How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

God, that’s vile. I’d have thought with a health condition like that where one could have fecal issues that one would try one’s
best to be scrupulous with hygiene, I know I’d be worried about infection and also in case I stank. I agree you’re not heartless if it’s a dealbreaker. I couldn’t blame you at all x

I can't understand why he isn't utterly mortified.

I hope you can find the wherewithal to leave this putrid specimen of a man.

61 & you make comments that are that ridiculous. You should be embarrassed.

what the hell OP, why are you putting up with this literal shit! You are completely under reacting, how can you live with the smell of him? Get out now! Run!!!! You sound far too nice to this disgusting bloke. You should be really angry at the way he is disrespecting all normal standards of cleanliness. No excuses. Just leave him!

Oh it's you again.

YOU said he could go to his mother's. I said he couldn't as she died 3 years ago.

End of.

why are you trusting & turning about his MH???

That 'other poster' was THIS same poster @WonderingWanda now twisting things.

I'm not sure why you are so angry with me and using all these shouty capital letters?

I'm not twisting things, when I first posted I had missed op's comment about his mother's death so my comment about him going back to his mother's is clearly a poor suggestion on on my part. Sorry op.

My later comments about mental health were because I thought you were implying that he might be unclean due to poor mental health following his mother's death, as a few posters had suggested his lack of cleanliness was about mental health. I see now you weren't doing so, you were just pointing out my mistake.

Again, I'm not sure why anything I have said had made you so particularly annoyed, all I have been trying to do is to offer some support to @Itsapersonalhygieneone who I don't feel needs to put up with this behaviour.

Tomorrow (today -Friday) will bring what you make it bring.

Don't let him talk you around.

you are strong, you can do this. If you don't do it now, you'll just go through more of this until you are here again or worse still have a breakdown! You owe yourself more 🌷

Morning thank you @SummerFrog2026 yep I owe it to myself to get a grip and sort this out. I feel a bit sick and nervous this morning, no words have been exchanged since last night, no messages.
My friend likened it to a woman leaving a panty liner, sanitary towel or bloody face cloth around for a man to see, pick up and smell. Drips on the loo seat. Who would even do that or put up with it? Not anyone i know.
It's easier said than done to do what I am doing in real life but I am going to do it. I need to start the process and however long it takes and how hard it is I need to stick to this. The situation won't change.

It's not like leaving menstrual blood around as while that is gross and off putting, it's not unsanitary in the way faeces is. Faeces spreads disease, blood is just a bit grim.

Agree, it was a comparison to just how disgusting and ignorant it would be if I did that for a week every month.

True. And how many women would actually do this? We are so socialised to hide our natural bodily functions (rightly!!) whereas men seem too often to think it's fine to impose them on other people - skid marks, smells etc.

He sounds selfish or mentally ill.

I'm not sure what to say about a grown man who is happily walking around smelling like shit and ignoring your feelings about the matter.

Have you sat him down and explained to him that this is impacting your relationship with him? That you are losing respect for him?

Done all that many times @SassyButClassy works for a bit then the same again. X

Some people are just rotten. If his standards are poor as an adult I can’t see him changing. Poor you. No one should live with that filth.

I know it's only day one but I have held my resolve. I'm out with the dogs and he's taken the decision to leave work and come home. I feel numb and I won't back down today.

I'm sorry.

My DH is a neat freak about his home, and his appearance, and would be mortified if I told him I'd lost respect for him or thought he was disrespecting me so I can't even give you the benefit of experience.

I know you love him so I hope someone can come along and give you some good advice.

No advice except well done in deciding it's over. You are worthy of respect, you are worthy of having a clean toilet/flannel. You are worthy enough to have a clean partner. Do not accept anything less

Makes me feel sick just reading about it, you poor thing OP. Deffo LTB territory.

I feel so sick just now, even if he is in crisis I cannot do this again. I want to protect myself for once in a long time.

That’s skanky and you shouldn’t have to put up /deal/clean that

I would apply for divorce. Once you do , you have to wait 20w before you can do anything. Which is soooooooo annoying and why divorce takes 9/10mths even if not contested

It sounds like he’s completely given up on looking after himself, and it’s not your job to look after a grown man. You’re not his mum. MH issues or not, it’s his responsibility to get help for himself if he needs it. You’re doing the right thing. A grown man at bare minimum should be able to properly wash and dress himself in clean clothes that he knows how to wash and iron. We expect some of this from small children (getting washed, teeth brushed) and from teens we’d expect all of that.

I’m a firm believer that anyone in a relationship needs to have respect for themselves and their partner. Without that, you can have all the love and kindness in the world, but without respect, heartbreaking as it is, it just won’t work. And I don’t blame you for not being able to respect him. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t take care of their hygiene.

Make a concrete plan. It will help you keep your resolve, and clear your mind.

Decide how many days or weeks you will give him to leave. Tell him the deadline.
Then don't back down. Keep reminding him of the deadline.
When the day arrives, if he hasn't moved out, change the locks (discuss in advance with landlord if needed), and put his stuff on the doorstep in bin bags.
You may be horrified at the idea now, but if you give him a reasonable time frame, say 4 or 6 weeks, and he doesn't go, then drastic steps are needed.
Hopefully it won't come to that, but make a plan, and stick to it.

Close any joint bank accounts. Get all bills put in your name only. Cancel any you don't want (like TV subs).

If he has a lot of stuff, consider paying for a month's storage in a self-store place, plus removals, then tell him if he has a month to either retrieve it all or pay the storage himself.

It's horrifying that some people see period blood as gross. It's blood, FFS. Shit on the other hand, that's gross, and dangerous.

Update is that he has spoken to the GP and will see the MH nurse next week. I am not swayed as this is long overdue for me to do this.