No Contact why are Parents always painted as the guilty party?

[Nanjizel]

I would like to hear attitudes to a child who has gone no contact. While I have had no contact for 40 months my child age indicates that this is a fairly recent decision. In the overlapping time span I have a relative who has suffered from aggresive cancer I am now preparing for their death. I cant help making comparisons with someone who is dying and someone who isn't but whom I feel is dead to me. I understand that my child may have numerous grievances with my parenting approach. This subject has an abundance of text online describing all forms of cruelty to Children during their development. What is minimal is the advice for the parent who has been thrown under the bus. Is blood really thicker than water? If I encountered someone who behaved like this our interaction would be minimal at best. Why do I have to accept narasistic gaslighting and selfishness? I am aware that a better relationship would lift my associated depression, but that's not going to happen. Over the last 40 months I have made numerous attemps to contact, calls. cards, emails and gifts all received no response. I am preparing to draw a line in the sand when my relative passes away and end all involvement with the child in question. Treat both people as deceased I have other children and this course of action will most likely have a negative relationship I have with my other children. The impact of not reaching out to me to discuss the family member in pallative care is shocking as I believe the silent ones grievance is miniscule in comparison to what the person is suffering with and the conversations their having to have with their family.
Without conversation there no solution, this comparisson between the unwell and the healthy is a real line that can't be forgiven, I think it defines selfishness!

No one owes anyone basic respect, basic respect is earned.

I don’t think many people respect people who martyr themselves to any cause.

It’s not possible to give 110% of yourself anyway and not healthy to give 100%.

Can’t win really. So if your child goes NC it must be because you’re abusive or supporting someone who is. However you mustn’t be a martyr.

None of those things are owed.
I hope I deserve my children's love and respect. They certainly don't owe me gratitude just for raising them. I chose to have them for my own selfish reasons and they've brought me joy - raising them is literally the least I can do.

Well why has yours gone no contact?

I daresay if anyone asked my parent they would say they had no idea what they had done wrong and all they had done was love and support me.

The reality is totally different but they are incapable of seeing it.

What was your relationship like before you were suddenly cut off?
I am both a daughter and a mother to daughters. My childhood wasn’t great, and I am low contact with my parents. But I’ve never had a close, loving relationship with them. It’s always been high conflict.
i did a lot of therapy to ensure I didn’t make the same mistakes with my children. We have a very close, loving relationship (though I’m not claiming perfection).
My parents still make excuses for their poor parenting and they’re in their 80s.
I would really recommend therapy in your situation. If you have gone from a close, happy relationship to being cut off, there is ar minimum grief that you will need to learn to live with, which as you point out, is as difficult as a loved one’s death. But think it’d be good to also explore in therapy how the relationship broke down and the circumstances in which it happened.
You can’t control your child’s actions and decisions. You can only control your own and therapy will help you do this in the most healthy way possible.

Nobody is owed this, it’s always earned. This is a very dangerous attitude for a parent to have towards a child.

If you give 110% of yourself to your child every day of their life, you are putting far too great a pressure on your child to validate your identity which is entirely wrapped up in them.

I'd think this was actually possible that these children would be quite likely to go NC, as there would be no way to cope with such all consuming involvement.

I’m still in contact with my mum but she’s a very difficult and narcissistic (my siblings agree 100%). If one of us cut her off, she would never ever be able to understand it, because her brain simply doesn’t work that way and she has no self-awareness. However she has some good qualities so I persevere with the relationship. It’s fucking hard, though.

So it doesn’t surprise me that some people don’t know why their kids have gone NC. I feel sorry for everyone involved.

In order for parents to understand why the child has gone NC they would need to be aware of some failings and admit to themselves that they made some major mistakes. Parents who are able to do that, take accountability and acknowledge the impact on the child usually do not end up NC.

A minority of parents go into therapy and gain self awareness and are able to reconnect and improve the relationship. Most don't.

Many parents have been told the reasons. They just choose to ignore them or call them petty.

They will forever deflect and live in denial.

I'm leaving this site. I received almost 100 replies with a ratio of 2:1 2 being angry unhinged haters and the smaller catagory emapthetic listeners. I asked for advice. All replies are accepted but many are ignored. I never intended for my request for useful advice to be a catalyst for third party anger. Sadly the majority were angry and unhelpful. The comment you need to look in the mirror if you want to find where our relationship went wrong is a perfect example of unhelpful bile. It's a shame that this site like so many popular social media platforms has become a hateful environment.

I'm sorry, but you must have some inkling as to why you've been cut off? Nothing like this happens for no reason. I'm not being offensive, just stating a fact that you have an idea what has caused this. Or is it that you don't find yourself accountable for the breakdown of the relationship?

It's not unhelpful bile, you're making yourself out to be a martyr when I'm sure you know the cause.
And your original post mentioned nothing about wanting advice!

Actually many of us were trying to be helpful and asked questions for further clarity. You haven’t answered those questions in much detail, so it’s very hard to give constructive advice on a vague situation.

You sound angry yourself so I assume you are projecting. Your reaction is highly concerning. If you behave and speak like that in real life then there lies the answer.

You didn't ask for advice. You were seeking validation. You actually got some but not enough apparently. In fact, we heard from posters who are estranged from their children - or who have good friends who are - and who thus should be more inclined to be open to your perspective. I would, however, be surprised if anyone reading all of your posts was not left feeling a bit dubious about your claims. You could have got advice or - more usefully, understanding - but you won't engage with questions and you lash out in defence. So you will leave the site. Treat it "as deceased" and nothing will have changed.

Why don’t you engage with people asking that you write more clearly about what’s gone on? Your way of expressing yourself is opaque. If you had tried to be clearer you may have found this thread more useful. Instead we get sentences like:

“Without conversation there no solution, this comparisson between the unwell and the healthy is a real line that can't be forgiven, I think it defines selfishness!” (from your OP), or just above, “All replies are accepted but many are ignored”. Why the passive voice and why this vagueness?

I can’t possibly tell if you’re at fault or if your DD is being unfair/controlled/an addict. Because you write as if you’re on a drunken rant.

OP - you posed the question "Why are parents always painted as the guilty party?". The vast majority of the responses you have had are people sharing their personal experiences - either as an estranged child or estranged parent or as someone who knows one of these. These people are trying to answer your question and there is nothing remotely personal in them.

I've just been back through the thread and I can only see 3 or 4 messages that even vaguely qualify for the label of "angry unhinged hater" and all of those had responses from other posters disagreeing as a balance. As well as the personal experiences posts, there are several from people asking you to clarify your own situation or provide more information and a thread disrail about what children owe their parents. Not the massive pile on that your post suggests.

Looking at this impartially, I think that you are either angry or worn out or both and, despite ostensibly starting this thread as a discussion point, clearly only want people who are going to validate your feelings. Unfortunately your responses have also cemented the view of some that you are not listening to your child as you are so blinkered in your own thinking. Perhaps come back to this thread in some weeks or months, when everything feels less overwhelming? There is actually some good advice in it, but you aren't in the right place to register it at the moment.

Yeah so does my abusive mother strangely enough. Still no contact with her though and cannot ever see why I would forgive her for over 40 years of abuse.

Ah I just read your update, not getting the answers you want and not being pandered to so throwing a wobbly and leaving the site instead. I think it is fairly clear at this point why your child went no contact.

Meh, I think when you’re bleating ragefully about suffering narcissistic gaslighting from someone who’s trying their best to get some disrancd from you despite your persistent barrage of messages and phone calls, I can see how this issue might have developed.

When it’s all always about you and you’re always the aggrieved party, there’s no way to resolve conflict and eventually people choose to distance themselves rather than be steamrollered.

No contact should be used as kind of last resource, no lightly, and some people use it lightly because they want all the drama that involves.
As I see it, either we were the problem therefore that no contact is well deserved, or they are the problem therefore will be a blessing not having that selfish entitled person around.
To me, regardless of how much we love the person, no contact means leave me alone. If that is want they want, I'm happy for them.

Im nc with my whole family

Im the eldest (and only female) of 4 siblings and from a very young age (under a year,but definitely by the time the twins came along) she had me marked out as the scapegoat

I took the blame for everything,even if it wasnt my fault (in some cases,I didnt even know what I was getting the blame for)

I tried and tried but she couldn't love me,in fact she resented and hated me-the more I tried,the more she hated me

She conned thousands and thousands of pounds out of me (I owed 8k thanks to an ex taking out loans from loan sharks in my name but paid her back over 90k)

It finally came to a head over a £30 phone bill and I snapped

I just ghosted her-she didnt give a toss but she needed a public reason (she cannot and will not admit she is abusive) so the blame landed at my door

'After everything I did for her!' is trotted out on a regular basis and im the evil bitch for not wanting anything to do with her

Shes turned my whole family (and some friends) against me-her evil has spread far and wide as they pretend im dead-if they dont,they know they are next-in fact I have people I've never met that hate me (looking at you sil)

It's all my fault as she is the perfect mother-she never put a foot wrong,never made mistakes and did everything right

It's all bollocks but people believe it as she has her sons and other family members all by her side so I must be the problem

Admitting my mother has never loved me,only had children so she had an extension of herself/show how perfect she is and being cast out was the most painful thing I've ever felt-i didnt go nc lightly

My mother will never admit to doing wrong and all her hangers on will never see her for who she actually is rather than the mask she shows to the world

And im the only one that will shine a light on her-she knows this

I don't think people who want drama tend to go NC (in its proper sense). There is not a lot of drama to be had if you don't have any contact with someone.

People who want drama are more likely to want the "NC" person to beg for them to get back in touch again.
People who have gone NC for reasons of protecting themselves want the "NC" person to not contact them again (hence the name).

NC is now unfortunately an overused word that has somewhat lost its original meaning. That's why you (and others) describe it as being used lightly. In it's original sense NC was a last resort to protect yourself and absolutely not used lightly.

People go NC to escape drama and abuse. How do you know anyone does it for the drama? Is that how your own mind operates and you assume the same in others?