No Contact why are Parents always painted as the guilty party?

[Nanjizel]

I would like to hear attitudes to a child who has gone no contact. While I have had no contact for 40 months my child age indicates that this is a fairly recent decision. In the overlapping time span I have a relative who has suffered from aggresive cancer I am now preparing for their death. I cant help making comparisons with someone who is dying and someone who isn't but whom I feel is dead to me. I understand that my child may have numerous grievances with my parenting approach. This subject has an abundance of text online describing all forms of cruelty to Children during their development. What is minimal is the advice for the parent who has been thrown under the bus. Is blood really thicker than water? If I encountered someone who behaved like this our interaction would be minimal at best. Why do I have to accept narasistic gaslighting and selfishness? I am aware that a better relationship would lift my associated depression, but that's not going to happen. Over the last 40 months I have made numerous attemps to contact, calls. cards, emails and gifts all received no response. I am preparing to draw a line in the sand when my relative passes away and end all involvement with the child in question. Treat both people as deceased I have other children and this course of action will most likely have a negative relationship I have with my other children. The impact of not reaching out to me to discuss the family member in pallative care is shocking as I believe the silent ones grievance is miniscule in comparison to what the person is suffering with and the conversations their having to have with their family.
Without conversation there no solution, this comparisson between the unwell and the healthy is a real line that can't be forgiven, I think it defines selfishness!

I am an adult child in a similar position. I have opted for low contact rather than none.
Maybe look at this from a different angle if you can.
Your adult child, whilst an adult still has a parent -child relationship with you. It's not equal in terms of expectations and obligations.
It sounds like they have expressed hurts to you from their childhood and you have dismissed them. And kindly, are continuing to not hear them.
Pressing contact on someone who has expressed a need for no or low contact is abusive and unlikely to resolve the gulf.
I am LC with my Dad for self preservation. He hurts me without that pain being deliberate - his attitudes and how he treats me are harmful even if unintended.
I have long since released any hope of change as this is who he is and equally, this is who I am. It's better for me and my family this way.
However I have no wish to be actively cruel towards him so we do have limited contact as I am aware that my refusal to engage is also painful to him. But we cannot have a 'normal' relationship.

DB went NC with my parents for a while- just self absorbed, really. DSIs cut them off after an argument but they are speaking again now.

Some people cannot manage a relationship with those who don’t capitulate. They can’t tolerate dissent. They may be the DC or the parent, both things happen.

Parents generally feel a need to have contact with and know their DC are ok. DC often are perfectly happy getting on with their own life and too busy to wonder much about their parents. They don’t need connection with their parents, the way parents do with their DC. It’s an unequal relationship!

What about those pp we read on here all the time, threatening NC because their DMs won’t look after their children while they’re at work, or for some other pathetic reason? What about the people in abusive relationships whose partner cuts them off from their families?

I have a friend whose daughter has cut contact, and she has no idea why. I know none of us really know what goes on in other families, but she is lovely and I really can't imagine what she's done. There are two other children and they haven't got a clue why their sister has done this.

My friend has offered to go to mediation, therapy, whatever her daughter wants to do as she is desperate to resolve the situation but her daughter refuses. It's heartbreaking

the parent is always blamed as they are the ones who have been in control of the relationship as they were the adult.

I think there will be very limited circumstances where the parent is not at fault. But there will be some. An ex partner having undue influence/ strong ideological/ political opinions for example.

I am low contact with my father. He completely blames me for this - just like he has blamed everything on me since I was tiny! He is incapable of a normal relationship but doesn’t see it.

It’s not always the parent’s fault.

Parents divide into two groups.

Those who know and say why their child has cut contact.

Those who say they have no idea why, or are very vague about the reasons but usually involve their child being “spoilt”, “unreasonable”, or “ungrateful”.

The second group have a very low chance of reuniting. And below the lack of knowledge there usually lies lots of communication that is carefully filed in the bin of memories because it’s unappetising and unflattering to the parent.

Genunely good parents don’t tend to label themselves as such. People who are, do. People who are not, proclaim. Good parents tends to be more introspective and nuanced in how they view their life spent parenting. They look back with regrets, sinking feelings and “here I could have done better”. It’s not for them to say “no parent is perfect” and conclude that makes them good. They know perfection was never the bar to be aimed for. The bar is being honest enough to know where you fucked up, screwed up or took a wrong turn. And be able to give a full throated apology for that, with no if, buts or maybes, once their child is an adult and it’s clear it’s an apology, not a burden where the child must alleviate the parent’s guilt.

It’s not always the parent’s fault. Shit happens. Kids are not blank slates. They too can have less attractive personality traits. They can manipulated, or browbeaten by a life partner who isn’t happy unless they are driving wedges. But it’s generally speaking not that hard to tell which parents have been really unlucky, and which have brought a sky full of misery on their own heads, once you get to know them as people. In both cases the pain is real.

Not really. I’m in a mutually respectful and loving relationship with both my adult children. But I’m pointing out how silly it is to always assume NC in a parent/child relationship is solely down to the parent. It isn’t.

Definitely not always the parents fault. My sister would 100% blame our mum for the breakdown in their relationship but in reality it's mostly her own fault. She's pushed pretty much the whole family away to be honest but doesn't seem to realise the common denominator is her. Kids that go no contact are adults in their own right and are just as capable of being arse holes as the parents.

I am the sibling of someone who has done this - over the years I witnessed many instances of my sibling’s unreasonable behaviour and lies, so I know in our situation it is not all the parents fault. Not that they are perfect, but they did their best.

I was accused of all sorts years ago by my sister, so I know what she’s like, she then turned on my parents when she didn’t get her own way.

After years of them supporting her practically and financially, she decided they were to blame for all her problems and stopped contact, suddenly accusing them of being neglectful/ abusive in childhood. I grew up in the same household and knew this was untrue.

I’m quite frankly glad to rid of her, but my mother is heartbroken. I’m sure my sister is telling all and sundry about her abusive family.

I agree it's impossible to know, without more detail, what's going on. On the face of it, it seems clear the OP is having a hard time, dealing with a very sick relative.

Two things jump out at me, other than that. One is that the OP says that their child 'may have numerous grievances' but doesn't seem to know what they are. And the other is that the OP says she is preparing, when her relative dies, to 'treat both people as deceased'.

Frankly, the latter one sounds like controlling, vindictive behaviour to me. 'How dare you have cut contact; right, I will pretend you died' is not something I can ever imagine saying or thinking about my daughter. Most parents wouldn't. They might be horribly, horribly sad at such a long silence - but most people would not leap to 'now I will pretend this person is dead'. And that is a red flag for me, TBH.

Recently I read a piece about parental estrangement where the author - who had counselled a lot of people on both sides of the situation - noticed that typically, parents who weren't able to reconcile, didn't believe their adult children had given any reason for the estrangement. It was really common. But often, they had been given reasons - they'd just dismissed them or decided they didn't count. They wanted to take control of the situation in a way that let them insist there was no possibility of them doing anything to change or help the situation, so they blanked out any of these reasons their children had given.

To me that's exactly the same logic as 'I will pretend you are dead'. Rather than 'I'm heartbroken you don't want to be in contact, but I will always be here if you need me' the parent is trying to control the situation their way.

I'm sure there are parents who are gutted their children cut contact and genuinely haven't done anything awful. Sometimes parents and children are just not compatible; sometimes there are horrendous issues (I know people whose adult child cut contact because he was seriously struggling with drugs). But this doesn't sound like that to me.

I think it's never as simple as it always being the parents fault. Some people are very difficult, needy or rigid and this includes adult children that have had very normal upbringings but fixate on things.

Ive never seen them threaten “no” contact. More if you don’t help with childcare you won’t get to see us so much. NC is very different

Sorry OP. Try shorter sentences with fewer clauses and clearer vocabulary. Avoid passive voice where possible. Just one example of many, what do you mean when you write “this comparison between the unwell and healthy is a real line that cannot be forgiven”???

Concentrate on what has happened between you and your NC son/daughter. Don’t get caught up on what you’ve read elsewhere or what you’d do if the roles were reversed. As PPs have pointed out, if your son/daughter is NC how can they be doing all this narcissistic gaslighting?

I’m sure people will be able to help more if you can be clearer about what’s going on.

Best of luck

Sentence 2. 40 months.

This! I’ve gone no contact with my mum after a barrage of abuse on my 40th birthday. Low contact with my dad. My crime you ask? Not inviting them to a party I was not having but she thought I was! Seriously spent my 40th having a Chinese takeaway with the husband and teenager and the day after I went out for dinner and a couple of cocktails with a few friends. Couldn’t be considered a party if you tried. No cake, no balloons, no music, no dancing. Just dinner, drinks and conversation with friends. She has twisted it so that I am in the wrong. No sincere apology no nothing. She is in time out until she learns to behave like an adult. It’s rather telling that her 2 children don’t speak to her at the moment.

@MakeMineAMilkyTea Surely there’s a history of that kind of behaviour though? Most people wouldn’t go NC after one argument?

Historically it wasn’t a ‘thing’ so often it was the parents at fault. Not always, but enough that people automatically assume that’s where the problem lies.

However, given the modern approach of expecting parents to be perfect, and social media encouragement to go NC whenever parents draw a boundary, the historical-based assumptions need to shift. The children can indeed be selfish pricks who abuse their parents and use NC and threats of it as a means of control. Society as a mass hasn’t world that out yet though.

Historically it wasn’t a ‘thing’ so often it was the parents at fault. Not always, but enough that people automatically assume that’s where the problem lies.

You mean adult children and parents not being in contact wasn't a thing in the past? Of course it was. Common. Trace any family tree and you will find dead ends where someone can only tell you 'well, we don't know about great-granny's family because they cut her off' or 'no one knows what happened to Uncle Peter after he left home'.

"Recently I read a piece about parental estrangement where the author - who had counselled a lot of people on both sides of the situation - noticed that typically, parents who weren't able to reconcile, didn't believe their adult children had given any reason for the estrangement. It was really common. But often, they had been given reasons - they'd just dismissed them or decided they didn't count. They wanted to take control of the situation in a way that let them insist there was no possibility of them doing anything to change or help the situation, so they blanked out any of these reasons their children had given."

Yes, the disingenuous Missing Missing Reasons.

https://issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons/

Always a dead giveaway.

"I am preparing to draw a line in the sand when my relative passes away and end all involvement with the child in question. Treat both people as deceased I have other children and this course of action will most likely have a negative relationship I have with my other children."

What does this actually mean, to treat your child "as deceased"? Of course it will have a negative effect on that child's siblings if they are supposed to go along with their parent acting as if their sibling is dead. What would that even look like? If your relationship with your adult child has broken down beyond repair (and 3 + years of refused contact attempts suggests that could be the case), then you can acknowledge the profoundly deep hurt that causes you and grieve the loss of the relationship and seek support in therapy and from friends ; the last thing you should be doing is compelling your other children to get involved with the idea of treating your estranged child "as deceased".

The loss of relationship with your child is something separate from the impending loss of your other relative to cancer. You are outraged that your child has not relented and contacted you and this makes it sound a bit like you might have weaponised someone else's terminal illness to demand contact with your estranged child ; the fact that this has not worked perhaps brings it home that the estrangement is irreparable. So you are dealing with a double loss to work through and professional support could help with that. It's very sad when family relations break down beyond repair but it is not in itself a crime and there does not need to be an identified "guilty party".

It’s because the vast majority of the time it is the parent. And most of the rest are due to an abusive partner. An adult child choosing to go NC for no reason is vanishingly uncommon, if the child’s behaviour is at fault it’s far more likely to result in arguments or infrequent contact than complete NC. I found this many years ago, and it still rings completely true today https://issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons/

If you’re going to ever recover your relationship with your child you need to realise that you are not owed their love or time. Not because you’ve looked after a different relative. Not because it would help your mental health. Not because you brought them up. Your entire post is about you and what you deserve, nothing about your child at all except dismissing their “numerous grievances” as “miniscule”.

How very naive you are.

This sounds like a very painful situation, op.

Did you apologise to your child for the things they mention? It's very hard to do because your perception and theirs will obviously vary. You may have missed that boat if they now want to be NC but if they are open to communication then I would encourage you to believe that their perception of their childhood is genuine and to apologise for your part in it. There is no court of parenting that is going to reflect an objective take on what happened and tell you whether how you acted justifies your child cutting you off- there is only your child's perception and your perception. It is quite possible that you did your best in the circumstances- most people do- and yet your child still genuinely perceives that what you did was harmful, and you need to accept that this is how they perceive it and that this is genuine.

If they are fully NC then you should respect their decision. They are more likely to reconsider if you act respectfully now by not forcing unwanted contact.
I would encourage you not to treat your child as having died or to cut them off yourself in retaliation, even if this prolongs the pain for you. Might be helpful to talk to a therapist about it all.

are you sure you’re a “great mum”? You’ve never made a parenting mistake, got something wrong, even if you thought you were doing the right thing at the time?

for me part of being a good parent, and I would never say a “great” parent because I think that is unachievable, is having the self awareness to know how easily it is to damage a child.

i would say I’m a pretty crap mum. Because I’m a very flawed human being. I tried my best, but I got A LOT of things wrong and I’m just grateful my children turned out to be decent human beings and we have a good relationship. I fucked up many times, but I always tried to love them and make them feel safe.

if your child is NC despite you being a “great” mum, that suggests to me that somewhere along the lines, your parenting has not been “great”, and you need to let your child tell you that.

I’m no contact with my dad. My mum died when I was two, and he was the only parent I had left. He was a grandiose narc, emotionally abusive, and never once showed accountability or genuine care.

For a long time I kept trying, because that’s what children do, we’re wired to want connection with our parents, even when the relationship is damaging. That’s trauma bonding, not loyalty.

The turning point for me was realising that staying in contact was causing me more harm than leaving. My final interaction with him, especially around my brother’s death and the way he handled it, made everything painfully clear. I could finally see him as he really was, not as I wished he could be.

That doesn’t mean I don’t think about him. I do, every day. Estrangement doesn’t switch off the attachment system. It just means I chose my safety and sanity over a relationship that kept hurting me.

People go no‑contact for all kinds of reasons, but repair only works if both people are willing to do the work. And sometimes the harm is overwhelmingly on one side. In a parent–child relationship, there’s a huge power imbalance. The parent sets the emotional tone. The parent is responsible for safety. When that parent is the source of harm, the child, even as an adult, is left carrying all the emotional weight.

I also don’t believe “blood is thicker than water”. You don’t get to choose your family, and sometimes you’re unlucky. I know I was. Becoming a mum made the decision even clearer: I wasn’t going to let my children be exposed to the chaos and emotional instability I grew up with.

So yes, going no‑contact is complex, layered, and often heartbreaking. It’s not done lightly. It’s not done out of spite. It’s done because someone finally realised they deserved peace, and that staying connected to the person who hurt them was costing too much.