Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

I do understand where you're coming from I think. I wouldn't say I experience awful abuse but I know it wasn't something I'd want my kids to experience. And of course, you're absolutely right, it's not my kids I feel angry and resentful towards at all. I do plan to get more therapy when I have a bit more money! Thank you for posting. I am listening to what people are saying even if I'm not agreeing completely

I have wondered how much to share with my kids. On the one hand, I don't want to speak I'll of my dad as it's very easy to demonise him. On the other, I think it is better to tell the truth. I think secrets are really harmful.

I have read all the posts plus your past threads and it quite clear you are in denial (or maybe it’s fairly normal in your “community”) about the horrors you and your brother endured as children; how awful your mother is; how precarious your mental health is; and how abusive your husband is.

and as for your father - what I have read that you experienced made my jaw hit the floor.

You feel resentful because you had a diabolical childhood and you are now caring for a toxic mother (your words and i think an understatement) and an abusive husband. But you can’t seem to make the leap because of the “community”.

In your shoes, I would be eaten up with resentment

Sorry if I'm wrong but are you sure it is me you were reading about? Just I don't think I've gone into detail about what my dad did. And I don't "care" for my mum, I just do all the. Domestic work when I. Visit her. And I know my husband said some really bad thing and did stuff that was aggressive but he's not violent or controlling. My Mh Has been bad in the past but it's ok atm. Im not trying to sound naive or anything, just am genuinely not sure if you mean me.

I took positive parenting classes because I knew I didn’t want to parent like my mother. I still remember the first time that DD1 threw a toddler tantrum and I just stood there not knowing what to do. I wasn’t going to scream at her, I wasn’t going to hit her and I had absolutely no frame of reference for an alternative but I knew I don’t have a naturally permissive nature myself. I do want (need, is probably more accurate) to have children who do as told they’re told, when they’re told, no arguing, no whining. I found parenting classes changed everything for me. I took them repeatedly throughout my DDs childhoods and we always had a good relationship and still do. They’re both diagnosed with AuDHD and I think without classes I might have been an unhappy mother and it’s hard to be a good and consistent mother if you’re unhappy.

It’s you….
toxic mum
you resort to self harming when she visits

husband kicks down doors in arguments and calls you a cunt
brother hospitalised on numerous occasion due to physical abuse
you living in fear of your father’s footstep
eating disorder exacerbated by your dm constantly talking about how little she eats

I could go on

You “don’t care for your mum” ? So what did you mean by

I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit,

Oh. Ok. Yeah that is me. Sorry! I know it sounds really bad. It's all the worst stuff here cause I use MN as a sense check if that makes sense. And it's all happened over decades. It's not all always been like that but I can see it's bad when you put it like that.

I mean, I don't do daily care for her. I just do that stuff when I visit her.

OP I just came on to say you have amazing insight.

You’ve probably already read it but Philippa Perry’s book, ‘The book you wish your parents had read…’ is excellent.

It sounds bad because it reads like a horror story. Throughout childhood and now into adult hood.

You are on denial, and so entrenched in the travellers community that there is no chance of any change. So you will continue to post very disturbing threads with increasing amount of resentment.

It is no way to live. And it won’t be a happy home for your kids

And how often is that?

And also, I don't visit lots. Like maybe 3-4 times a year, for a week or so each time. I prob exaggerated that tbh, I just resent doing it for her but it's not a huge burden or anything

the toxic mum thread; the self harming; the eating disorder; the abusive husband kicking doors and name calling you - all in the last year

i will leave the thread as there’s no hope of change unless you jump ship

Because I'm scared of her and of the fallout with the rest of my family if I go "no contact". It's complicated, but I'm from a community that's kind of closed. I'm already a bit "out" because of who I married. If I cut off my mum, I lose the whole community.

honestly, this “community” is fucked up

Op

i think it’s good you are reaching out I had it hard too and I have occasionally felt sorry for myself- however I refuse to dwell on it

I don’t think you should burden your children with this information until they are young adults at least

and for someone who grew up as you did it is not unexpected that you might lose it here and there but at least you have a strong awareness of your own actions and the impact on your children

posters shaming the ops community are missing the point entirely

The community thing isn't straightforward. I can't "leave". It's not like a hobby/ religion. Sort of an ethnicity and community. All communities have rules and expectations. I'd still be part of it, but I'd lose their respect if I cut off my family

I'm not "entrenched" in any community. I've moved away, and I have talked about what happened here and to some people irl and all of that. I feel like people are hearing about my family and extrapolating to my community/ ethnicity/ culture/ whatever I should call it.

So if you’ve moved away from this ghastly community - why on earth are you bothered about being cut off from the community by no longer have anything to do with your, and I quote, “toxic mother” who resulted in you self harming within an hour of her visiting

Because it's who I am. My identity and values and history are all tied up with these people. I share their values, my belonging matters to me.

I don't see why it matters anyway. My mum can be difficult but she's not violent or anything addict. I shouldn't have said toxic, I don't remember why I said that. She's fine. My issues aren't all about her.

I think it might help if you framed this differently. First of all, give yourself credit for being so honest. Additionally, you have every right to feel hurt, anger, and grief about your childhood experiences. No need to
pretend that it didn’t happen. BUT, you have done everything you can to spare your children from having a similar upbringing. While acknowledging the past, keep your
focus on the great, heroic (yes, heroic) job you are doing as a GREAT mother to your kids. Mothers who grew up in loving supportive homes have training and role models to help them. You are having to figure it out as you go. Please give yourself the credit and respect you deserve. Keep your attention on how well you are doing against the odds, and raising people you can be proud of. Celebrate your wins, even if it’s hard. Especially, if it’s hard.

I came across this today. Maybe it helps to reframe your thinking. Still very much worth it to seek therapy for your feelings because as understandable as it is, it is alsno not very healthy for your relationship with your children

But you have moved away from this travellers community

but you say you can’t cut off your mum because the community would cut you off

do you really not grasp how messed up that is?

You actually started self harming within an hour of her arriving

and said you saw no end in sight to her toxicity to you until she’s dead and buried

a major rewrite is going on her. All part of your denial

@Jemimapony I don't think I have explained well, but my community isn't responsible for my family's issues. The opposite in many ways.

I've moved away, but I gladly still belong. If I cut off my mum, that'll rightly be seen as proof I don't have entirely the same values as the community any more. They'll still like me and care about me, but I won't belong to the same extent.

Does anyone get it? Minority groups, experiencing discrimination and prejudice, stick together, and get a lot from that, and that matters a lot? And family abuse is managed internally because outside agencies will always come down harder on us. Or not care anyway.