Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

Thank you all so much, so many helpful and kind replies. To answer some questions,

• I can't go no contact with my mum/ family. I've posted about this before and it's difficult to explain, not sure I can put it in a way people will understand, but im from a community that's quite closed, and quite traditional and a bit patriarchal I suppose. It is also brilliant in so many ways, and I love it. It's a huge part of my identity. But I married outside it. My family is my primary link to it. And family is very important in my community. I'd be judged very harshly for cutting mum off. I'd lose a lot of my own place in the community.

• My mum isn't abusive, she's not really hit me a lot even when I was a kid. She can be quite critical and she didn't protect us from dad, but the risks/ costs to her would have been huge so I try not to judge her too harshly.

• my brother's are both good people. My sister is difficult, but that's just because she had a difficult childhood. I don't want to be resentful of this. I want to have more compassion for her.

I mostly love that my kids (hopefully) have a nice childhood. I get so much pleasure from buying them nice clothes and listening to them sing along to whatever music they chose on long drives and all of that.

I will look into more therapy. I will also think about the stuff people have said about being a nice "parent" to myself - this is so lovely.

I see what you're saying, but i definitely am better than I was. I've done so much to try to be better because I do know that I was harmed by my childhood. I've had therapy and even being able to say the things I've said here is big progress for me.

My mum isn't abusive. And my kids get a lot of benefits from being part of my family and community.

To quote my teenage DD when she rolled her eyes at me and I told her that I would have had a slap across the face if I had done the same to my parents:

”just because you had abusive parents, don’t expect me to be grateful that you’re a normal parent”.

But I get you OP. Having kids certainly drags up feeling that have been long buried. It’s hard and doesn’t get any easier as your kids get older.

You sound like a great Mum to me

Wow. Your DD sounds amazing! And she makes a good point!!

Stop seeing your mum so much. She’s keeping you stuck in this loop

I sort of get it. I see my kids doing way better in every way than I was at the same age, socially, emotionally, academically. Because I have given them better than I had, but I don’t resent it I’m actually quite proud of it. But I do feel sadness for little me sometimes that I didn’t get the same. Kids with safe, emotionally intelligent parents do have such a leg up in life and whilst it’s difficult to accept you didn’t, there really is nothing you can do except ensure you provide it to your children.

OP I found having my children enormously triggering. It's normal for people who have experienced a difficult childhood I think. Particularly at moments in their childhood where you experienced particular trauma at the same age.

Having children enormously destabilised my relationship with my mother, as I finally understood the magnitude of what she did when she abandoned me and my sister as young children. I had never really processed it until I was contemplating it from 'the other side' as it were.

I think maybe the idea of dealing with your feelings towards your parents (or your mother, as she is your remaining parent) is so frightening to you that you are projecting that anger onto your children instead because that feels safer. Not surprising really as you were never made safe as a child - confronting your abusers will still be terrifying psychologically.

Luckily you're self aware which is half the battle. Too many people play out these dramas in a fog of denial. handing the abuse down to the next generation. Use that self-knowledge to do better. Re-parent yourself through your children; when they are pushing your buttons and you get that rising, almost panicky anger, that "you don't know you're born" feeling, try and take a breath and see your little self, think how much you deserved the care and patience you are showing, and give it to them as if you were giving it to that little girl.

It's not always easy, and you won't always get it right. Sometimes you'll snap and get it wrong. That's human. Apologise to them - in an age appropriate way, obviously, but one of the most hurtful things about childhood abuse/neglect is the lack of acknowledgment - the dogged insistence by the abusers that it 'wasn't that bad' or 'didn't happen like that'. So when you get it wrong, own it out loud and commit to doing better - without implying you are going to be perfect.

That's my advice of course, and if I could reliably follow it myself I'd be a great mother :P

I can’t relate to this at all. I had a deeply abusive childhood, deeply, and my focus was on not being like them. I am proud of the fact I did the opposite to them and my daughter had a great child hood and we are very close as an adult.

i can’t imagine, genuinely, being resentful or jealous of my own child’s childhood and thinking I never got my turn.

for me it was all about I will never be like them. I am better than them. And I am. And yes I am no contact.

That's amazing, well done! I'm sorry you had such a bad childhood. Can I ask, did you never doubt yourself/ how did you know you were doing it right? I don't want to be like my parents in all ways but they weren't wholly bad. And I have pretty low self esteem so I doubt myself, esp when my kids are being rude or something. L

I also don't feel better than my parents at all. I feel like I'm exactly the same. Like tainted by genetic failings or something.

No-one knows they're doing it right.

I had a good childhood, in the main. My Dad was a bit disinterested in family life, and cheated on my Mum a bunch, but my Mum was an absolutely fantastic parent.

But that doesn't mean I'm automatically a good parent. You never "know" you're doing the right thing as a parent. You hope you are, but being a parent means constantly doubting whether you're doing the right thing. Yes, I can look at the way my Mum parented me and my brother and think "OK, thats what she'd do". But I still wouldn't know thats the right thing to do, because she was parenting us, not my daughter. She's her own unique person, and brings her own unique challenges when it comes to knowing how to parent her.

I know this isn't the question you asked, but I just wanted to try and reassure you that you're not a bad parent because you feel out of your depth sometimes. Thats just what parenting is.

I wouldn't focus too much on how your DC's childhood is better - that's subjective and your DC will have their own issues to attend therapy for as a result of your parenting. Instead focus on dealing/managing/processing your thoughts regarding your own childhood experiences, there are lots of books out there 💐

I felt like this! For a while. My kids are nearly grown now and I’m so proud of myself. I broke the cycle, our family is warm and loving, my kids are doing well. I love the advice to be kinder to yourself, and if you don’t want to reduce contact with your family, try just being a lot crapper at taking care of them, give automatic empathic noises without engaging properly, always volunteer for the jobs that get you going out for the thing, and take the piss a bit, be slow coming back. Get some earbud headphones and cover them with your hair and listen to things that entertain you when they’re being boring. Shift your energy away from them.

I know what you mean. For me it's not resentment, it's actually jealousy. Sometimes I look at my kids being all loved and happy and carefree and I literally just feel jealous. Having them made me realise what a loss it is to have had a miserable childhood.

Your feelings won’t hurt your children and no one should feel bad for having them. Suppressing them, shaming yourself for feeling them etc - that’s where the trouble lies. Name them to yourself, accept that you deserved better. I used to talk to an imaginary perfect mother/fairy godmother sometimes. Whatever gets you through.

My mum isn't abusive, she's not really hit me a lot even when I was a kid. She can be quite critical and she didn't protect us from dad, but the risks/ costs to her would have been huge so I try not to judge her too harshly.

You keep saying your mum isn’t abusive yet you say she didn’t really hit you a lot (which implies she did sometimes) and she didn’t protect you from physical violence! She sounds part of the abuse. Regardless of the cost to her she is your mum and should have protected you. By you keep sweeping her part of the abuse under the carpet and ignoring it that won’t help you get over your feelings

You are already being better than your parents because you are reflecting on your impact on your children.

Relationships with parents are so complicated and feelings about your childhood are amplified once you have children of your own.

I’ve spent a long time thinking about my childhood since I had children. I’ve thought about stuff my parents did that were really, really terrible. So terrible that I’m NC with them now.

But it’s ok to recognise they did some things right. E.g. my awful narcissistic father did actually raise me to have enormous belief in myself and that I could achieve anything I wanted to. Also, some of the awful things they did has actually helped me in life in some ways. E.g. their neglect means I’m extremely independent and self-sufficient.

So I have taken these good things and applied them to my own children. I don’t do the neglect and abuse bits obviously, but I try to not do everything for them to make them independent, and I fill them with the ambition my dad instilled in me.

You feel like that because underneath your adult exterior, you still have an inner little child who feels angry, but being resentful will not change your childhood.

You won't get the appreciation you might want from your children yet, because they have no way of understanding the value of their childhood. They don't have the life experience or adult minds to do that, yet. They will likely develop this once they get to their mid 20s or older. There's not point going on about your childhood to them now, if you're tempted, because it's just too soon for them to get it and fully emparhise with you.

Rather than feeling resentful and self-pitying, try to develop a sense of satisfaction from the fact that you have given them a better environment, even though they don't realise it yet.

Sounds like you’re pretty full of resentment about your entire life @Blueyrocks

The answer is to go no contact with your vile mother and fuck the “community”. If you won’t do that I’m not sure there’s much else.

I used to have PTSD flashes when my children were younger and I was stressed/not coping - flashbacks to abuse from my childhood. It does mean that at times would feel resentful and angry my children didn’t appreciate everything I was doing to give them a different, safer, secure childhood until I realised they are not obliged to feel grateful that they are safe, loved and not abused. That should have been a given.

In the end I did have some therapy - there are plenty of free options that you can get via the GP. 6 sessions of talking therapy that you can self refer for in my area and the GP can refer you for CBT etc. You can also speak to your health visitor who can signpost you to free counselling services. I really would recommend it.

I also did go NC with my mother - before children in fact because it peaked around the time of the wedding - but the residual stuff came to ahead as my kids kicked off. I would find myself crying in frustration, having locked myself in the WC, only for it to dawn on me that I was doing this so that I didn’t lash out or swear or abuse them. Ie, that this was actually a good thing… and then I would cry some more because I didn’t understand why my mother hadn’t been able to love me enough to self censor/self regulate. Going NC wasn’t enough - you need to talk it through and be reminded that you are enough, that you are loveable, that your kids are lucky to have you.

You owe it to yourself to speak to your GP and HV to see what you can access for free and start that healing process too.

You're not tainted by genetic failings but you are unwilling to protect yourself and your children. Deep down you know it which is why you consider yourself to be a bad parent.

It is not the case that you can't move away from the community, it's that you won't. Own it.

*). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married.*who by?

an unhappy mum full of resentment doesn’t make for a happy childhood.

What’s your relationship like?

Erm. Not at all. Just felt something today that I've felt on and off a bit recently and don't like feeling. Like I said, I love my kids, and I love my community. I feel very lucky in so many ways. I just don't feel like I'm good enough for my kids.