Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

I’d start by going no contact with your parents and getting therapy for such a difficult childhood. You’re breaking the cycle OP, well done. But constant exposure to your parents doesn’t sound helpful for you. It’s not your kids you resent, it’s your parents.

Sorry just seen therapy not an option. Reduce or eliminate contact with parents and focus on your own lovely family

You and my mother. She felt she was an excellent mother as she didn't beat us, like she was.
Go get yourself some support to deal with your childhood before it impacts your children.
Edit to add there are lots of free resources out there, chat gpt is lots of people's free therapist. Take the time and concentrate on your own past and behaviours. The teenage years are coming and they will make all this so much worse if you don't tackle it now.

It's your family that are causing you to be upset - not your kids. Don't take your resentment out on them, you're doing a great job in breaking the bad patterns you grew up with.

I definitely don't feel like am excellent mother!! I feel like a terrible mother.

Thanks so much for the replies and kindness!

I should have said no contact isn't an option. My dad is dead, and he was the violent addict so there's no danger of physical harm, which would be the only circumstances where no contact might be an option.

Deal with it in therapy so it doesn't impact your kids. Your parents sound awful, think you'll probably get the to conclusion you need to avoid them but it's your decision to make. Well done for putting in the work to be a better parent than you had.

You have broken the cycle of abuse meted out to you by your parents because you have the insight to realise their treatment of you was wrong. Your parents have likely never apologised nor have taken any responsibility for their actions.

Drop the rope they hold out to you here and make yourself far less available to your parents going forward. With you out if the frame hopefully your parents along with favoured brother and sister will turn against each other.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point. You may also want to contact NAPAC as they are helpful now adult children abused in childhood. Do read and or post on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

I've had therapy and am getting EMDR with NHS. I don't hit my kids or shout at them or play favourites. I was just hoping there might be people who had similar childhoods, and similar feelings, who found a way to take more enjoyment from their kids having the freedom and confidence to misbehave. If that makes sense? Like, I know it's a good thing but I feel afraid (like as if my dad is still alive and will hit my kids or something) and also like a failure because my mum thinks I'm too lenient and a terrible mum

I understand but your mother was his secondary abuser and enabler. She chose to stay and stayed with him for her own reasons, nothing whatsoever to do with her children.

Blimey, harsh responses!

But I don’t think this is particularly shocking - we are the generation encouraged to do better for our own children, directed to Phillipa Perry’s mawkish book if we feel impatient or annoyed but weren’t given the same grace by our own parents.

I think it is more common than you might think. I regularly think I’d have been smacked for some of the things my children do but my grandmother used to complain my brother and I were spoilt so thus it continues.

I think try to do what suits you as a family rather than being sucked into any thoughts about how it should be, positive or otherwise. I recently bought my DD a Yoto player hang been lured by adverts of children sitting enchanted listening to stories and songs. But she stuck a card in then yanked it out then proceeded to do the same with the other cards and then got angry. It’s a great little device, I’d have been thrilled with it at her age but I’m sure she’ll grow into it!

If anyone is a terrible mother here it’s your own
mother. She may feel sad etc but she has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. Such types don’t.

Am glad you are getting some NHS help. Your mother never sought nor wanted to seek the necessary help.

I understand your feelings completely. I look at how wonderful my children’s childhood is compared to mine and whilst I am so happy that is the case I sometimes feel irritated at how little is expected of them and how lovely their life is and despite this they will whine or complain about my expectations of tidying up their toys or doing homework. I remind myself that this isn’t their fault, it’s because I have done something incredibly difficult and broken the pattern. They feel able to behave like this because they don’t have any fear of me and that is an amazing thing to be able to say when you have grown up with that fear yourself. Be proud of what you have achieved and when you find yourself feeling restful remember they have the space to behave the way they do because they are not frighted of you or neglected by you

Your mother had a choice when it came to her children and she chose to inflict similar as what was done to her. Her best was not good enough and if you find her too difficult for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your children too.

You have chosen therapy and to behave differently. You likely think what would mum do/say and do the opposite.

In addition you’re now further expected by mother and her two favoured feckless offspring to do the care work That needs to be a hard no.

I am so shocked my own children eat smoked salmon and go to golf , karate , swimming and dance. I know I feel delighted they don’t know what it’s like to wear coats that are flimsy and shoes that don’t fit. I am so happy they live this life a million miles away from
mine but it makes me feel sad for the childhood I had. . It makes me realise my parents were lazy and selfish. DH is very middle class and this is all very run of the mill for him but I will always remember a very miserable and upsetting childhood .

im sorry for your pain . You are a great mum.
I think when your children misbehave you just think of the privilege they have and it seems frustrating xxx

OP, I agree with other posters that you understandably feel a lot of resentment toward your parents of how you were treated in childhood and what you missed out on; and that's getting mixed up with your feelings about your own kids and how you parent.
A suggestion: every time these feelings come up try and ask yourself: is this anger/sadness about my children or is it really about my family of origin?

Something that stands out is that you sound still quite enmeshed with your mother and sister. Am I right in understanding from your post that you're expected to clean, help, be 'mum' etc when you're at your mother's house, when your sister who doesn't work or have children isn't expected to do anything? If so I really recommend stepping back from that if you can; and you'll need to try and smile and nod at the inevitable judgy comments and not take them on. People will NOT like you setting boundaries, but that's exactly why you need to start doing it.
Second, you may still be trying to make up for what you missed out on growing up in order to get your mother's approval for how you parent, how much you do for others. In adulthood this may sadly be a lost cause.
I suggest looking around you and reflecting on what others you care about think of you. Like, does your partner think you're doing a good job with your kids? Do your friends, other family, colleagues? Do the kids' teachers?
Third, ask yourself: in 10-20 years, how will my kids look back on their childhood? .... If you like the answer, you're doing a good job. Grannys entitled to her opinion but you've chosen how you parent and the only people who ultimately get a say in that are you, their father, and your children.

Op, i also think you should be reducing contact with your mother, and possibly extended family, as much as possible.

In the meantime, i think you need to reframe things re your own children. I did not have an abusive childhood but my children definitely have more than I did, and we do not expect as much from.them.ito chores etc. So sometimes, when they are moaning I am completely gobsmacked.

But I remind myself that actually, this is normal, and probably healthy. Children are, by nature, self centered and not terribly empathetic. Part of my job is to teach them not to be. I moaned and whined about the chores I had to do too. We had less money so although I didnt moan, I also always wanted MORE.

As a parent, I do what my parents did, just with different contexts. I explain why some people have more and others don't. I remind them that we can and should be grateful for what we have. I tell them that contributing to the smooth running of our home is what healthy families do.

Then I repeat myself x100, weekly! 🤣🤣🤣.
But also Taking satisfaction when I see progress is being made. (Ds cleaned up,.fully, after a sleepover last week. Compared to.3 sleepovers ago where I called him and made him come home when I walked through the door to complete chaos after the had got up and gone to play football and left the whole of downstairs in a tip!)

Oh and - one thing you can start doing is prioritising your own needs in very small ways. For example buying yourself small treats; finding half an hour to do something you enjoy; getting away for a bath or quiet time.... it's easier to stop doing so much for your family of origin if you believe you're worthy of being taken care of, and the place to start is by caring for yourself.

Why isn’t a no contact an option?

I think the future looks pretty bleak for our children: geopolitical instability and the rise of war, climate crises and its myriad impacts. A shrinking work environment, issues with being able to be independent, buy property etc. Give them happiness while you can.

Sweetheart, as everyone has said, it's likely your mother and sister you feel (very justified) resentment towards. A PP came up with an excellent suggestion to think who you're really annoyed with when you start feeling resentful.

Also, kids can be irritating when they whine and protest. It's part of their learning curve! So some frustration on your side is very natural.

As well as that, it's okay - it's good to expect children to clean up after themselves and help out a bit in the house (age-appropriate tasks). It's very good for them. Whining is,part of the process if learning but it's by far the best for their development in the long run, to turn them into independent people who pull their weight.

I can completely understand where you’re coming from OP, ignore some of the goady posts on here. There are two things to take away from this:

1. You have broken the cycle of abuse, which is a massive achievement

2. Your children feel comfortable and confident enough in your love and their lives to not be 100% compliant or perfect - that is also a massive achievement

Children who are brought up in difficult circumstances where love very much is conditional are often subdued, quiet and compliant. Because they have to be. A bit of spirit is no bad thing (within limits of course) as it often demonstrates a sense of comfort and confidence that love will not be taken away.

In terms of feeling like you’ve had to do all the caring your whole life, that is very valid, and you now need to apply that to yourself. What would the child @Blueyrocks want to do? To achieve? Where would she have wanted to go? What hobbies would she have liked? Make some time for yourself, you need it. Be the parent you would have wanted, and treat yourself with the care and time you give and show your children.

I agree with a number of other posters, but wanted to add something: don’t dismiss abuse simply because it’s not physical. Emotional abuse can be equally damaging, and it sounds like this is something you are still experiencing with your mother (and sister?) Is this something you want your children exposed to? Even if it’s not directed at them, it’s not good for them to see it directed at you. Add in the fact that of course you resent it, and that this is affecting your relationship with your children, and something there needs to change.

I actually don't mean this to be flippant but people have been saying 'you don't know you're born' for centuries and this is what that feeling is. Of course we want our kids to have a better time than we did. Of course we feel a pang that they don't know they're getting it!

I know you've ruled out therapy but a bit of self care would help you. Be nice to child-you now by being nice to grown-up you. You can be nice to yourself in all different ways, even just congratulating yourself for being such a lovely mum, which you do sound like.

For some reason you're choosing to continue to be abused by your mother and your children are collateral damage in that.

You need to get away from your abuser. Your children need a mother who is at least starting to heal and you're not giving them that, you're giving them a mother who is going back to be kicked, over and over.