Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

Don't feel lost or stupid at all. I've pm'd you 💐

Really sorry to hear about your experience. My mum definitely judges me for my parenting and I think it's possible she feels something like nostalgia for something she could have had, but I don't get any enjoyment from how she feels or from parenting around her. I just feel anxious and afraid.

Definitely all went downhill for me after my first was born. I have had therapy and will get more. I'm glad you're doing so well!

I realise lots of people think there's something badly wrong with the community loyalty thing, and I'm really sorry if I'm being dense by not seeing the problem - I am trying to understand.

“I’m finding it difficult to breathe”

”Yes, that’s because your head keeps getting pulled underwater”

”But I love swimming”

”Yes but you’re drowning”

”No, the water isn’t the problem. The problem is the breathing”

“No, the problem is that you’re drowning”

”You don’t understand. Swimming is part of my identity”

”Why not swim somewhere other than this whirlpool then?”

”This whirlpool is really important to me. The way the water moves has lots of positives”

”Yes but it’s drowning you”

”I keep telling you, the water isn’t not the problem, it’s the breathing that’s the problem”

You're angry at your parents, not your children

This is so true, it’s not your kids it’s your parents

Totally agree with everyone who's said I resent my parents not my kids. Thank you all for posting and helping me process all of this. I've had some really helpful perspective and advice, again and lots to think about.

Has OP said that her DM was an abuser and enabler?
If not, that’s a very big claim.
You have absolutely noidea why OP’s DM stayed with her DH.
Single mothers were not accepted in the past in the way they are today. Most women could not support at least 4 children on a woman’s wage which was MUCH lower than a man’s,
Please don’t make negative claims about people you don’t know.

Unfortunately, mothers are not always in a position to protect their DC from abuse, no matter how much they want to.

That doesn’t excuse the fact OPs mum was part of the abuse

The thing is, kids don’t know to be grateful for “normal”. They don’t know what you’ve been through, or what you’ve sacrificed, or how much “better” they have it. Because a happy, safe childhood is what they know, it’s their normal.
Be glad they don’t know (I know I am , and if I don’t, I remind myself of it), because you know what the alternative is.

You write like a self- appointed judge. You weren’t there and you’re not in a position to hand out judgements like that, based just on your opinion.

One didn't need to be there. Do you understand how dysfunctional families operate? The poster is right and the mother enabled, if not worse. Its part of the generational trauma. Both is true: abusers usually were once victims but that doesn't mean they don't abuse and enable if they repeat and allow the same with their children.

I think you are projecting your own hurt here.

I had parents who ignored me or blamed me for most things.
When I had my daughter I refused to treat her how my parents treated me.
For the most part, they fkd my life up due to the lack of emotional parenting.
There is an expectation that children should do age appropriate chores.
But please...and this is a big please. Choose how parenting should be. Not what you were taught.
I have a happy 16 year old because I did parenting different to my parents. She doesn't always tidy her bedroom up! But if knocked, she does.

I hate to say it but this is true. because of society, technology and the new secure standards of living, as time goes on, the children experience better times of youth. However you can stay young and find your youth in your kids lives. My mother used to play video games with us.

‘I think you are projecting your own hurt here.‘

Are you a psychologist?

Are you?

My belief is that technical terms are best left to the professionals. You can say what you want to say more convincingly without them.

I don’t know why you’re going me a ‘diagnosis’ without having met me or knowing anything about me!🤔

That's an excellent way to be dismissive and avoid facing the music.

I don’t believe I’m being dismissive. I simply have a different pov. In my pov, different perspectives can be discussed without a slanging match.
I don’t want to engage in an exchange of hostilities.

Try keeping a daily journal.

For each day you can write down the challenges you faced and how you overcame them. You can also enter the things that made you smile, and what you are grateful for. You dont have to think of something new to be grateful for every day, but youll find yourself noticing more as time goes on.

It is a cheap and easy way to parent mindfully and to start remembering that each new day is a new slate.

I want to add to the comments wishing you well and congratulating you on breaking the toxic cycle for your children.

Find a few useful mantras to keep in mind too, for when you're feeling heightened emotions.

I hope one of the things you think about is letting your mother's comments on your parenting wash right off your back. Give those comments no headspace at all. She has not earned the right to criticise your approach. You do not owe her the duty of taking her seriously.

Take some time (perhaps in a journal) to examine the idea of duty as it applies to you in your life.

@mathanxiety thank you, these are such beautiful suggestions. I have a really pretty notebook that I haven't wanted to spoil, which I will use for this.

@SixtySomething I understand what you're saying, and I agree - my mum had very limited options, even if she had been able to see the behaviour patterns as problematic, which she couldn't really because it was her normal.

It feels important to me to try to find compassion for her, or I spend too much energy on anger and resentment towards her when there's no gain or benefit.

@EwwPeople absolutely agree with this. It is a great thing that my kids think happy and safe is normal. I know this, I just when they're kicking off, sometimes forget that - how could they know they have it so good? It makes me anxious and feel like their ungrateful. But of course, they have nothing to be grateful for, it's the and minimum I should be doing for them. We've had a lovely day out, they've covered in mud and "helping" cook dinner and I feel so happy for them.