his voice, even how he smells......

None of this comes across over photo very well, so I never have a clue whether the attraction will be there until I actually meet the man in person.

And I was definitely attracted to a broader sweep of men when I was younger - I am a lot more picky now I think.

I have a date tomorrow with Mr Builder and am hoping to fancy him - he sent a couple of voice notes and had a really hot voice! And his body type is bigger, which is what I tend to go for in men. (I guess I like what people call a "dad bod" - I hope that doesn't sound derogatory or sexist ...). The chat has been nice and easy but I am not sure we will have loads in common - but I am hopeful enough to give it a go.

I am still also talking to my Mr Beach, who I am meant to be meeting next week. Again, the chat is good - and possibly slightly more in common? I wish I could see him sooner really, as if it goes well with Builder tomorrow I will have a decision to make I guess - and I would in a way prefer to have met Beach first?

But, so it goes. Struggling to make any other good connections currently, despite quite a bit of swiping. But I guess two irons keen to go on a date isn't the worst hand ever......

Any idea which apps would be best?

Briefest connection on Bumble. He was on travel mode. I invited him to pub quiz. He said yes. Then he was going home??? No biggy but ?????
I’m from Halifax in West Yorkshire 😊

And that actually sounds like a great shout. Thanks for the invite. I’m always up for a pub quiz, even if my specialist subject is useless facts and random trivia 😄

What time does it start? xx

Haha, perfect 😄

I’d love to join you, but unfortunately I’m heading back to Yorkshire tomorrow. Typical timing!

You’ll have to let me know how the quiz goes, and whether your whippet and flat cap brought the team any luck 😉 xx