Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

Lol, my planet! I get that that sounds awful, what he's done in the past, but that was a couple of years ago and he's said himself it was abusive behaviour and he's really worked at being more calm and hasn't even shouted at me since.

I definitely went through a period that coincided with my DC being particularly trying, where I felt resentful that everyone seemed to be getting their slice of the pie (facilitated by me) but no one was interested in whether or not I had mine. I consciously decided to make time for myself and give back to myself and it made a big difference. They are older now and I happily take myself out for the day if they show lack of interest, I've stopped trying to constantly keep them happy/entertained and I feel much better about life in general. Where is your DH in this equation? Is he pulling his weight?

Youve said going NC isnt an option, why? You are still that little girl running about after the parent.... at the minimum you should be looking at low contact. You owe your remaining parent nothing regardless of how your childhood was, the fact you cannot shift or move on is because you are stuck!!

I think, speaking frkm experience similar to you and having EMDR, I had to forgive or at least tell my inner child that it wasnt her fault. I then had to have a rather difficult conversation with my parents but they acknowledged my childhood and memories and pain. If they hadnt, id have cut them off.

How does my community sound awful?? It's not. It's amazing, despite huge trauma. It's not perfect, but has so much benefit that DH, from outside, really recognises and appreciates. I don't know what I've said that makes my community sound awful, but it's really not.

You don't know whether or not they are from a minority though. I think you use this as a smokescreen to not have to face things that might be painful. Well done for beaking the cycle though. If you cannot afford therapy, there are some fantastic content creators that explain what kind of behaviour is important as a parent. Look up codependency kate on tiktok for example.

This is great advice, and I'd add to it: teach your DC to do nice things for you too:

suggest they make a homemade card for your birthday/mother's day

teach them how to make a cup of tea

get them all clearing up together with you after a meal so you feel it's not just you doing the caring work

get them helping each other too

And then, I don't know if it will help, but look forward to when they're grown and the caring is done. My DC are good company now and they look after themselves, and each other!

How does it sound it awful?

The fact you feel that by not caring for your abusive mother who causes you to self harm you would lose the “community”.

That isn’t a good community op

And your DH is abusive. High abusive. Calling you a c*, kicking down doors - this is a horrible man op

This is so lovely, thank you. And @manova366 . I will think about these suggestions. Thank you.

You speak like someone who is in denial. Huge trauma and amazing do not go together. It is very messed up. Read it again. You have a need for community as every person does. It can be found elsewhere in a different form. I suspect you are tied to it as though it is a cult. People feel like this in very toxic families. They cannot imagine what a different life might look like otherwise.

Just as a thought experiment: what do you think might happen if you left?

I know I don't know what background people are from, I just mean, that's an important part of the picture that people might not have when they read my posts.

@Apileofbroc I think it's going too far saying my mum causes me to self harm. It's not as linear as that. She's had a hard life too, as did my dad. And DH is lovely. The abusive behaviour was under huge pressure, and he's generally so generous and kind and fun. It's all just a more complicated picture than. I can explain here.

I mean my community has suffered huge trauma.

I've not read back, but parenting can be triggering in that we subconsciously access our own childhoods when we have our kids.

It might be little blueyrocks that it making you feel this way, not parenting-bluey.

I have no advice as would have suggested therapy, but you may wish to think more about your childhood causing these feelings, rather than you DC being the root cause.

It is hard to parent when you've had a difficult childhood, be kind to yourself. 🌹

You think those are the only parameters to go NC? What about your mother turning a blind eye. She's just as bad as your father.

It sounds as if it'll be the only way you'll stand up for yourself if you do go NC.

Stop doing all that shit when you go over. What are you doing all of that for? Nobody is going to take any notice of you because it's expected that you'll do it. Nobody is going to sit up and think that maybe it's their turn to look after you.

If you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep on getting what you've always had back.

I don't have your experience of childhood, but I have always been the rescuer, and everyone in my family expects freely available help and for me to put myself second as a result.

Recently it's helped me to draw some boundaries about what I AM willing to do. i.e. now for each request I say "Not right now, but I'll do it tomorrow" or "I don't have the energy for both X and Y, but I can do X".

It's up to you to push back on the expectations made by your mum and sister - they're not going to change as they've got a lovely setup where you do everything for them. It will feel uncomfortable and they won't like it, but they will adjust. Perhaps that will help you feel less taken advantage of and set up a nicer way going forward.

Also the fact that as a child you were abused, and spent your weekends at the homes of alcoholics and drug addicts, which was presumably not criticised by this lovely close-knit community that you belonged to.

Agains with the denial.

My mum is visiting. I'm being criticised incessantly, in such small ways none of it would sound like anything at all if I wrote it down. I've self harmed within an hour of her arriving (I'm fine). I feel spaced out and completely exhausted. I hate it. And I can't see any end or escape, until she dies. Obviously being criticised is only the start

she causes you to self harm

You aren't giving people here enough credit. Your situation really isn't as unique as you think, even with the community aspect. It is totally normal to think that, no offence, but the patterns in abusive families are always the same. A lot of people her understand exactly and are seeing through it. I used to be you. I used to think nobody on earth understood what I was dealing with. This or that was not possible and people just did not understand why it was not possible. It was a defence mechanism that kept me stuck and tied to my abusers.

It's not a cult! I can't "leave" because it's who I am. But nothing would happen. I'd feel a huge loss, my brother's would be sad for me. My sister would say I'd already left anyway. My mum would say it's for DH to decide. Others in the community would still see me if I visit mum, I'd just be "out* in the sense of rejecting identity for the ease of fitting into the dominant culture.

Abuse is not just hitting, of course. Abuse is behaving like somebody matters less than the abusive person. Like they mainly matter for the benefit they can be to the abuser.

Sometimes there is no hitting or shouting, but the behaviour can be very damaging regardless.

fgs your husband called you “cunt” he kicked your bedroom door down after you hid there from him ; he kicked your bathroom door down .

The fact you think he’s lovely and you have a great relationship is so far from the truth it’s terrifying

So what? It really is nothing special. Lots of communities have suffered trauma. Wars and genocide, the implications of which were passed through generations. Today's children are still dealing with the impact of WWII, for example.

Look at some free counselling. We have talking therapies here, I'm sure there's similar where you are. Ours is self referral too.
I had a shitty childhood too. Abusive father, mother who only cared what her social circle and society thought, so all was lovely on the surface but grim at home.
I only have one child and we are comfortable. I only ever wanted him to have the childhood my brothers and I didn't.