No Contact why are Parents always painted as the guilty party?

[Nanjizel]

I would like to hear attitudes to a child who has gone no contact. While I have had no contact for 40 months my child age indicates that this is a fairly recent decision. In the overlapping time span I have a relative who has suffered from aggresive cancer I am now preparing for their death. I cant help making comparisons with someone who is dying and someone who isn't but whom I feel is dead to me. I understand that my child may have numerous grievances with my parenting approach. This subject has an abundance of text online describing all forms of cruelty to Children during their development. What is minimal is the advice for the parent who has been thrown under the bus. Is blood really thicker than water? If I encountered someone who behaved like this our interaction would be minimal at best. Why do I have to accept narasistic gaslighting and selfishness? I am aware that a better relationship would lift my associated depression, but that's not going to happen. Over the last 40 months I have made numerous attemps to contact, calls. cards, emails and gifts all received no response. I am preparing to draw a line in the sand when my relative passes away and end all involvement with the child in question. Treat both people as deceased I have other children and this course of action will most likely have a negative relationship I have with my other children. The impact of not reaching out to me to discuss the family member in pallative care is shocking as I believe the silent ones grievance is miniscule in comparison to what the person is suffering with and the conversations their having to have with their family.
Without conversation there no solution, this comparisson between the unwell and the healthy is a real line that can't be forgiven, I think it defines selfishness!

Because in the parent/child dynamic, even when the child is well into adulthood, there tends to be a power imbalance in favour of the parents which also gives parents more responsibility when things go wrong. Also, the most public parents who've dealt with this like Doormat Mum No More author have largely shown a very aggressive side, particularly against the idea that her actions played a part in her child's choice. These are not true in all situations, particularly once the parents are elderly, but I think these are big cultural factors in why the public largely blames the parents on this.

I went no contact with my parents, both for different lengths of time, due to their addictions and not feeling safe being around them while my kids were young - both had made threats while intoxicated. I also left the country my parents and the rest of my family live in and have not been back in decades, so even before that and during reconciliation attempts, all contact has been email and phone.

After attempts at reconciliation, my mother chose to go no contact with me after a disagreement between myself and my sister - she deleted the email address which was my only way to contact her about 14 years ago, I've heard nothing from her since. I maintain the same email address we used to talk through in case she changes her mind. This has continued throughout multiple family illnesses and deaths. I accept that is her choice, I think it was just a final straw of things where our differences were butting against each other and she didn't want to try anymore. I wouldn't push her on it even if I could, I'd rather she'd continue with me if she wanted to, not because she felt she should - we spent a lot of time prior to that having a lot of people tell us how our relationships should be, having other relatives discuss how they'd hope we'd become closer and it never helped. Even as a child, we had other relatives saying this while there were months we didn't speak or see each other (father had full custody, she didn't want any). I accept I was never the child she wanted and I only hope she's found the peace she didn't have when I knew her. I don't see much around when it's the parent that pulls the plug on the relationship, I think it's probably more shameful for a parent to say that don't want a relationship with their child than a child to say that, parent are meant to be unconditional and all that, but lives are more complicated than that.

During no contact with my father, he would contact me at most once a year, by email, usually to wish me a happy birthday, sometimes that also included family updates or his thoughts on things. If he had contacted repeatedly throughout the early days, I likely would never had responded back or attempted reconciliation. Part of it was my needing to build my life safely without him or fear of him and that fear lasted a while - even as a young adult, he still seemed far more powerful than he really was. His very limited contact over the years is part of why we were able to reconcile - he showed some understanding of where things went wrong and that he wanted to amend and rebuild our relationship, and I in time dealt with my fears and could see another path. I admit at times during that I didn't want there to be another path - I was safe on the path with no contact and reconciling for most of it felt too big of a risk emotionally and otherwise. It was very raw in the first 40 days, it was still raw in the first 4 years, I'd say. It's been about 6 years now since we started reconciliation and still a work in progress.

Is blood really thicker than water? No, in either form of that line is idealistic at best, used to guilt people to maintain bad relationships at worst.

If I encountered someone who behaved like this our interaction would be minimal at best. Then why are you making numerous attempts to contact? Is it because you feel you should or something else?

I am aware that a better relationship would lift my associated depression I can understand that this is upsetting, it's likely more helpful to rebuild your mental wellbeing with the acceptance of voluntary association. Focusing more on the relationships you have that you want, rather than the one you now don't have with someone who you view as behaving poorly could be helpful.

You can’t force someone to talk to you and you can’t force someone to act in the way you’d like them to act, even when a relative is close to death.

If you genuinely feel like you have done nothing wrong, then it will be easier for you to assume the NC child is going through something themselves. Maybe they’ve undertaken some therapy and old hurts have been dragged up. You don’t say if there are any grandchildren involved, but I’ve found raising my own kids has made me rethink my childhood and I’m pretty annoyed that certain things were allowed to go on. Something has triggered the NC and it might be that you really can’t influence it in anyway.

Your post is a little hard to read, so apologies if I misunderstood something, What I am getting is that you feel your child is dead to you, that you would not interact with them if they were not your child, that your relationsjip is making you depressed and there is no chance of things improving, that your child has cut off contact with you and you are ready to do the same, that you think the child is being selfish and you can't get over it.

Seems like a no-brainer to accept their decision to cut all ties and to do the same yourself.

Have you had spoken therapy as part of the treatment for your depression? Sounds like it could be very helpful for you, especially if cutting off contact is a decision you are making out of anger, and will lay heavy on your mind.

In my lived experience that is not necessarily the case. I am thinking of relatives in my wider family where their adult dc cut contact with them. I know the circumstances. The issue lay with the dc's spouse, and it was that person who was (and still is) thoroughly narcissistic and toxic and demanded the dc go no contact. The parents are distraught about it.

Not in my experience. Dh’s child is NC

years of parental alienation. Your dad had an affair (he didn’t), your dad took all the money/won’t pay cms/ballet lessons (also not true)- you can’t have x y and z as we cannot afford it, your dad is rich (also not true).

despite that they had a good relationship until the child was 18. Saw them every weekend, they considered moving in with us for a’levels (mum wouldn’t allow it).

until dh reported someone in the family to the police for fraud. As with all abusers they presented a reasonable public face, they were absolutely not guilty, and dh had done it because he wanted the money for himself.

with no cms and the children independent, their mum encouraged them to go NC and side with the fraudster- as they had told the step dc they were making sure an inheritance went to them instead of dh. Everyone knows dh only cares about money…

dh admits he wasn’t a great parent, but he tried his best given their mum cheated on him and kicked him out when the kid was 2. At least he knows he never bad mouthed their mum or told them the truth about the divorce, and he knows he stopped someone stealing a large sum of money from an elderly aunt.

Well, in my case, if you ask my mum and her friends (all very new friends who don’t know me, her lifelong friends have almost all cut her off as well) why we have no relationship, it’s because I took money from her (£250k to be exact) and refused to let her see her grandchildren when I couldn’t get more. They think I’m one of those horrible ‘no contact’ children who has cut their parent off for a frivolous reason because I saw it on TikTok and thought that sounded great. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The real reason is because she married a man who is a convicted paedophile and facilitated his contact with my children. I cut her off after I found out and saw worrying behaviour between him and a child. She admitted he had been exposing himself to other children (which I didn’t see with my own eyes, but she told me because she doesn’t really think there is anything wrong with it as he didn’t actually touch them 🙄).

She, of course, doesn’t tell her friends and neighbours this because she recognises it’s not socially acceptable. Her dearest friends have cut her off when they found out. The ones who haven’t from the golf club and whatnot don’t know, but she has to explain why neither she nor her husband have any relationships with the 3 children and 5 grandchildren they have between them (we are all NC). Me it’s that I stole money. The other two it’s parental alienation because husband’s ex wife wanted spousal support and the daughters cut him off to spite him when their mum didn’t get more money in the divorce (real reason is his sexually abused one, possibly both of them, I know because I’ve seen the court records and had a private investigator look into it because my gut said he was dodgy).

My point is that the person who has had the relationship ended on their behalf often has a vested interest in maintaining a narrative that makes them look good. If a child has gone NC with a parent, I think it’s highly unlikely the parent is going around telling everyone the truth about exactly what happened. They have a vested interest in saving face. Some may also be in deep denial about what actually happened as well.

I would say same is likely true in cases where a parent has gone NC with a child who wants a relationship still as well. By this though, I mean proper NC with no intention of a future relationship, not as a manipulation tactic. My mum used to stop talking to me for months at a time if I brought up my own abuse. She didn’t want to hear about it and to punish me and make me stop, she’d just disappear for 3-4 months at a time, and then pop up and pretend everything was totally normal and tell me what she ate for lunch and who she bumped into at the shop. This is not the same as ending the relationship because you no longer want your parent or child in your life.

My Just cat , your decision to bet good money on a topic I don't undrstand but you who have never met any of the people involved do. Says more about you than it does about me. I suggest you reflect on your inability to be constructive before being so aggresive.

I feel you should listen to the advice you offered me.

"I am a great mum"

Think that's your problem there OP, because your daughter obviously doesn't agree.

no point continuing our conversation

Thanks for replying

I disagree with your assessment

No I Didnt

its not that simple. lets leave it there

I think I now understand the problem

Thanks for your reply , theres been no communication or explaniation ,written or verbal.

lots of people replies have centered in abuse or disapproval through childhood, I believe this isnt the reason here ( I say that not out of denial or avoiding contemplation) . My geuine frustration is communication stopped when they were 28 and you dont solve anything without talking, if you want to solve it. I message my relation who is really ill and they reply. I placed my message to get helpful comments. thank you for your reply

Well she obviously doesn't want to resolve things?

Your answers are very abrupt. Do you have difficulty discussing uncomfortable issues?

Thank you for your reply it the type of response I wanted to receive. I'm baffled by those who first thought goes to the most unpleasant reply. There is a famous footballer who represents his country. He takes a back seat in life avoiding publicity, recently images of his wife were highlighted on social media. they met as teenagers and their life is nothing to do with anyone else. people posted comments like " why are you with her shes not exactly beautiful, he replied I love her and she shut down all her accounts. People can be horrible and ignorant.

Then maybe you should consider that they don’t want to solve it because (rightly, or wrongly) they are done.

Thank you , without explanation its heart breaking. In my instance the overlapping relative is the gravest situation I could confront and the NC child grievance is petty as nothing can be as serious as watching a close relative die. Somethrew a lightswitch at 28 and since then nothing.

Thank you for your reply

Well even your way of writing makes you sound entitled and grandiose and like you blame them for everything and refuse to even look at yourself. You’re also harassing them.

Your family members cancer has nothing to do with your child. Stop conflating the two. I’m sorry they are going through that though.

Im so sorry for your anticipatory grief regarding your terminally ill loved one.
Sometimes its not a matter of who is to blame.
There are many factors that can lead to estrangement and i can see its painful for eveyone.
Do you know or have any idea why your child is estranged from you?
Have you thought it may be to do with your childs mental health or them simply not being able to cope and is sestranged for her well being?
I am NC with my mother because i couldnt cope with our relationship anymore.I dont wish her ill i just cant cope with her .
I think her story would be very different to mine ,she'd think she was a great mum and im toxic and cruel. I think we just are not good for each other and she cause me pain. I tried for many years before reaching the point that NC was the best option.
Relationships are complicated ...