Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

Also, @moderatejust to say, I have read this. It made me smile. I don't agree (as you might expect), and I think it's not the right analogy. But I do see what you're saying.🙂

That anxiety and feelings stem from your own childhood not theirs . Just remind yourself to judge the situation for the there and now , rather than your past. It won’t always work(trus meI know). I’m lucky I have a friend who has a similar background to me (and you) and we give each other a reality check when needed.

I think it’s hard for some people to realise how much women’s lives have changed in recent years.
in my life, women needed their husband’s permission to get birth control control.
In my life, the only jobs available for women after university were nursing or teaching and these professions didn’t accept married women. Of course we always hear about the exceptions.
MNetters regard smacking or hitting a child as DA. I’m probably a similar age to your DM but when I was growing up, it really was a rare child who wasn’t smacked. It was a social norm , so it is nonsensical to go NC because your parents smacked you. Some posters here are urging you to cut yourself off from your ‘toxic’ family and community but I don’t think they understand the practicalities and consequences of their advice.
I don’t think anyone willingly suffers DV, yet it’s shockingly prevalent. It’s fine to walk away from an abusive partner if you have the adequate financial and social support but few Mothers have.
It would be a truly lonely existence for you to be cut off from family and community.

A healthy person would still acknowledge the pain this might have caused their children. And nobody here told the OP to go NC over smacking. I find your take highly concerning as it ignores all the other abuse that has occurred and is still occurring. If you knew a life of peace and emotional safety I doubt you would advise that.

NC is self preservation. The OP has serious emotional issues and yet you suggest she remain in the same situation with the same people that continue to cause her harm. This is messed up and sad.

“This is messed up and sad.”
Really!
It’s just a different pov.

There are no different pov when it comes to abuse.

I'd have neither the social nor the financial resources to leave my husband or "go NC" with my family even if I wanted to. I could potentially stay with my brother for a while if I had to leave my husband, but it would be me and 3 kids in one bedroom of a two bed flat with two other adults. It would be a nightmare. And he'd tolerate it but on the basis of what's happened so far in my marriage he'd think I was insane. Going NC with family wouldn't be tolerated to the same extent, would just be seen as crazy and shitty behaviour on my part.

That said, the replies from @Twatalert and many others has been a perspective I've never really considered before, and I have turned it all over in my mind. So @SixtySomething , I really do understand where you're coming from, but there's a huge benefit to me in reading other points of view on all of this. I am really grateful for everyone's posts, even (especially?) when I don't agree with them.

@Blueyrocks the point is that everyone deserves emotional and physical safety. People do not go NC overnight. It is usually a build up of many, many incidents and trying to resolve things. For some NC is simply to survive. For many there comes a point where NC is no real decision but the only option. Its not planned. The moment just arrives and then they somehow learn to live with it.

You have had a lot of suggestions here and the decision you need to make is not whether to go NC or not. It is how you will try to get yourself a bit better and heal a bit. How are you going to put yourself first? Are you giving yourself enough empathy and compassion? How can you better meet your own needs?

@Twatalert thank you this is so kind. Yes I've had so many helpful responses here and am taking it all on board even if it doesn't seem that way.

Also just to say, I completely don't judge at all people who do go NC, I think it must be so hard and must be like you say absolutely the only option. For me, I think the problems I have are from the past and going NC wouldn't fix anything. I have physical and emotional safety now, I just get flashbacks where I feel as if I don't. And I am working on stuff to get better from that.