Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

I have moved away from the community. I live in a different country.

Deal with this in therapy. Stepdad smacked us a lot and apparently my mum never knew. She only hit me once as a toddler.

I meant move away in the sense of disconnecting yourself from it. I suspect you're nitpicking about words as a way of avoiding dealing with the issue.

I will add - in case no one has told you this - that if one parent is openly abusive and the other parent does nothing about it, then both parents are abusive.

Sister is supported by mum.

I'm not unhappy or "full of resentment". I'm just airing some resentment I've noticed, which I realise is an unhealthy feeling that I'd like to process.

My relationship with DH? It's great.

I know what you mean. It got to me when my eldest was 15 and was absolutely adamant that all her friends would not only be learning to drive aged 17, but that they'd all have their own cars provided by their parents.

I said that this seemed unlikely and then said how little I had as a teen - v little pocket money, expected to pay my way re going out, paid for most of my driving lessons and had to buy my 1st car. She claimed that because this happened in the 80s it didn't count.

In the end very few of her friends had their own cars gifted to them.

Op you refer to posting before and yes - you seem very unhappy and your mother is so vicious that she even causes you to self harm.

For your own sake and your children - you really shouldn’t expose yourself and certainly not them to this person .

Sorry ,I misunderstood. I don't mean to nitpick. The community thing is complicated, but I can't opt out anyway. It's part of who I am. And there are huge benefits to the community identity that my kids enjoy. And we've (as in my community) experienced a lot of discrimination and abuse, and it matters a lot to have people who understand.

I'd really appreciate it people could try to just accept that. It's hard to explain. But it's not the problem here. The problem is some unhealthy feeling that I have, that I just want to process and resolve.

How old is your sister?

Are you in the travelling community?

OP, are you absolutely sure that you resent your own children instead of being angry at your parents for how they treated you? That is where the resentment belongs. I would try and channel it that way. It really has nothing to do with your kids. I would expect you to feel sad for yourself as a child, seeing how your own children grow up. Sometimes it is hard to do because it is overwhelming and sadness and anger come out in weird ways and are placed onto people it does not belong to.

I totally understand the identity issue. My point is it's not possible to process and resolve unhealthy feelings if you keep yourself in unhealthy environments. It's equivalent of someone saying 'I want to be very healthy but I refuse to give up smoking and drinking.'

I think this is spot on. You resent your children because they're easy targets and you won't address the reality of how you parents were and how your mother is now.

I'm coming across harshly so I should add that I've grappled with this issue myself. My parents were awful - not openly abusive but very neglectful - and I've tried to maintain a connection to them as it's the only way to maintain a connection to my wider family. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that being around them really is bad for me and as long as I put myself into their presence I will continue to be thrown back into a world where I don't matter at all. It's such a hard thing to face.

People do not have to accept that. I think you are not ready to be challenged on this. Not ready to imagine a life away from it. And that is okay, it is a hard thing to do. But if half of a situation does great damage to you and the other half seems somehow beneficial it is still a bad situation.

Gosh thank you so much for this. Exactly the same for me, I never thought of my childhood as anything other than normal at all until I had kids. The thought of exposing my kids to so much violence and addiction is horrible. I obviously don't do that, but I'm so scared that I'll repeat some of the other harms.

I always apologise when I know I've screwed up, but what about all the things I don't even realise are wrong? And the resentment, when they're misbehaving - how do I judge if I'm telling them off in a "good parenting" way, or if it's coming from resentment or something?

Anyway, thank you for understanding. And yes, the minimising is awful. I still doubt myself sometimes. Then I remember some awful experience or scene and imagine subjecting my own kids to that.

Stop doing the care work for your mother. Her three other children can step up.

As others have said, ask yourself "do I resent my kids or my parents here?". It's OK to mourn the childhood you were denied.

Jesus. Easy targets? Can you be a bit gentler please. I feel a bit worn down by my kids behaviour ATM, and am struggling with the fact I'd have been beaten for it. I've taken them to the park to burn off some energy.

he broke the door to our bedroom when I'd retreated in there during an argument, and also kicked the bathroom door trying to break it open when I locked myself in there during another argument. He's called me a bitch and also a c. He's said it's awful being with me, and he wants to separate - though after things have calmed down he says that he doesn't mean this.*

on what planet is that a “great relationship”?

alongside a horrible mother who causes you to self harm, you are in a horrible and abusive relationship.

OP there is so much in your life to feel resentful about. Not your children though. Cut your mother out, so then no more self harming, and… well your husband is abusive. Fact.

I came from a very poor background but do not envy modern kids. In fact I feel sorry for the way in which they are ferried around by car from one "activity" to another by helecopter parents and taken to artificial play dates.

Parents were very hands off when I was a kid. We were free to roam, play in the street with other children, and organize our own fun. It taught us self reliance and a measure of independence which I seldom see in young people today. On the contrary I come across threads citing children in their early teens who have never travelled on public transport or made a shop purchase themselves. Then there are young adults 18 going off to uni with their parents packing for them. By age 11 I was travelling alone across the city by bus to see my grandmother and into the center to look round the shops and visit the cinema. Children now have far more in the material sense. However they are wrapped in cotton wool and poorly prepared for the harsh realities of the world.

I know they don't have to. I'm just asking. If people are not from a minority that experiences discrimination and prejudice they might not fully appreciate the importance of belonging to a community that does.

Yeah I know this makes a lot of sense. I can sort of hear my parents shout at me when my kids arw acting up

OP, you say you are in a different country. In the UK there is NHS Talkworks which is free therapy, is there anything like that where you are living now?

But the “community” you are in sounds bloody awful. I suspect it’s travellers. And I’m not surprised you feel trapped sadly.

She's early 40s