Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

It might well be cult-like. Toxic families operate like a cult, regardless of whether or not the cult has a name.

OP, as the always-doing-the-caring person you have been brought up to be, you might think that you need to respond to all posters on your thread. This is your reminder that this is your thread and you can ignore anyone who is not helping, not reading your earlier replies etc etc

It is fine and this can happen to anyone. Breaking the chain of abuse is necessary and a requirement for many. If you have done that then this itself is an achievement. Give yourself time and understand yourself better for the sake of your wellbeing and your children's wellbeing.

My childhood wasn’t as abusive as yours was, but I feel I can relate to the displaced fear if your children misbehave. If I’m understanding you correctly, it’s a feeling that a normal thing like misbehaving, takes on a whole other dimension as you see it through the lens of your inner child. And it can make us feel annoyed with kids displaying those behaviours, as anger is easier to access than feeling vulnerable and scared.

My mum was/is a real people pleaser and I’ve had situations where I’ve found myself pressurising my kids to be nice, even if a child is not being nice to them, and seen how it comes from a place of fear in me. Like a deep sense of ‘if someone doesn’t like you, it’s dangerous’. I think I have enough insight now to mostly prevent myself acting out of it, but it does get through sometimes. I’ve had times where I’ve apologised later and said I was wrong, like you do. I think it’s good to really be determined to accept and care for yourself, like thinking ‘I’m doing a pretty good job when I didn’t have much of a role model for how to do this’. Some research says children need you to be tuned in and caring 70% of the time, if so they can tolerate the dodgy 30% where we get it wrong, but more than that isn’t good. I cling on to that!

Yes! Displaced fear is such a helpful description, thank you!! And I think you're right, anger is easier to access or something. Fear would mean thinking about what would have happened to me, which I don't like thinking about!

OP, with kindness, I don’t think you resent your kids- honestly, you don’t sound like you could resent anyone ever - you have a ready excuse for every single person who miss treats you.
I think what you feel is grief for your childhood. You see what their childhood is like realise that yours was nothing like it, that as much as parenting is tough, you are not making the same choices your parents have and it’s not impossible…and you grieve but there’s a huge part of you that will not let you feel anger towards anyone other than yourself, so you see your kids being kids, not being parentified or abused and you feel anger..but it doesn’t make sense, so the best you can make of it is that maybe you resent your kids. You don’t- sometimes you’re just tired and overwhelmed and exhausted and sometimes that can make you angry, as it does anyone, it’s ok to feel all the feels - it’s just important that you don’t take it out on the kids, which I don’t think you would. It’s ok to feel angry at your parents and at your husband- it will not make you a bad person, it will not “break” everything, but it might just heal you.
I think you do need more therapy, I think you need talking therapy with a clinical psychologist specialising in attachment and childhood trauma - you don’t need to solve the now, you need to resolve the past.
You can choose to support your mother, you can even understand her trauma - at the same time as admitting that she was complicit in your abuse, that you feel failed as she didn’t protect you and expected way too much of you.
You can choose to stay with your husband - but please stop thinking that not even shouting at you for 2yrs makes it all ok - you deserve better and deserve more - not because of your trauma, not because of taking care of everyone else, not because you are doing your best every single day (whatever that best looks like at any given point) but because you are a human being that deserves to feel loved, cherished and be happy.

But as part of your healing you need to address the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) buttons that your parents installed in you. And that is also where therapy comes in. Have a read of the website entitled out of the fog.

Barkygoldie

People pleasing often arises from wanting to parent please an otherwise emotionally unavailable parent. It is in itself an unhealthy behaviour .

I understand what you mean. In the past kids had to adjust to parents' lives. However, in the last 20 years, parents' (or more mums') lives have become child-centric and we are expected to cater to all our children's expectations to develop them and in general to make them happy.
My childhood was so different than my kids' childhood. I was nearly 6 when I had to stay at home alone while my little sister was napping upstairs. It was only 3 hours a day between my dad's starting his shift and and my mom finishing her office job, but I remember crying a lot. Parents bought me a tape recorder with Gulliver's Travels to play on repeat.
Today my parents are telling me they simply had no choice and had to work and they couldn't find any childcare and they needed money for us to survive (no benefit system back then in a post-Communist country).
I have a 5 year old now and I can't imagine leaving him at home alone with his 11 year old brother even for 30 minutes.
When I was small school day was shorter, 8-12 or 9-1. When we finished our lessons, we just walked home alone from the age of 7, opened the door with the key in our school bag, ate whatever bread was there at home, watched TV, walked in the garden, kicked the ball or went to play at the neighbours'. Parent came home at 3:30pm and served late lunch and we did our homework after.
Today we just drive our kids from one activity to the other and plan their weekends so that they are properly 'developed' and entertained.
Parents had no such concerns 30-40 years ago, we went to the seaside for a week, but on the weekends we were expected to just take care of ourselves.

Yes totally agree. In my mums case she would have so much anxiety about other people liking her that she’d be oblivious to what was going on for her kids emotionally. Still is a bit. She didn’t have a great start herself. I can see it happening in me too on occasion and it’s definitely not healthy. I’ve got so many more resources than she does, and support, to help me act differently. She did the best she could.

It wasn't criticised, but families were & are supported through it. The community fills the gaps left where parents aren't able to parent. It has limits, of course, and I think it would be better to say out loud if someone is an alcoholic or whatever, rather than just working around it, but I was protected from a lot of worse stuff by the fact of belonging to that community. And so was my dad. God knows where he'd have ended up without the people around him.

Thank you so much for this kind message.

OP

Most people say that they cannot go no contact for similar reasons. If you are from a community that is closed then that in itself is not a healthy community but one full of unwritten rules and is likely also one where you are "cast out" if you do not conform. If you married outside of this community that in itself likely brought disapproval to your door. (Are we talking about the JWs?).

No-one seemingly bothered with you as a child and your mother was and remains complicit to his abuses of you all. She knew what was going on at home and she had a choice. She stayed with your late violent dad for her own reasons (and likely also due to pressure from her elders not to leave and no support) and you people as her children were collateral damage. Abuse is not just physical in nature and she failed you as she did all her children abjectly. She should not have hit you at all!!!.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You had a difficult childhood also and yet you do not choose to treat your kids abusively. Again you had a choice to make here; you could either act differently or continue the generational abuse. Toxic crap like this can and does go down the generations and in your case it has stopped at you. You chose to act differently and get help and I commend you for doing that.

Where is your family's compassion for you?. They do not deserve your excuses nor pity; they are not worthy to tie your shoes. There is no compassion for you from any of your family of origin and you're supposed to put up and shut up. You're further supposed now to become your mother's carer in her dotage as they cannot be asked. Do not do that to yourself.

I don't mean to imply it's unique, just that there's specific details that might change how people respond.

But I am trying to take on board what everyone is saying and I am really grateful that people are taking time to respond and share their perspectives on this.

I had a similar childhood, zero love or cuddles and plenty of chores. But I’ve gone completely the other way - it is my life’s mission to be a better Mum and for my DC to have a better start than me.

I’m no pushover and I’ve always been pretty strict about the big stuff, but they know we have their backs and without question that we will do whatever we can for them to have a better life than us. As they get a bit older share with them some of the realities of your childhood. Spare them all the gory details of you want, but for example I am quite open that the reason I’m so affectionate with DC is that my Mum never hugged us or told us she loved us - ever, so that’s why I try to be different. DSIS is exactly the same with her kids.

Your dad should have gone to prison for what he did. Was he protected by this community?. Closed communities tend to be closed minded and protect their own often at great cost to those on the receiving end of being abused.

Sorry but I can't agree with this. My dad did do time in jail, as have many men in my community. He should not have gone to prison for what he did. My dad was a victim too, in his childhood. My brother who was physically abused by him would agree wholeheartedly. We do protect our own, at some cost, but for a net gain to individuals and the community. I feel quite strong about that - prison has a long and bad history in my community.

I still think its a defense. You have experienced awful abuse and by default victims find it impossible to detach themselves. But I will stop now as I also know this would be a very long road and there are many, many steps in between.

You might want to become familiar with topics like cptsd and emotional immaturity as well as nervous system regulation to see what applies. Therapy is hugely beneficial with the right therapist, but there are small realisations we can come to by ourselves just by learning and reflecting and challenging ourselves just a little bit (in response to your concern what you might want to pass on to your kids without being aware).

Just do yourself and your kids a favour and don't become irrationally resentful at them. There is a term many therapists use: if it's hysterical it is historical. That means that if you feel you become irrationally angry at someone today the wound probably lies in the past, often in childhood from our main caregivers. Your babies do not make you angry dear, it is all old anger from the past. Write it down if you like. Write a letter to your parents without ever sending it to them.

The FOG is strong in this one I think.

So you all enable the abusers. That is exactly what you describe. You can have compassion for your dad as a child and still think his behaviour towards you was not good enough and should not have happened.

What exactly does the individual and community gain by protecting abusive men, for example?

Protecting your own?. What does this community need protecting from?. The outside world?. Protectiveness can be overrated (it's not like you are all going to get eaten by tigers!) and is also not a virtue.

Your late father chose to do the same to his children as was likely done to him. He chose the low road by choosing to abuse and or otherwise lash out. He never wanted to seek nor actively sought the necessary help. And if he broke the law he should have gone to jail and he did.

You had no voice in your childhood and your mother was also complicit in the abuse. She hit you all and there is no justification or excuse acceptable for their abuses of you all. She may be sorry etc but that does not mean to say she is somehow not accountable because she has had a hard childhood. You had a bloody hard childhood at their hands!.

Many people also have tough lives and yet they do not go onto abuse their children when they are parents . Abuse cuts across all classes and creeds and is no respecter of persons.

Sometimes I get a pang of this. I treat it like a wee red flag to do some self care. It only ever happens when I am stressed. 99.9% of the time I am super proud that my children have every different life to mine.

If that .1% is triggered, I am on a low ebb, it is nothing to do with my children. Yes, they are really privileged in comparison to my childhood. I work my fucking arse off to make it so! I am doing what I believe to be my best, so sometimes I pause and try to work out who owns that voice. It is always one of my toxic parents.

I hear this, and I see your experience. Mine was the same. I think it’s ok to acknowledge you feel envy towards your children, in fact I think it’s healthy to acknowledge it.
therapy might be possible for you via a low cost service. It will help, honestly. I have had years of therapy and it has changed my life.
sending warmth and support from a stranger on the internet

That's not really what I mean, but I'm not sure if you're trying to get me to see it this way. I am taking it all on board. But my dad was tortured by the police (I mean literally, not harassed but physically tortured). Protecting men from that makes it less likely they'll be abusive addicts.

I know he shouldn't have hit us or all of that, I don't mean to justify that. Just, trying to understand it and explain a bit about the context.

I agree with lots of this of course.