Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her.
Fuck that shit for a start.
Get copies of all his financial stuff and go to see a divorce lawyer.

He’s lied, and has continued to lie. The trust has gone. Plus he expects you to have empathy for him as he misses her! What a kn.b!

I was going to say it was just a crush, but it looks like a bit more than that. And if she's married as well, it's more than an "added complication" but it seems a bit OTT to throw away a long-standing marriage with children involved. But no, you certainly should NOT feel empathy for him! He's trying to make himself the victim.

I couldn’t trust anything that he says is true, he’s already been caught out on two lies.

Sorry to say this, he’s already in deep with her. Big hugs OP

It's very telling that he thinks the fact she is married is a " complication" but he obviously doesn't value his own marriage to view that as a " complication". What a total slap in the face for you OP.

He has lied to you and continues to lie: you won't have heard the truth of what has happened.

I'm so sorry but i don't think there is any coming back from this. He has stepped away from your marriage. You need to seek legal advice re divorce.

In my experience and i dare say others will agree they always minimise what has actually happened. My x spent a year telling me he had made peace with what he had done while still cheating on me. The only thing he had done was changed her name in his his phone and moved the conversations to a hidden folder. As for feeling sorry for him what an absolute wanker. Sorry to say his probably lying to you. Everything from now on is about you. He cant be trusted.

"He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her)."

Ugh. What a nasty, pathetic man.

"I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging."

There is absolutely no way your relationship with him should continue.

Walk away, like yesterday.

You can guarantee this is minimisation and you only have the partial truth. Your marriage is over. Take control and walk away, don’t let them traumatise you by constantly putting pressure on your judgement to sniff out the lies

Yeah, that part particularly stung - he hasn’t even said sorry - just plays the victim.

Sounds like the kind of lies my ex came up with as he gradually drip fed me information about the affair he was having. Mention of the word 'love' is a huge give away that this is more than a short term or passing thing. Tell him to move out as fornyou a relationship ceases to be one that works for you when the other person is or thinks they may be in love with someone else.

I think that too - plus surely there has been something physical if he misses her that much?!

Yep, no thought for me whatsoever! I wonder if her husband knows he’s seen as a “complication”

I think you’re right and he has been having a full on affair.

He's a liar and a cheat who is turning full on DARVO to play the victim.

IMO this is an absolute marriage breaker - he’s lied he’s cheated and the trust is gone.

To make matters worse, he also had a big work event recently, which he told me was work only. Turns out he invited 5 of his friends and this other woman…stayed out til 2am!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Even if he cut all ties, could you forgive or trust him again?

This may sound stupid but does the other woman know how into her he is or is more one sided? Not that it makes it any better of course.

You would like to think his mates would have pulled him up on it if they noticed anything but then again ‘some men’ huh!

He’s only thinking of himself, her marriage is a “complication” yours doesn’t even seem to figure in his head. He wants empathy from you, his wife - who’s just been blindsided by finding out about him being unfaithful. The man is selfish, thoughtless and seems to have forgotten that he’s married too, with children of his own.

What does he think is going to happen going forward? that you gracefully retreat into the background with the kids and let him shoot his shot with Ms Limerence, wait around to see if it works out clutching your heaving breast at the thought of “maybe winning him back from her.” In the heat of the moment it’s easy for everyone else to say tell him to get to fuck but that’s not the reality for you. I hope you’ve got someone to talk to in real life. Take care of yourself and your kids, he’s not going to.

I asked him this because I was curious too - he said that they had spoken about how they feel about each other, that they both like each other and haven’t felt like this for someone in ages! Apparently also spoke about our sex life…delightful

Completely agree. He's a pathetic shit.

I agree 100%. Really sorry but don’t be taken for an idiot. He sounds like an utter tool. Unfortunately he will probably only wake up when it all breaks down and the husband finds out. Find a partner who respects you & his children, in the future.

What a wanker, you deserve so much better than to be treated like this. How dare he.

let the rubbish take itself out. It will be hard there’s no question about that but you will come out the other side.

Completely agree. I suggested we separate and him move out and he was completely shocked - said that we should carry on living together (with me doing everything like usual) and I assume in his twisted reality he was going to carry on with her - I have zero clue what goes on in his head

So sorry OP, I know this is devastating, but I think there's no way this isn't physical. He's having a full blown affair, and it sounds like he intends to continue with it.

The OW will still be on his phone but as Mum or Colin or something.
I'd put money on it being full affair.

I'd be doing sweet FA for him other than giving him his marching orders.