Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

I think this weekend will be an important turning point for you and for him. Once he has taken the beds and had his own DC in his own flat he will have taken an important step in getting on with it. For you, a weekend with your DS celebrating his birthday and time with his friends will be a happy step forward.

Times of change such as you are going through are not easy but you are getting there and so will he

@NettleTeahas it spot in.

I’ve read all your posts @PithyBeakerand you have been so strong. I think observers are forgetting this is real life.

I am sure you know your boundaries.

@PithyBeaker sounds like you are handling this in an awesome, brilliant way. Great that he has told his brother, shows signs he is taking you seriously.

Good on ya 💪

I have read all your threads and want to wish you well. Have been in a similar relationship with a similar man when I was young, he had kids, I didn't but I did all the work with them and he did the fun stuff and I paid 50/50 because we were a 'family' etc.

He was also a skint high earner but it turned out he was spending a LOT of money on cocaine. My brother takes what is basically prescribed medical speed for his ADHD and according to him it's not uncommon to self medicate that way as it can have a similar effect. That might be an explanation to why he's on 6 figures and never has any money.

Anyway I just wanted to tell you that you've mentioned his youth and his looks a few times but according to this thread you are very much a catch and please don't lose sight of that. He was the lucky one ten times over.

You come across as kind and empathetic but sensible and measured.
I agree, he's not an enemy of yours. It's a living arrangement that wasn't working for you due to his selfishness/laziness/damage. Nobody is trying to be mean in your situation. It just needed sorted and you are/have. I think it's good to stay nice. I think you are handling it spot on. Well done ✅

What a strange comment.
He doesn't sound unpleasant.
The relationship ran its course and the OP has made her decision.

As she had repeatedly said, the man isn't a monster. He's a human being with faults and good points, as we all are.

I don’t think anyone warning you thinks you are weak minded. They just have experience of the extremes some men will go to, in their attempts to manoeuvre their way back in. Long after anyone rational would understand the ship has sailed, they manage to arrange things such that some unlucky woman is cornered and faced with exploding a family event or tolerating something they worked hard to avoid.
Over the years, MN has seen some remarkable behaviours.

I know it's frustrating, but be patient with those posters who are so worried that you may 'regress'.

Again, the reasons for my separation are very different, but I face similar with my friends and family. I have no problem helping my esDH manage his life or with giving him emotional support. After being together 40 years (married 38)I still love him, I probably always will. And I'm at peace with that. I just can no longer live with him and he's broken my trust so completely that I'll never get it back.

But it seems as if every time I voice any wishes for his wellbeing or tell them that I've done something like remind him of an appointment I get a flurry of 'don't go back' or 'are you weakening' messages. All very well meant I know, but it's frustrating to me that they think I'm so weak. I'm not. But I'm learning to think of them as expressions of their care and concern for me rather than criticisms or a lack of faith. Try to think of those posters the same way and let the words just roll off your back.

How are you today @PithyBeaker ?

All good! Just been in office so less on phone today. More messages today but all of them about the flat and fixing it up progress. Nothing guilt trippy or angry or tearful. Progress.

You're doing really well @PithyBeaker managing all this.

He always moaned about your gorgeous Persian carpet and you eventually folded it away? That is so sad. Enjoy laying it back out again and enjoy having it on your floor

Glad to hear you got your lovely Persian carpet out again op.

Keep holding on to knowing this is the best thing for me you and your child in the long term. You will have moments of missing him, but when you do remind yourself firmly of why you've made this decision and don't waver. You're doing really well.

Thank you 🙏 he is coming over today at 11:30 to take apart the kids’ beds and remove them. A little nervous but I think it’ll be ok as I have to work and will just let him crack on.

Just delurking to say: @PithyBeaker you rock 🤘

Try to stand firm - hes likely going to be seeing this as the last chance I reckon so may pull out all the stops. Taking down and removing the beds may be (in his mind) last chance saloon. My advice is keep busy, and be v. v. firm and distant. Having a friend over would be even better but Im sure you thought of that.

Best of luck with it. Thinking of you.

Hope it all goes well, and part of me hopes he spots the Persian rug.

I hope he respects your boundaries and everything goes smoothly and quickly 🤞

Good luck with today, that sounds tough. He could be there for hours. Can you have another person pop round to support you /"help" him when he's there? I'm sure he'll notice the carpet too 😀
If you're on your own, I know he's not violent etc, but even so you could contact your local PCSO (police community support officer) if you have one, and let them know you might be in a bit of an awkward situation later, if he does something unpredictable, won't go etc. They very good at deescalating things and it will give you some reassurance, even if you don't have to call them out in the end. They will absolutely understand and won't think you're overreacting either.

I don’t think @PithyBeaker needs police assistance she sounds like she’s got this.
She’s come such a long way in a short time.

Police would be overkill. However, you could get one of these and just leave it casually lying around 🤣

dartarmoury.com/products/m9-pistol-miniature-scale-model-pistol-50-size-alloy-army?variant=49187970253096&country=GB&currency=GBP&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic

I'm sure she doesn't. Just what I would do for my own peace of mind in this situation if I was on my own and an unhappy ex was coming round for what could be several hours. I would hope it wasn't needed but I would want to make myself feel as safe as possible.

Indeed. 27 years ago, when my ExDH was coming over to fetch a load of his stuff a week after moving out - and he was a gentle, lovely man whom I didn't fear would harm me, but I did not want to get into discussions with him about why the relationship ended - I got a close friend round to support me. I told him in advance she'd be there, too.

Thank you 🤩 that helped