Strange chance meeting with friend, what to think?

[Genuinelyataloss]

Would be keen to hear MN views on something strange that happened with a friend two weeks ago that I keep turning over in my mind.

We'd just been to a gig with my husband and three kids and were walking home, when we caught up, on a fairly busy stretch of London pavement, with a good friend of ours, who was walking in the same direction as us. We all called out to him, and as he turned around, it became apparent only in that moment that he was in fact with a woman, who was not his wife and whom we'd never seen before. He sort of acknowledged my husband but completely blanked the other four, introduced him to the woman and then swerved off and crossed the road with her.

On the face of it, a bit of a nothing burger, right? But if it really was nothing, why not stay and chat?

He's not been in touch to offer an explanation or acknowledge the weirdness, which I guess is entirely to be expected.

I'm due to see them both tomorrow, and I just feel somehow funny. Would welcome your thoughts!

How he acts when you see them should give you a good indication of if he's feeling guilty or not

As you mention, they were walking slowly, is it possible that he and the woman were just deep in conversation about something melancholic? I know I can sometimes be a bit awkward if I run into someone completely unexpectedly.

That’s absolutely possible. It can sometimes be awkward if your different social worlds collide at difficult or delicate moments, or even just unexpected ones. I’m very socially competent/ confident when on form, but I have sometimes completely blanked on the names of a friend’s spouse and/or children when I meet them unexpectedly out of context. Which means I look deeply shifty and don’t introduce them, because I don’t know what to call them…

It wasn’t strange behaviour, it was big standard behaviour for a man having an affair.

if you are good friends with his wife, you should mention you bumped into him with a female friend. He’s probably lied to her about where he is.

On the surface of it, it looks shifty.

However - it strikes me that you don't actually know for sure it was only the two of them there that night, it might be that it was just the two of them walking away THEN and at the gig they had been part of a bigger group.

I'd lie low for now. If he was there on an event that the wife knew about with people he just didn't think it was important enough to introduce properly to 'family friends' you will look like a shit stirrer if you say something to her. Certainly you can't be accused of keeping something truly sensitive from her on the basis of this one event.

See what happens when they come round. If you do get him on your own: "how'd you enjoy the concert?" and see where that conversations leads you.

Then take a view.

On the surface of it, it looks shifty.

I don't think it looks shifty, but if he acted shifty...
It's surely not that unusual for a man to be walking with a woman who isn't his wife??

Could be, yes.

But everything the OP describes is also absolutely commensurate with the friend, confronted unexpectedly with his friend plus wife and three children, just completely blanked the names of the wife and children and was mortified, fumbled the introductions and only introduced the person he was with to the OP's husband, then swerved off across the road before it got even more awkward and it became even more obvious he couldn't remember the names of four of the five people he met.

(And yes, I know the OP says she knows him well. I have completely blanked on the names of people I know perfectly well when I've met them unexpectedly, and I've been concentrating on something else, especially something serious. It's absolutely mortifying.)

It's no more of a reach than 'He only introduced his affair partner to the OP's husband because he knew he'd be less disapproving or less liable to bring up his wife's name than the OP and her children' (?)

Looks shifty = he was acting shifty.

Sorry if that wasn't clear but it is what I meant.

I think the difference between this example and @volpini's is they saw this guy at a big public event, not in a more intimate setting of a train station where it feels like, yes they could be going to someone's home.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

@OpheliaHamlet @UnlikelyIntimacies and @OVienna you are all totally right in what you say. It could be a friendly nothing.

Also, the suggestion that he might have blanked on our names made me laugh. We are all extremely middle aged so as ridiculous an explanation as that might once have been, it's becoming more plausible with every passing day...

@Genuinelyataloss these situations are so awkward because you want to do the right thing for a friend you feel could be 'wronged' - and that's understandable. And I guess many of us panic that we might be lying by omission to a friend if we don't stick our nose out and say something. But I think here you are in the clear to pause for the time being.

I have a terrible memory of once blanking on names of people I knew well in my thirties and not covering it up at all well, though! Honestly, if someone had said to me 'What on earth was going on with you the other night when we ran into you with the guy -- you seemed so flustered and then you ran off!', I'd probably have confessed to an imaginary affair rather than admit the truth, that I suddenly couldn't remember the names of people I'd known for a decade or more, plus their lovely children!

Perhaps they were in a hurry, meeting someone, they could have been any where walking on a busy London street no reason to suppose they had been to the same gig. You just saw a friend with a woman (not his wife) and he didn't want to chat or didn't have time to chat and the woman wasn't very friendly to these people she didn't know.

I would just forget it, but if you want to stir it a bit mention in conversation that you went to this gig and how much you enjoyed and that you walked home leave that hanging for a few seconds, and see if he jumps in with bumping into you or just looks nervous.

This might have already been suggested, but is it possible he completely blanked on your and your kids names? So he introduced the woman to your husband, meaning to move on to the rest of you, but couldn't remember your name (let alone your children's) and was so embarrassed and flustered he just ran away? It's bad enough forgetting the name of someone you don't know well, but excruciating forgetting the name of someone you should know well!

Ah, see the blanking had already been suggested (I only got to page 2 before posting).

It could be this, but we've known each other well for a long, long time. I suspect it would only be this if it was in combination with some other contributing factor, i.e. panic over other woman, small stroke, etc.

I definitely don't want to stir!

If we do anything, it will be to openly and directly acknowledge to him that we found the encounter and his behaviour odd. Spell out, as per previous poster's suggestion, that it looks really suss but might well be entirely innocent. And see what he says.

On reflection, I suspect this would bother me quite a bit less if our kids hadn't been there. They were very much weirded out by it, as blanking so unexpected, and have subsequently revisited it a couple of times.

Clearly you think he’s having an affair and you know full well thays the conclusion people would jump to on here.

Your husband should only ask him outright if he is prepared for him to admit that he is having an affair.

If you are closer to the wife, he may ask your husband to keep it from you.

Or he may ask both of you to keep it from his wife.

Would you do so?

If not, what would you do if he told you that they are in an open relationship but that his she doesn’t want anyone to know this?

Would you take him at his word?

I think the safest course of action is to talk in front of the wife as if this is all above board, i.e. as if she knows he was at the gig with another woman.

Then if she didn’t know this, she can follow it up with you if she wants to.

None of your business, could have been anyone

Surely you've just explained that sometimes adults are preoccupied by something difficult or all-engrossing and won't always have the time or inclination to greet or engage with their friends' children? Or indeed their own. There are times when I tell DS to go away I'm doing something time-sensitive and important.

Was it a Coldplay concert?

They're too old for that. And old enough to suspect, entirely independently, that what they came across may have been infidelity. So we've chatted instead about not jumping to conclusions and the importance of not discussing their suspicions with anyone. And the reality that life is incredibly complicated.

My point regarding the kids being there is that it adds a new layer of complexity. Especially as my eldest is friendly with their eldest.

That wouldn't be kind to his wife.

Only the “loudly and obviously” bit is unkind though. Do it as if it’s all above board and she retains plausible deniability in public whilst retaining the option to act or not in private.