Strange chance meeting with friend, what to think?

[Genuinelyataloss]

Would be keen to hear MN views on something strange that happened with a friend two weeks ago that I keep turning over in my mind.

We'd just been to a gig with my husband and three kids and were walking home, when we caught up, on a fairly busy stretch of London pavement, with a good friend of ours, who was walking in the same direction as us. We all called out to him, and as he turned around, it became apparent only in that moment that he was in fact with a woman, who was not his wife and whom we'd never seen before. He sort of acknowledged my husband but completely blanked the other four, introduced him to the woman and then swerved off and crossed the road with her.

On the face of it, a bit of a nothing burger, right? But if it really was nothing, why not stay and chat?

He's not been in touch to offer an explanation or acknowledge the weirdness, which I guess is entirely to be expected.

I'm due to see them both tomorrow, and I just feel somehow funny. Would welcome your thoughts!

Regardless of the rights and wrongs in relation to my friend's marriage to his wife and any action I might take in that regard, there is also another side to this which is that he is a very good friend of ours, we have known him for 15+ years, he knows all of us all very well and yet he completely blanked me and our kids.

Now, I'm not saying that we're the "main characters" here, but pick a good, close friend of yours and imagine him treating you like this. There was absolutely no external, pressing reason for him to ignore us, as far as I can see. They were clearly not in a hurry as we caught up with them walking very slowly ourselves chatting about the gig, and there was nothing to stop him stepping to the side of the pavement and having a brief chat with us. As you do when you bump into a friend. Would you not be curious as to why and feel in some small way entitled to an acknowledgement of the weirdness or even an explanation?

Ooh, I think he was clearly doing something very dodgy. I would ask him who his friend was but I'd do it when he was alone to hear his explanation first.

Could he have been on some sort of substance and therefore slightly freaked out by seeing the children? Was it your husband that called out in the moment, and that’s why the minimal interaction was with him?

You are entirely right, and when you put it like this it is obvious and constructive and right.

I don't know why I'm stumbling around with this and hesitating so much!

I think I’d leave well alone and let him fib his own grave, from experience.

Or mention you saw him, as you did truthfully, don't say anything else, and watch him squirm. He may just deflect or lie.

Dig not fib 🤣

That's the thing, he didn't come across drunk, at all.

And it was all five of us calling out. Very sort of cheerfully. In keeping with the moment and our usual relationship.

Thinking about it, his companion was very passive and very self-contained. So either a very reserved person naturally or someone caught in a nightmare situation. A stranger, granted, but she didn't react the way you would expect an average person to react to a chance encounter with a friend of a friend, i.e. with a smile and a modicum of brief small talk.

He didn't want to introduce the OW to any of you because it wasn't/isn't relevant. He's not planning on including her in his life so no need to introduce her. TBH, she might be just as interested in a no-strings situation as he is.

If he's in an open marriage with his wife, he won't be especially worried about her finding out but he might be worried about what he has(n't) told the OW.

And even if his marriage is truly open, that is still a private arrangement between him and his wife. Although you are long-time friends, this part of his life is none of your business.

Bringing up this chance meeting is pointless and somewhat indiscreet. You know what he was doing; his wife knows he does it; no need to talk about it. Do you really want a blow-by-blow of his evening (with her)?

You are making this into a big deal but it's not really and it's really not about your long-standing friendship with him because the woman you saw with him is NOT going to be part of the friendship.

This woman could be anyone. It may be innocent. If he's that good a friend and you've known him for that long a time, just ask him who she was.

Being with a woman that isn't his wife is nothing, I wouldn't even consider it was dodgy.
Acting dodgy though, well you were there and can tell.
So yes, likely dodgy.

OP, I can absolutely understand your "stumbling around" and hesitating - it's a very tricky situation and not one of your making.

However - in your search for "acknowledgement" and "explanation", what do you think might happen if you ask him, in whatever environment? All I can say is that it might have very unexpected consequences (not of your making, though) and once the words are out there you can't unsay them, especially if the conversation gets out of hand and things get said in the moment.

@Genuinelyataloss your response to my post is quite correct, I had not fully understood the nature of your friendship with him, I was focussing on their marriage. Perhaps I was led astray by other posters.

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm closer to the wife, my husband is closer to the husband. So makes sense for him to ask.

And yes, I'm curious to see what happens with the plan!

This is precisely my worry. That we'll unleash something that will leave everyone worse off.

I think I would try and pretend nothing untoward had happened and react how you usually would in normal circumstances.
In this situation if I had randomly bumped into a friend then we met up again a couple of weeks later I would naturally mention the initial meeting in an "isn't it strange we rarely see you then meet twice in a month" type of way. I might add that I was sorry he hadn't had time to introduce us to his friend.
That way if it's all above board you are just commenting naturally and if he is up to no good, you are not keeping his secret or publicly embarrassing his wife. If she asks questions you can then be honest but factual.

Bluntly, you have no idea what’s going on in his life. You refer to a couple old ongoing stress-causing events that have put his marriage under strain. That’s potentially going to have an impact on his manners too. I think your anger is a bit weird, to be honest. It’s not about you. Sometimes people have complicated stuff going on that prevents them from responding to you and your children with the charm and courtesy you feel is your due, whether that’s an affair, negotiating the early stages of an open relationship, or something entirely different.

That’s nosy and passive-aggressive, rather than ‘natural’.

How many people are in an open relationship with full agreement of their long-term partner? Very few.

How many more people are having a sneaky fling with someone they shouldn't? Quite a lot more.

When you hear hooves, think horse, not zebra.

If this was totally innocent and the woman was his sister, cousin, next-door neighbour, work colleague or some random friend, then he would have stopped to have a chat and introduced her quite happily. He didn't do that, he was really shifty and couldn't get away fast enough. Well dodgy.

But so what, though? The OP can conclude this man is having an affair, disapprove, and just sit with those feelings.

I expect a last minute cancellation or he’ll be unable to look at you directly in the eyes.

I would ask him privately and see what goes on from there.

He was obviously cheating and blanked you because there’s a higher risk you’d name drop his wife straight into the conversation.

I'm closer to the wife, my husband is closer to the husband

Id just keep quiet at this stage. If there comes a point where you and his wife meet up alone, I'd ask her then. "Is everything ok with you and Dave? Only we saw him xx weeks ago after the xyz event, he was with someone and it all seemed a bit odd."

"his wife knows he does it; no need to talk about it."

I'm genuinely confused. Where did @Genuinelyataloss say the friends are in an open relationship, and that the wife knows? Isn't the point of the thread that she doesn't know how to approach this, because as far as she's aware, they are monogamous? That she doesn't want to hurt or embarrass the wife?

Sounds like you’re jumping the gun to me. There are plenty of times people might see me out at night with a man who is not my husband - walking to drinks or dinner with a work colleague, catching up with a male friend etc. Tbh if I’m with a work colleague not sure I’d stop and do a detailed explanation and intro to family friends if I encountered them, I’d also most probably just say ‘this is x, nice to see you’ or whatever and move on swiftly, not because I’m trying to hide anything but because awkward chit chat and introductions on a busy london sidewalk are just awkward. Obviously I’d be completely happy for anyone to bring it up in front of my husband though as I have nothing to hide.

The way I’d play it - when we all meet up, during normal conversations that happen, I’d say, ‘oh x, how did you enjoy (whatever) concert the other week?’ Or ‘hope you enjoyed the concert the other week, how mad to bump into you amongst the hundreds of people there’

I wouldn’t initially mention the other person, but I would definitely mention you’d seen him at the concert. Asking his thoughts or mentioning the random bumping into him, is not directly attacking/accusing him. See what he says/his reaction, see his wife’s reaction and take it from there.